


Unfinished Memories

by nameless_sufferer



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave is a prick a little, Deja Vu, F/F, John feels it is his fault, Karkat is kind of the support beam, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, Troll John
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-13 10:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 81,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_sufferer/pseuds/nameless_sufferer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The game has ended and everything is back to normal...sort of. Nobody remembers anything besides a certain John Egbert who made the deal for it to be like that. He though he could handle it. He thought he could act normal and be happy again...</p><p>He thought wrong.</p><p>Cracking and breaking into emotional pieces of glass on the floor, he's falling apart and recent events and nightmares plaguing his mind isn't helping. As a last resort, he turns to his friend, Karkat Vantas, in a sense of need or desperation.</p><p>But will Karkat be able to recollect all the broken pieces of his once derpy John or will he break until he is nothing but a emotionless husk?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Losing a Mental War

**Author's Note:**

> Haha~ yeah, this is a sad fanfic since I'm unable of otherwise. Umm... nothing much to say but enjoy :)

\- ectoBiologist [EB] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist at 1:17 -

EB: um...karkat?

EB: i need to ask you a question

EB: like I guess it's serious? blarg i feel like a idiot asking this but

EB: do you feel ... different in any way?

EB: not like gestures or anything!

EB: but like physically?

EB: maybe it's just me

EB: i wanted to ask since well...

EB: nevermind!

EB: forget i even said anything he he

EB: see ya karkat

\- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 1:34 -

I sat back from my computer and slumped in my chair. I wanted to scream in frustration and confusion yet that wouldn't accomplish anything. It would only wake up Dave, Rose, and Jade and that would prove me to be more of a bother than I already am. A slight grimace hit my features as I think of the grumbles and agitated looks I would more than likely get. They wouldn't be very happy with my outburst like any normal person would. I sighed and just soaked the feeling in. It's a reflex now I guess. It's how I cope with things that I can't expel to others for help. It might not help me, but it helps those around me and well, that's quite better than myself. I rather suffer in my lonesome nightmares alone than seek the comfort of others. It's just habit now, even as I felt the feeling of utter fear sweep through my thoughts, claiming the innocent wisps in thin air so it can turn them to ice. I shiver in response and hug my knees to my chest, laying my head on top. I'm so hopeless when it comes to grieving. It was obvious as warm, red, tears started to pour over despite my weak will to hold them back.

I burrowed my head into my pajama-covered knees an sighed. The tears didn't cease though and gradually the color of my blue pajamas migrated to the neutral color of violet. As the time wore on, it spread until most of my leg was drenched in the color change. Why was I acting like such a baby right now? I wanted to hide under a blanket and hide which is unlike me. I want to go to somebody and cry against their chest, but that's also different. I didn't understand this! It felt like every fear I have ever felt in my life has absorbed towards this moment even though it's not even worth it. This was only a minor...bump in the road of my life. Other than the fear, I felt the constant batter of stress. It was my personality turn upside-down and it felt so weird. I should be bouncing on my bed, happy as can possibly be, but I couldn't; I wouldn't. Instead, I felt so...so...

Lonely?

Insecure?

Misunderstood?

I'm supposed to be the great optimistic leader. I'm supposed to think outside this dimming fog of darkness towards the light, but I couldn't. It was like I was continuously walking into the great darkening fog, searching for a light that I could never find.

In a attempt to release my frustration, I took to yanking my hair. I have never done this before, but it probably wasn't the brightest thing to do. The hard yank made me to just give a cry. Wonderful. Your so smart Egbert, let me tell you. I covered my mouth instantly, fearing that I awoke the others. Maybe punching a pillow would have been better? It sure as heck would've definitely felt less painful and less reactive. I rubbed the bridge of my nose with my forefinger and thumb. I needed to calm down. If Dave was here, watching me in this odd ball of distress, he would tell me to calm the fuck down and thin straight, like the cool kid he is.

At the thought of Dave, I couldn't help but smile. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all "No Homo" for sure. Straight as a arrow I assure you, but he is a good friend! He is the best a dork like me could ever ask for! He is always pulling the whole "Cool Kid" act and giving pointless admissions of irony that sure as heck wasn't there when he said it was! I giggled slightly at the thought and my tears slowed down. He is such a good fiend underneath though. He is always there when I need a hand to grab onto or a shoulder to cry on. He just had the instinct to calm me down when life got tough, an nowadays, that was quite often. The nightmares I constantly had didn't help it whatsoever. What's worse is that they came every night as the word constant infers. It was always he same nightmare the cursed me even tonight.

I frowned slightly at the thought of my nightmares. They always included one -no two, crucial factors. They always showed my father with his love and spreading grins, and then his body on the floor, lifeless. I couldn't help him. I couldn't even move. I was glued to the ground of darkness where my mind lays in wait.

It killed me every time though. It never dimmed. It never ceased making me cry out for him. It was always renewed hope to renewed grief. A endless cycle really.

It all started the same. Like I said, it was a cycle and what's a cycle without a little repetition right?

I'd close my eyes and would open them to my father's outstretched hands. Every time he did it my hopes would rise the ladder and I would smile. I would smile that dorky smile with buck teeth and all until I realized the falsehood of it. Every single time I would trudge my feet to no avail. Every single time my heart would lurch when he stared back at me with confusion. It would kill me. He was my father and I couldn't so much as hug him. I couldn't touch my finger tips to his or just feel his breath. I would always cry out and try to move, but I...I couldn't. My feet were glued to shadows and my tears would flow. The shadows were relentless though and would just grip my ankles tighter. Emotion always carried the black miles to cause pain.

It didn't take long until I would fall to my knees; his limp body falling. His face would be white and his hat would softly land beside him, splattered red. His outstretched hands would be there, lifeless. It was terrifying and utterly painful. I didn't want to watch but he forced me to. The black figure behind my deceased father with a sword of crimson. The figure of Jack Noir and his dogged grin.

I couldn't help my emotions. At this point I was distraught. I would cry out his name, curse his name, plead his name even to no avail. He didn't so much as blink witch whatever I said. He wouldn't even move. He was a black statue of obsidian with the eyes of pearls. It wouldn't take lone though until his stony figure would brake to reveal a smirk. That's what would break me. It always did. That little smirk is what killed me because of the message behind it. "Your next."

Walking closer to me, he would only walk a centimeter before disappearing in a cloud of black smoke. My form would be covered in it until I felt disgusted with the particles sticking to my sweaty skin. They consumed me with menacing speed and I would slowly crumble to nothing.

For the past two years, these nightmares have occurred. For the past two years, my life has been miserable in the dreamland and reality.

I suppose the cycle did have a change to it's features though. It was the simplest of changes, but it was one that scared me to white. The first time, it was one centimeter he moved, the second day it was two. Gradually, he has been getting closer and closer to me. His smirk taunting me into trying to run away as the red miles licked his arms hungrily. Although I dreaded this day, tonight was by far the worst.

I guess it was pointless to avoid it since I couldn't. I had to abide the rules of my nightmares and that included his stalk and vanish. The day was bound to come and well, tonight was it.

Tonight was the night that he was face to face with me, breathing on my face an giving me a sinister smile. My skin would prickle with goosebumps and my face would start to sweat a little at the fear that was omitted. I wanted to run, to cringe, but I was stuck in the lace at my feet. I had no choice but to endure this torture. My eyes watched his weapon with fear. It hadn't changed at all. It was still spattered with blood. Examining it closer, I wanted to wake up desperately. On it's slick metal surface was the crusting rust color of my father's blood. My breath hitched as I peered into the eyes of my killer. Shaking, I noticed a slight of pity before he stabbed me.

Of course that's when I woke up. I can't seem to force my self to wake up. It just never happens with me since my nightmares control me. I don't control my dream life no more. That was lost after the destruction of Derse and Prospit. You'd think that after the beating of our session, it would repair itself, but no. It was building, but slowly and gradually. Last I heard from Jade, her part of the place was almost done. It was almost fully repaired which made me smile lightly. I know things would never be the same anymore. Not since then.

I sighed lightly and ran a hand through my hair in defeat. I don't think things would ever be the same at all. Everybody else may be all nice and peachy, but I can't be that way. The game has changed me so much as much as I hate to admit it. It twisted my genes around to form a different person. It flipped the world upside-down for me to fall. It completely altered everybody's mind so I can seem crazy. I am just altered and nothing can change that because nobody knows. Nobody cares and it will stay that way hopefully. I'm such a Egderp so maybe I'll try to act like one for everybody's sake.

Nobody ever worried about me really. I mean, if they did, I never noticed. Sure I might have changed somewhat after the game, but I was good at pretending, something I acquired from Dave. He taught me to not let anybody read your mind like a open book and I took to it. Despite the fact that he did teach me, it wasn't this Dave. It was a different one. One that is long gone and will never return as much as I wish. I suppose it's rather ironic how I miss the old egotistical asshole. I even compare him to the Dave here with me. I compare him in every way and it kills me because I'd rather forget about it an just be like the pals we were before. I didn't want to be complete strangers. Not with him nor anybody else, but it was inevitable. I just was more distant nowadays and few noticed. I'd rather say that none did, but that would be a lie right? I see the look in their eyes which is something I avoid altogether. No point in clinging to emotion that I rather not explain.

I shook my head violently. This was no time to get lost in my thoughts. No time is right for it. I glance at my hands, a sigh escaping my lips.

My knees were starting to hurt from the position I placed them in. They cried out pain, but I didn't want to move really. I was quite content sleeping like this actually. I might ache seriously in the morning, but other than that, it wasn't so bad really. Closing my eyes, I slowly started to ease my breathing towards relaxation.

What relaxation? I never got that.

A ding averted my closed lids to the desktop in front of me. My pesterchum was lighting up in all directions to tell me that somebody was contacting me. My mouse cursor swerved towards the icon and I clicked it halfheartedly. A smile quirked my lips slightly when I saw the name.

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun trolling ectoBiologist at 2:03 -

EB: hi karkat!

CG: WHAT'S THE MATTER

EB: nothing's the matter. can't i just talk to a friend?

CG: STOP AVOIDING THE FUCKING QUESTION EGBERT

EB: ...

CG: JOHN... I SWEAR TO GOG...

EB: fine :B

Glancing at the mirror above my laptop, I sighed. Nothing was the same and I guess I wasn't as good as a pretender as I thought. Or maybe it was just Karkat. He always knew when something was up as much as I would like to deny that fact. He's just one of those people I couldn't shake off with a simple lie as saying I was alright. I'm a master at that lie. Everybody should believe me, and almost all of them do. All of them but Karkat. He never does and I suppose it intrigues me? He was different and that's why I was talking to him right now.

CG: JOHN? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

EB: sorry... just trying to waste time i guess with silence? he he...

CG: JOHN YOU DON'T LAUGH UNLESS YOUR FUCKING SCARED, NERVOUS, OR BOTH

EB: ...

CG: JOHN

CG: FUCKING

CG: EGBERT

CG: ANSWER ME. YOU BOTHERED ME SO IT'S ONLY COURTEOUS THAT YOU TELL ME WHAT'S UP IN THAT IDIOTIC THINKPAN OF YOURS BEFORE I GET SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF

EB: not like you already are

EB: but alright. fine

EB: i guess i really have no choice on the matter do i? he he...

CG: JOHN?

EB: do you really want to know karkat?

EB: i'm being serious since you normally like to flip your shit whenever i just mention a sweet nick cage flick

CG: THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR STUPID EXCUSE OF MOVIES ARE EXTREMELY POINTLESS AND RATHER AGGRAVATING

CG: BUT BESIDES THAT

CG: YES. AT THIS POINT I FUCKING DO WAN TO KNOW

EB: blargh. fine.

EB: last night i felt really sick while i was watching con air

EB: so i went to bed so i could just sleep it off

EB: but instead i just had nightmares and woke up about a hour ago

CG: WHAT KIND OF NIGHTMARES?

EB: karkat please let me finish first!

EB: anyways, when i awoke

EB: i was different

EB: ...

CG: FUCKING DAMMIT EGBERT. WHAT WAS DIFFERENT IN YOUR STUPID CASE

EB: i was a troll

EB: ...

CG: STOP YANKING ON MY CHAIN JOHN. WHAT REALLY IS THE MATTER

EB: i'm telling you the truth karkat! i have no reason to lie since i'm practically freaking out here!

EB: please believe me! i have gray skin and little nubs on my head and they hurt whenever i poke them!

EB: karkat please. your the only one i can come to

EB: i don't know what to do and your one of my closest friends...

CG: ...

CG: SINCE YOUR A HELPLESS FUCKING IDIOT

CG: FINE

CG: BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO EGBERT.

EB: thank you...

CG: WAIT

CG: JUST TO BE SURE

CG: WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?

CG: LIST THEM TO THE EXACT

CG: I'M STILL A LITTLE SKEPTICAL

EB: alright...

EB: my hair is the same i think? i don't know since it's dark in my room from it being dark and all...

EB: oh speaking of darkness, i can strangely see better in the dark than usual, but not in the light?

EB: the bathroom lights made my eyes hurt real bad

EB: my skin is this weird grey color that feels weird to me, durable or something

EB: and then i have the little horns...

CG: ALRIGHT I GET THE FUCKING PICTURE

CG: FUCK. FUCK FUCK

CG: karkat?

CG: FUCK, WHAT?

CG: HURRY I NEED TO GO TALK TO SOMEONE

EB: ...

EB: does loneliness come with being a troll?

CG: ...

CG: WELCOME TO THE LIFE EGBERT

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling ectoBiologist at 2:51 -

I sat back in my chair with a thump, vaguely reviewing our conversation. I could feel the emotions in my heart swelling to uncomfortable amounts. They were overflowing in the juices of despair, need, and sadness. Combined, it made my eyes well up in tears... again. It was infuriating. My clock told me it was about 3 in the morning and I was still crying like a baby. If I don't stop, my eyes will surely be red when I leave for school.

I facepalmed and glared at my doppleganger in the mirror. School. That's going to be a blast right there! I already get picked on for being a nerd and the whole high school drama was definitely not a understatement in the movies. It was as terrible as they perceive if not more. My buck teeth and glasses always screamed dork and so the normal jocks picked on me. I was used to it, but due to the fact that it wasn't even close to Halloween, I was screwed. I would stand out like a beacon. I would definitely have more to go through if I did.

I sighed and stared at the ceiling. Maybe I shouldn't go to school today, or tomorrow, or next week. Maybe I should stay locked in my room until this change passes. It would be a hell of a lot easier if it wasn't for the fact that I lived with the highly ironic Dave Strider and the rest of my friends.

They would thumb down my change along with my personality; they always have. They took notice of every faltering smile and every little laugh that was off a octave. Nothing slipped passed them as long as I was near them. I guess I couldn't really defend myself. I really was hopeless, but I do try to act strong and every bit as normal, but I couldn't. I wasn't the same anymore. Not since we beat Sburb and everything went down. Nobody remembers it and it scars me everyday.

Why?

Because I remember everything.

Since I was one of the first main God Tiers, I was privileged with this curse. I was alone in the grief after the game. I was consumed in it and I really don't know how I sufficed it so quickly. I should have gone mad. I should have just gone insane and let things be, but I couldn't. I couldn't with my friends in front of me. I remember all of the blood, the wars, and the loss. I remembered laying every single body of the trolls and my friends out into a line. I remember placing their hands on their chests and closing their frightened, dim eyes. I placed Rose's needles on her chest. I fixed Jade's hair and pecked her nose. I cried as I placed Dave's broken shades that I gave him on his face once more. My knees weren't strong then. I knew it as i fell to them and sobbed in my bloodied hands. Every blink showed a dead body and it only blurred my vision even more so then before. One second the blink would show their smiles and than their expressionless faces would cover them entirely because of me. I was the cause for all of this. They all protected me of all things. They wanted me safe though they should be the ones alive. I should have been the one lying on the stained ground. Not them.

Funny thing is, I also remember cursing Jack's name. We thought we defeated him an it was a lie I guess because his body was never among theirs. It was gone and not there. I remember hugging myself and for the longest time, losing my sanity. It was a nightmare come to life. For what felt like hours, I was like that. I was just a lifeless sobbing boy who wanted somebody to hug. I didn't move a inch or blink. I was scarred from the oncoming of memories that I just couldn't block. My God Tier outfit was worthless now. I didn't want it anymore. It cursed me with this power of regeneration and I hated it. Why couldn't I have gone down with them?

The blame was all on me. I couldn't say it wasn't since I was definitely the cause. I could have saved them if I tried! I could have sacrificed myself for Dave or Rose or anybody for that matter! But I couldn't. I was a sack of blubbering emotions that couldn't fit the puzzle pieces together that all of my friends were gone into the afterlife.

For the longest time I just sat there. It wasn't until a voice spoke in my mind that everything changed. It was the voice of a female I could tell, but I wasn't really interested in knowing more. I wanted to be alone in my grief thought she would have none of it. She told e that she can bring them back, but at a price of myself. I didn't care though. I wanted all of them back so I can tell them how sorry I was. I was gone in the fog of grief and despair. The price is something I have kept to my heart for so long that it's just natural to not say anything of it.

Back to reality, I was glancing at my desk. I looked at the shining object under it. A grimace colored my face as I realized what I had just thought. Nobody knew my dark secret I held here. The shiny, blood crusted object underneath all of those books. I blink and look away. I guess it's sad to say that I was tempted to just to one swipe, but I didn't. I promised Dave that I wouldn't do it anymore, not after he caught me the first time. I blink the tears back an look down at my clenched hands. Crimson droplets fell on my wrists, slightly scarred from the past. The dark months I would like to call them. Those were from the first few months after we came back, alive and well. I was still depressed and tortured as I saw every smile again and remembered their dead faces. The pale lifeless skin and the blue lips. The dead, dim eyes and the limp twisted forms. I shiver roughly as I remember them.

To say it blank, it was awful. I hate to be dragged into the past, but these were one of those memories that don't let you forget them. They were stuck to your conscious like glue and duct tape. The dead bodies and everything. They were the worst memories as well. I would look at Rose and I would see her dead body with her neck broken and arms at odd angles. I would see Dave and when he would grin, I would cringe and run to my room. I still saw his broken shades I gave him along with the stabbed heart. I would see the purple that blossomed on his skin and the lips of his that were blue. I still flinched at his smiles. It was a reflex that wouldn't leave. He wasn't the worst. That was left for Jade, my sister. She took the blow that should have been my death. I see her decapitated head and the odd twist on the left leg. I see their past instead of their present. I was cursed with blood.

Nobody can see that and not change. Not optimistic me or anybody. I did change. I wasn't as happy as before. I was more anti-social I suppose and the bullies at school didn't help. They used that fact as fuel to their fire. They picked on me and tortured me, but I held it in. I hid all of it for the sake of my friends. I didn't want them to worry or pity over me. That was far worse than death..

I blink and sigh. I need to stop living in the past. It wasn't good for anybody, including myself. Trudging to my small, bathroom was a obstacle, but maybe some cold water would set me jumbled mind straight. It normally didn't, but it was worth a shot. I switched on the light and closed my eyes before flashing them into a glare at the mirror.

Eyes the color of the sky blinked back at me with the same intensity. They held yellow around them, not white. They appeared lonely yet irritated. When did that happen? I was turning into a girl. Either that or increasingly mood-swingy. Rolling my neon eyes, I glanced at the rest of me. It was like I was some screwed up sim from Sims 3 or a alien from Aliens versus Predators. I was caked on with grey skin with dark circles under my eyes. Great. The others will definitely notice my lack of sleep now. Sighing, I ran a hand through my messy hair, flinching as I took notice at the yellow/orange nails I now had fully painted and manicured.

Did I mention that I had horns too? Yeah. They were nubby and barely noticeable. They weren't too much of a hassle. They were the only awesome part of my entire new...look. They resembled a certain flustered troll as well. To this, I had to grin. Might as well get used to it.

My head clocked sideways when I heard a familiar ding.

It only took a few seconds to get to the chair again compared to my sluggish movements toward the bathroom.

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board FUCK -

\- ectoBiologist has responded to the memo -

EB: what is this about?

CG: JUST SHUT UP. KANAYA SHOULD BE HERE SOON

EB: kanaya...?

CG: EGBERT. PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHE'S COMING TO HELP WITH YOUR FUCK UP.

EB: oh

\- grimAuxiliatrix has responded to the memo -

GA: Hello John

EB: hi kanaya!

CG: ...

GA: Nice To Talk To You Too Karkat

GA: So I Have Heard That You Have Gone Through A Plethora Of Events Leading To This Peculiar Case Of Yours Now

EB: i guess so? i don't really know to be honest.

GA: I See.

CG: IS THAT SERIOUSLY ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

GA: If I Am Correct Though You Have Woken Me Up Quite Early And Though I Have Only Done Just That You Wish For Me To Pull The Task Of Accessing My Knowledge Through A Slumbering Haze

EB: ...

CG: WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, I GUESS I FEEL LIKE A DOUCHE

GA: If That Is The Term You Wish To Use Then So Be It

GA: My World Of Choice Would Have Been Obnoxiously Inconsiderate

EB:...

EB: dude, you just got burned

EB: :B

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP EGBERT

CG: DON'T FUCKING FORGET THAT I AM HELPING YOUR SORRY ASS

EB: ...

GA: If You Two Are Done Flattering Each Other With Pointless Jabs That Wont Help John

GA: Then I Would Like To Continue

EB: sorry kanaya...

CG: ...

GA: As I Was Starting To Examine From My Observations From Karkat You Appear To Be Transformed Into One of Our Species

GA: I Am Correct So Far?

EB: pretty much

GA: Then I Shall Continue

GA: I Have Heard Typical Cased Of A Troll And Human Switching Bodies But Not A Legitimate Human Advancing Into A Troll Overnight

CG: GREAT

CG: JUST FUCKING FANTASTIC

GA: Please Be Patient

GA: I Have My Suspicions Though On Who It Was But I Dont Know How To Reverse It Quite Yet

GA: I Will Have To Pull Research Later Today

GA: In The Meantime I Am Greatly Sorry To Say That You Will Have To Manage This Case Of Events

EB: gah...

EB: thanks kanaya

EB: i'll hide at home or whatever and watch con air :B

GA: That Wont Be Necessary John

GA: I Will Senf A Troll To Help You

GA: Presumably Karkat

GC: WHEN THE FUCK DID I VOLUNTEER?

GA: WHO SAYS I WANT TO EVEN HELP THIS FUCKASS?

EB: please karkat?

GC: FUCK NO

GA: It Is Either Going To Be You Or Vriska

GA: Whichever Is None Of My Adamant Concern But You Seem The Best Choice Karkat

I shudder at the thought of Vriska. I wasn't too fond of her after the game. She was kind of a cold sore that wouldn't go away, but every so often didn't really bother you. I don't know. It was some weird thing. Anyways, she was one of the main reasons we screwed up so badly. I don't really blame her though since most of the time she did try to help. But yeah, I didn't hate her, but I didn't necessarily like her either.

CG: FUCK

CG: FINE I'LL GO AN HELP HIS HAPPY ASS

GA: Wonderful

GA: With That I Will Leave And Continue My Interrupted Slumber

\- grimAuxiliatrix has ceased responding to the memo -

CG: WELL FUCK FOR THE FIFTY MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME

CG: PREPARE A BED FOR ME EGBERT

CG: WHILE I GO PREPARE FOR HELL

EB: karkat wait!

CG: WHAT

EB: goodnight!

CG: ...

CG: GOODNIGHT JOHN

\- carcinoGeneticist has closed the memo -

I sat on my hair, a grin plastered on my face. He called me by my first name in a nice manner! That is definitely something to remember! I giggled with my sudden giddiness. I wasn't too bothered by the sudden change in mood since it was better than utter depression right? I'm definitely right! Laughing, I spun in my chair and closed my eyes, bad thoughts forgotten.

I might enjoy this maybe!


	2. Just a Giant Mindfuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...yeah, :3 what do you guys think? :D
> 
> erm....meh...it sucks i know and i can't get the ooc out of my head but enjoy!
> 
> Ciao~

I lean back and groan. What the fuck did I get myself into? Why the did I agree to help this idiot, and for that matter, why me? Kanaya could have gotten off her lazy ass as well as anybody else! Gamzee could have even done it if he wasn't sober! But no it couldn't be them. It had to be me. This makes no utter sense.

I ran a hand angrily through my disarrayed hair. I wasn't, or haven't been, sleeping for a while now. My body now thinks sleep is a foreign objects I need, but no longer really long for. Even if I did, I had nightmares so sleep didn't sound appetizing anyways. Even my goo of a bed didn't keep the nightmares away like it was supposed to. Instead it seems that the nightmares got a hell of a lot more vivid the longer I was in that thing. I guess there is something wrong with me, but that would just add to my list of genetic issues that have been piling since I was born and since I knew my blood color.

Red. Gog damn fucking candy red. It made me a freak to Alternia, but nobody knew it. The others used to, but long forgot it after the game. That game itself was a giant mindfuck that played with my emotions and friends. There now were friends that I used to trust, but no longer. I saw everyone of their true colors. I saw Vriska's insanity, Gamzee's lust for blood, and everything else in between. The game didn't even make me forget like all the others. I was stuck in knowing more about the others than they know themselves. It was a giant mistake I couldn't even fix when I screamed something about them from the game that was either a secret or unknown. It was a curse and shockingly, I haven't gone insane yet. Actually, I'd like to think myself as the most sane of everybody here, but I keep that thought to myself as per usual.

It was a relief whenever they forgot my eye color. I couldn't hide that fact. I couldn't deny that I was euphoric that they forgot that. They always were the ones to tease me and judge me differently. Everybody looked and acted around me abnormally, even my very on moirail. The fact that exposed my very eye color caused them to over-react about everything. The red color was one of those bloods that were the lowest of the low. Only difference is that my color isn't technically on the spectrum. The lowest is rust red. Not fucking candy red from a lollipop. I was a mutant and it killed me whenever somebody would always say so. This was the very reason that I remained distant from everybody now. I did it before and I'll do it again. That was the one memory from the game I didn't want repeating.

I suppose it was also a relief when they forgot my ancestor. They didn't care as much, well maybe Equius but that's besides the point. Distractions were present nonetheless and it was aggravating. Distractions everywhere might have been the cause of our end. The end with bodies piling in every which way, blood gushing out in a full spectrum of the rainbow. I shuddered heavily at the distorted memory.

It was so different from our end; the original twelve of us. We almost finished the whole session before Vriska and everybody else, me included, had to screw things up. We were all alive then and yet we couldn't stop pressing the buttons. There was no blood yet we were not fully satisfied with our situation. There wasn't any insane issues either that would glare at us at every movement to calculate our very blood color. It was a good session and we were the ones who got it. I would give just about everything to go back.

Pulling a weird thing from my dresser, I threw it on the bed. John told me that it was a draw-string backpack. It held a little green grub like creature on the front with a smile. To be honest, it scared the living hell out of me. It was a little too happy, but whatever. It was a tool of storage that was convenient with my transportation methods. I really couldn't complain since it did it's duties well.

I returned to my dresser, pulling drawer after drawer to get my necessities. A few shirts here and the few pants there. Just enough to keep me okay. I don't think I'll be there too long, or I sure as hell hope not. I was just going to be there until John's weird alteration is back to normal. No more and no less. It wasn't going to be one of those pleasant friendly sleep-overs. It was strictly business.

It was humorous in the back of my mind as I kept assuring it. It was like I was telling lies since my mind sure as hell didn't believe me one bit. Sighing, I looked at my wall towards the sickle-shaped weapons. Maybe I should bring them just in case. What if something goes wrong? Better safe than so-

No. We were no longer in the game. I need to stop thinking about a monster of some damnation climbing my back every second because it wasn't going to happen. We no longer had to worry about that. There wasn't going to be the destroying of hives anymore or any of those denizens and bosses attracting our attention every time. We were home and everything was normal. Or at least that is what I have convinced myself. A few things have changed like Aradia back to herself with sight and all. It was different and I guess I can't really say unpleasant. It was just weird from the normal I guess?

Turning my head, I grabbed my bag and threw it over my shoulder, wincing slightly at the weight. Makes sense since my laptop and phone were in there too. Stupid heavy electronics.

I wasn't really looking forward to meeting the humans again. I mean yeah they helped us in the game and all, but they don't even remember doing so. They remember us trolls, but they don't remember what they did with us. I mean we don't even remember half the time, except me. I didn't really want to go there and look at all their surprised faces. I didn't want to have to explain myself and I sure as hell did not want to deal with half of the people there. I didn't want to hear the horrible raps of Dave too-cool-for-you Strider and I didn't want to here the psychoanalysis of Rose. I didn't want to be hugged by the overly perky Jade or anything like that. At one point, I would be grateful to actually be able to see their grins, but their not the same so I didn't. The only reason I'm going there is for John.

It really should be Kanaya. She should be going there in my stead. She was better at communication and had a patient temper. She was just a lot better at this than me and I still found it rather annoying that she couldn't go in my stead. She's been visiting there for a year now I think. The only reason though is so she and Rose can conduct research to recover their lost memories and such. To be honest though, they should just leave the scars be.

I sighed. Every human and troll were as they used to. Vriska was ever annoying and just...her. Terezi still licked things for her sight. Tavros was still insecure and stuttering half the time. Equius was still his sweaty, overly turned on self an Nepeta was still a rp-er. Everything was the same except there was no blood or gore to conceive. No bodies were piling up next to me that I would have to look at with every step. Everything was just as it was and as much as love it to a extent, I'm uncomfortable with it. They all are as annoying and agonizing as they used to be, including the humans. The human were still insufferable little pricks. All of them except one.

John Egbert.

He was just off. He never was as enthusiastic about his movies as he once was. He didn't protect his precious Nick Cage or his favorite movie Con Air. He never did any of that anymore and it was just weird. He was more conservative of his information as well. He wasn't carefree and it just bothered me. No, I will never admit that. Never in my sniveling life. He was just off and without his normalcy, I felt like we weren't out of the whole deal yet. It was like that one anomaly that never fully was fixed. He never spoke of his friends and if he did, it was short and vague. Even through pesterchum, his answers seem forced. It's like he never wants to talk about them and gently tip-toes around the topic. He wasn't the windy idiot no more, but an evasive boy who was hiding something. Maybe I'll find out when I go stay with him?

Fuck. This is making it seem like I have flushed feeling for him! That's stupid! There was no way I would like a windy idiot like him in the remaining sweeps I had. I shake my head vigorously. No way. My reddened face contradicted the denials though. I brought my hands up and clenched them before letting them fall limply to my sides. Gah, this was so infuriating. I have no time to consider my emotions when I need to attend this business that I had handed to me. But maybe I could consider a little- no.

I can't think about this. Kanaya wanted me out of here and with John before 6 am in their time. I sighed and looked outside at the Alternian sky. They were starting to get brighter as the dark blue was tinting towards purple and darker clouds glided across. I was going to have to hurry. Just another reason why Kanaya should go. She can be in the Gog damn sunlight as well as the dark. I sighed grumpily and plopped on the ground. This was so irritating. I rubbed my temples lightly as I tried to calm down. No need to get worked up over a little change. That was pointless; a distraction.

And I knew from experience what happened with distractions.

Grinding my teeth, I got to my feet and walked towards the exit of my room. It wasn't really that big so it only took me a few steps. It was only big enough to hold my bed, desk, drawer, and a few other essentials. I didn't mind it. It worked for me. I wasn't like Eridan who wanted the largest room because of his hipster royalty. What the fuck ever.

I hesitated at the door before grumbling and walking out. No time to act like a wriggler; Vriska would tease me for the sweeps to come. I already didn't like her so this would add to that ignorance. Her spiteful antics weren't something everybody liked. To be completely honest, I have no idea how John survived her for so long.

...And we were back on the topic of John. My mind needs to stop. I can't be thinking of him like that. My mind denied it though. It pulled pictures of John out of memory and I can't help but feel a small quirk at the corners of my mouth. Gog. No. Stop. I shook my head again and grumble at the floor as I continue to walk. Fucking jump scares when a picture pops in my mind and I have to ignore it with all my might. Stupid emotions playing tricks on me.

No matter how he did it, he still wouldn't say. It was a mystery that just wouldn't be uncovered since John thought it was plain as daylight. Maybe the wriggler used ear muffs for her chatter and kind of skipped her messages? Who cares anyways? Certainly not me.

I stomped over to Sollux's room. I knew I have a short fuse that I should control, but I doubted stress was the cure. I mean, that's practically what I'm made of: stress, hatred, and anger. I acted this way to mostly protect my blood color. I don't want to risk people getting too close. Nobody knows and if I can help it, nobody will. My blood is a disgrace. It is mutant and not even a high mutant blood, but a low. It was the lowest of the low and if anybody found out, they might kill me. That's what they do to all the mutants. They get rid of them. Toss them out. Slice them up. Incinerate them. I honestly don't know how I survived the trials or how I managed to get a lusus who pitied me enough to take me under it's wing. Mutants like me should have been the first to die, but I was stronger than the others. I was more willed to live. Funny how I was fueled to live only to drown in misery now. That a pathetic excuse of a irony now.

I blinked back my thoughts before knocking on Sollux's door. He should be up by now. He normally stays up this late for his hacking activities; a habit I grew out of after the game. I stood at his door, impatiently tapping my foot and glaring at the door. Okay, he should be awake now. Doesn't mean he is. I was about to knock again, louder this time, when I heard something. I stopped and leaned in, ear to the door. Soon enough, I heard his stumbling foot steps as he opened the door a crack. He blinked a few times when he saw me with my arms crossed over my chest an a draw-string backpack on my shoulder. I rolled my eyes and pushed the door open to let me in. I heard his stumble and scoffed at his frown.

"KK, thith ith unexpected... Why are you up thith early? Fuck, why are you even up at all?" He glanced at his clock as to emphasize the question. I huffed and responded with my usual hint of annoyance.

"I need to go somewhere fuckass," I started then clarified more simply, "I need to use the transportalizer to reach the humans." I said humans with a tinge of distaste. It was a reflex of the matter since I guess it passed from me never really liking them. I could tolerate them, but only to a specific limit until I would snap. I didn't necessarily like them, but I don't feel blood-thirsty vengeance as well. It's just a case of mutual hatred.

"Why do you need to thee the humanth?" He asked before giving a smirk, "Do you have a pothible love intereth?"

My eye twitched in irritation as his smirk grew. Why can't I slap him? Please let me slap him. Or a punch in the shoulder even? Something to wipe that smirk from his features in a instant while reflecting my distaste in the subject. He was a idiot but I couldn't turn to anybody else. He was the only troll that could work the troll technology successfully without any fault. If he wasn't, I sure as hell would not be here. He was just a poser that I never got used to being around. Actually, if he wasn't the only one who could control this, I would be asleep, despite Kanaya's request.

"No idiot. I have business to attend to," I replied venomously. He chuckled lightly at my reaction before walking over to his technology. Flashes of light appeared all over the room as his husktop came to life. I followed wearily to look over his shoulder. He glanced back at me before turning back to his screen, fingers moving all over the place to get the pad set up. After a minute, he gave me a thumbs up and I walked wearily over to the pad. Slowly, I got on. It glowed as I stepped on which made me uneasy from the past memories.

"Where to KK?" Sollux questioned slightly to myself. I shuffled slightly before answering.

"John Egbert."

Sollux peeked over at me with...was that fucking curiosity? I swear to gog that I saw a glint on his shades like those stupid cartoons I've seen on Earth. What were they again? Anime? I opened my mouth to question the look when he toned down the curiosity to a sort of worry. Looking at his screen again, he quietly spoke, "Don't be gone for too long KK. He hath been... rethless lately and might need the athithance of the morailigienth." With that, he transported me with the last look of mild fear and worry.

I remember seeing that same look, but in the game. I remember seeing everybody's face like that and I don't miss it. Even spider bitch was nervous and scared slightly. It was for a good reason though mind you. I still shiver when I think of the scene. I still shake when I think how close to dying I was when I took the risk and doing my duties. I still want to clench my fists when I think of how I failed to stop it several times before. That moment is the cause of my awkward morailigence now and Sollux's worry just a second ago. The look of a thin line for a mouth and a conserving look of wide eyes. The look of somebody witnessing the death of another. He didn't have a reason to give the look though...did he? My morail was still his weird, happy self as far as I have cared to see. He was still normal if that is what he is. I don't know anymore and I would rather not dwell on the subject.

I looked around me to the familiar black abyss that accompanies the use of the transportalizer. My body was floating slightly as I couldn't feel anything under me or anything around me. It was just shadows. It was like limbo before you land in heaven or hell from what I got from John and Dave. I don't necessarily enjoy this part, but it does help sometimes. For instance, sometimes I'm in the worst fucking mood of the sweep and this line-less abyss allows me to scream and cry and just let out things. It allows me to clear my think pan of all this nonsense. I don't have a clue if anybody can hear me, but nobody had commented about anything so I suppose not.

Don't get comfortable with the pros though. Plenty of cons surround this place as well. It gives me way too many minutes to myself. Way too much time that causes me to go crazy. Crazy with talking to nothing but me. Crazy with not being able to express my emotions for all this time to nobody but a doppleganger in the mirror. I hate it. I fucking hate it, but I can't control it. I can't even talk to anybody about it. They don't remember. None of them. Even the insufferable pricks don't know a thing. I've been suspicious of one of them, but since I would rather not let out any weakness around him, I just ignore the temptation.

I feel the abyss light up and I close my eyes; emotions cut off the world around me. Your not supposed to leave you eyes open to the abyss when it loads your new backgrounds. If you do, you can go temporarily blind or worse. I can't think of anything worse than losing your sight though. That seems the worst besides utter death, but you can't die from a bright light unless it's something that is laser related or other. Gog, I have seen way to many movies. Anyways, most of us don't have to worry about it though. In Terezi's case, she's already blind so it doesn't really matter. To our case, it's kind of a reflex to do so. Something that our lusus's taught us when we were little and would sometimes see friends. Only idiots who didn't know better actually keep their eyes open.

I lightly move around in the abyss as I await for the loading to finish, blindly floating. I didn't have to worry about going out of bounds or running into things. There was absolutely nothing here anyways so it was all well. I still didn't enjoy the length of time it takes to actually get from place to place though. It was annoying and frantically agonizing. I don't know, something about blackness around me just leaves me to thinking about Jack Noir. I'm afraid that he'll come out of nowhere and will strike me down to repay what we did to him. This is why I'm moving around in a fidgety way. Because of the fact that time ranges here, I could be here for seconds or hours and wouldn't know it. Hence was one of the many flaws of troll technology.

I sighed when my feet lightly landed on ground and crunched on top of the brown stuff here. I remember John saying it was something on the guidelines of grass. It was weird and straw like so it didn't hold too much likeness in it. I thought this stuff was supposed to be green though, not this ugly brown color. Well, at least I was out of the abyss that encased me for a while. Now a breeze constantly licked my face and tickled my nose and face. It felt weird as well, but nice.

Glancing about, I sigh once more. So this was their home now? From the looks of it, it appeared to be John's house actually, but with some changes here and there. Wonderful. It was practically alone in the charred remains of what used to be his neighborhood. The grass, as said before, was a sickly brown color that crunched with every step. Ashes were interwoven into each blade and it was a slightly displeasing sight to gaze upon. The house at least was a lot better; physical and apparel wise. For one, it was much more intact than the yard around it. The walls were white with a black door and a few black windows here and there. It was rather bland really. This place was overall quite depressing.

I fumbled with the color of my gray turtle-neck before letting out a nervous breath. Wait, why was I nervous anyways? It's only John Egbert! It's only the idiot with the buck-tooth grin and the memorizing laughter. It's only the pink monkey human with the amazing blue eyes and the contagious optimism. It's only him, so why was I nervous? My blush soon answered the question for me and I covered my face in my hands immediately.

There was no way.

No fucking way.

Not in a million years.

Not in his dreams.

I wasn't feeling that weird emotion for him. I wasn't feeling that quadrant close to the humans concept of love. I refuse this. I deny it. I reject this idea. I haven't felt this way since Terezi and that itself was a mistake. I shifted my weight to my other side before sighing heavily, dropping my hand to my side. I can't be feeling that way, right?

When did the emotion really pop up anyways? It was something that seemed to come up out of the blue, but I honestly don't know. Maybe I am just imagining this crush? No that's too convenient, even for me. I have felt crushes before, more than once, but this one seemed utterly different and it scared me. I didn't want to feel that way. My mind was still with the game and it was scared that if I felt that way for somebody, that I would lose him in a instant and I would be in a state of depression. I couldn't handle that much stress. I couldn't and wouldn't be able to handle it on top of this mess and I won't. I won't bring this up. If I'm lucky, this feeling I have will disappear in a matter of days. I wish it would go away now, but I guess I can't fix what my heart has to fix. Ugh, that sounded just like something that John would say. No. I would also refrain from using cheesy pick-up lines from horrible movies.

In slight denial, I walked up to the door and raised my fist. If I'm correct, everybody should be sleeping right now. Everybody except John. Maybe I shouldn't knock that loud or else I'll have to deal with Strider. I looked at my fist to the door and contemplated my movements. This was how the humans communicated their presence to those inside right? Shrugging, I gave a soft knock and waited. I didn't expect anybody to have heard my little knock. It was too soft for my liking and I was ready to knock harder.

I scoffed lightly when I heard the slight tip-toeing in the house. Egbert probably didn't want to wake up the others. I'm fine with that. I didn't want to deal with egotistical Strider, psychoanalysis Lalonde, or "Too perky" Harley. They were all so infuriating. Something about their carefree attitude made me angry yet I have no clue why since it's better than misery I suppose. Those three always got on my nerves no matter what mood they were in. Not that John wasn't as well! He was just less of a nuisance I guess? His personality was just something that calmed me down shocking to say. Fuck, was he annoying or was he? I don't know anymore now. I groan once more as my dark crimson blush makes it's way to my cheeks.

Wait no! Go away you stupid redness. No that does not mean get redder! Gog dammit I want you to go away! Go away before -

Too late.

Before my blush even had the idea of disappearing, John had to open the door.

Except it wasn't exactly John. It was this weird troll that held a strikingly similar resemblance to the human. He wore the same glasses and the same dory clothes, but it wasn't exactly...John. The troll stared back at me with a scared face an a nervous grin. He looked like he wanted to run back to his respite block and never come out again. I couldn't help but give a little smirk and a greeting.

"And who the fuck are you?" I spoke through the smirk. The boy stared back a me in utter confusion and slight deflation. My smirk fell to be replaced by a thin, hardened line. Why do I feel like I screwed up here?

"Y-you don't recognize me?" The troll spoke, tears welling up in his eyes; his big eyes sky blue with yellow around them.

Fuck.

This is why I felt like I screwed up. Those eyes were most definitely the same as Johns. It was the same blue that I enjoyed, the same ones that now lay empty. I just screwed up with John and he wants to cry. Gog dammit. Why couldn't I apologize to him? All I could do was remain silent. I just remained a quiet mouse and observed other John qualities to make my mess up more obvious. His voice was the same. The same happy tone, except now saddened by my choice of words. His buck-teeth were there except they were trying to stop his lips from quivering. Everything in front of me shouted John and I ignored it.

"I-I'm sorry John. I thought you were..."

"Someone else right?" he finished, laughing humorlessly. His eyes stared back at me, empty and upset. They were silently accusing me even though he wasn't doing it consciously. I wanted to slap myself. I wanted to pull a 2x face palm combo or some shit like that. I was a ugly bullshit prick. He was a troll. He told me this over pesterchum. How did that simple fact slip through my mind? He's emotional and overwhelmed and I did nothing but rip open the already bleeding wound. Gog dammit.

Sighing heavily, I pulled the shaking boy into a hug. It was only that since my voice would most definitely betray me. I just let the hug happen so I could relay my apologies without having a voice crack or spilling my stupid feelings. It didn't take long for him to react though. He immediately started to wrack sobs throughout his entire body as he held onto my shirt. His face was buried in the fabric, but his little hands just tightened around the gray fabric as it got soaked. I didn't mind it though. I mean, I was the cause of this! For once, I felt guilty. I felt horrible for my foul-mouth and for my "obnoxiously inconsiderate" mind as Kanaya would have stated coldly. I just wanted him to smile and not be a fucking puddle in my arms. Silently, I moved my hand up and down his back, cautiously leaning my head on his.

Wait, what?

I scooted back a bit to glance at him. To my surprise, and utter amusement, he seemed to be much shorter than me. That in itself is a feat that nobody would ever accomplish and yet here was little Egbert a foot shorter than when I last spoke to him face to face. I was jubilant of course as a mischievous smirk played across my lips. I may take this to my advantage with teasing. Maybe I can bring a smile to his darkened face after all? Chuckling softly at his confused face I concluded something in my mind.

John has no idea what's coming.


	3. Overdone by Panic

Upon hearing the soft rap of knuckles hit the front door, I quietly ran down the stairs. I know "quiet" and "run" are practically hard to see together, but I managed well as it was still as quiet as it was when I was walking. My toes would gently touch each step for a second before lifting and you could still drop a pin and hear it drop. Thank goodness. If Dave or Rose were to wake from my supposed rowdiness, I would have surely been scolded for my reckless abandon...if they didn't freeze from my change in character. I still wasn't sure how they would react. Half of my mind was saying that they would accept me without change, but the other side said there would be changes that would consequently break ties that I once held onto so firmly. I feared that the most. I didn't wish for change and would rather today be like any other day, except I knew that it wouldn't be. I knew that something was going to end, but that something was also going to begin. I guess you can say it was instinctual?

Of course my horrible side won the battle of influence as I shuddered lightly at the pictured faces of Dave and Rose with disgust and utter anger. A small voice in the back of my head whispered hesitantly that it was all my imagination, but I ignored it. I know I should have listened to it. It was much more rational than the side that made itself known currently. That side laughed out preposterous ideas. It said I would be kicked out, thrown to the streets so to speak, and I believed it readily. Would they do that? They are my friends so of course the wouldn't, but would this change their minds? What if they thought that this wasn't me? Would they even trust me? I know I wouldn't. I know that I would suspect the person immediately with suspicion. At one time I might have accepted the change and would want to know more. Fear is a tangible substance though in ones mind as myself. It has mutated everything with it's silvery touch. I may have felt trust at one time, but now it's hard for me to let that emotion even surface to the ones I love most.

No. Quit thinking that way John. Come on. You know that that will never happen! They are your friends and always will be. The thoughts before are utterly irrational and don't hold any evidence to the accusations. This change wouldn't even phase the past Dave and Rose. The past pesterer's that I fought with and the ones that I laughed with. The ones that I held the backs of and the ones I hugged with relief. The both of them were so precious to me and I would do anything for them like they would to me. They would risk their lives for me. I would to the same for them if I could, but I can't. They are long in the past with the rest of them. I couldn't protect them. They were the ones I laid to rest from the battle with Jack Noir. I let them gain the end and I couldn't do nothing but lay there, dead and comatose to the world around me and the death that flew in the air.

They are not completely out of my mind though. I still see them in my friends today and as much as I hate it, I compare the two points of time. I compare the personalities and my mind always states that they look the same but without the events of Sburb, they are not the same. It's cruel to say that the pessimist side of my head likes to think of them as empty husks. I try not to personally and successfully don't. At least they are alive. I keep telling myself that. At least they are breathing and being ironic or overly observant. At least they smile their buck-tooth grin and act extra happy.

At least they are not on the cold, dried ground with crimson rivers flowing out of their pale, bruised skin and empty eyes staring up at me.

I quickly end my train of thought as I almost tripped over a step, grabbing the rail to steady myself. Shaky breaths came from my mouth as I tried to cease my racing heart. Thinking in the past is dangerous upon itself. I promised to myself that I wouldn't do it. I shook my head and finished the last step with caution, walking towards the door.

I hesitated at the knob and scolded myself for it. It's just Karkat! It's just one of my best friends that weren't on Earth. It's only the one person that always sees through my pretense. I hung my head slightly. Maybe it's for the simple reason that I have practically lost a foot and a half of my original height. I gave a ghostly smile to that before letting it slip at the other option. What if I was ashamed for this?

No. That can't possibly be it! Why was I even thinking such a idea as that. Ha ha.

Oh no...

I suppose I actually am.

The room sounded so much more appetizing now than the door at this moment. It sounded like heaven that I could all but skip up to right now, but I shouldn't. I was already inching towards it, but my hand was on the knob still. I sighed and opened the door. Everything was silent. Was I holding my breath or was he breathing real loudly? His breathing was so uneven as if he just took some big battle and didn't really win. He was flushed as well. Was he angry at me? Oh no. What if my looks made him angry at me with the disgrace of my existence? I can't make the one person who may understand me most get angry at me! I stared back timidly at him with scared eyes playing a mask. My lips were in a line, buck-teeth out, as I felt anxiety creep on. It was silent. It was still so quiet that I could drop anything and it would resound the interaction. I hated this silence most. Oh God did I hate this silence.

Almost inaudibly, Karkat let out his breath and evened his breathing slightly. I sighed as his cheeks turned to normal and was prepared to smile when I saw a look in his face. It was such a weird look, but I couldn't place it. I mean, it perked my interest slightly, but not positively. It held on firmly as I saw the smirk play across his lips. My interest rose to worry. Silently pleading for it to mean well, I prepared for the worst.

I didn't prepare enough.

"And who the fuck are you?"

A smirk was still there. The smirk that I was so confused about mere seconds ago. The smirk that scared me with intensity. I understood why I was so frightened now. That look wasn't his typical smirk, but something else. It was something cold that was at the bottom of my empty stomach, burning my insides.

It was the look of nonrecognition.

I hate to say that I nearly broke down right there. I would hate to say that I didn't stand firm and take the critical moment like a man. I did though. I did break down though it was in phases. It was in pathetic phases that started with my face first. I could feel my bottom lip tremble and I jammed my buck-teeth into them. It didn't help the issue though. In all actuality, the pain made my lip tremble harder and tears spring to my eyes. Why couldn't I not be a baby for once? I was probably a train-wreck right now compared to my perkiness earlier. I could just imagine my face...

"Y-you don't recognize me?"

The stutter. That freaking stutter and voice crack. Great. Why now of all times do my emotions have to take a downfall? I suppose an easy way to explain them is to say that they are just mood swings though for the most part I'm like I was washed of my memories. Right now. This moment. It was the few hours, or days, that were nothing but full emotional upbringings. The tears hadn't fallen yet, but they were threatening to. I wanted to run to my room and lock the door so I could cry alone. I didn't want anybody to see this. Too late to bite them back. It was too late to smile sheepishly and blame it on the exhaustion that I wasn't feeling. It only made it ten times worse when I saw his smirk fade to a hard line. I couldn't do anything right could I?

I didn't trust my voice. I didn't trust it not to give my emotional state right now. I didn't trust it not to betray me with it's horrible cracking tone. I just used my eyes. I trained them to look indifferent though right now they are probably letting bits of sadness seep through. I grimaced when my vision started to get blurry with salty water about to fall. I let a soft sniffle out with much regret as I saw him flinch at the notion. I'm such a wriggler with how much inexperience I am showing with emotions. This went against what I stood for. I wasn't supposed to let this seep through my exterior.

I could feel the thin tributaries stream down my face as the extended silence only got longer. I couldn't hold back the water in my eyes since that was the only barrier that broke through with emotion. The tears kept rolling, dripping from my chin whenever they lingered at their end. I was about to actually bring my blue sleeves to my face when I felt Karkat gently pull me towards him. It was a soft touch as he tugged me to his chest. The next thing I knew I was engulfed by warmth. It was the warmth of a beating heart and the warmth of tenderness. It was legit warmth and it felt nice. It conveyed so many emotions the act did. It told so many things that the actor couldn't dare speak. It spoke volumes to me in those few seconds. It was full of understanding and apologies. I guess what happened next couldn't be helped could it?

I'm ashamed to say that the simple action meant to save me only made me cry harder. It was no longer just a few tears trickling down my face, but rivers and waterfalls. Heart wrenching sobs squeezed out of my chest as they were choked up out of me. Oh no. I'm letting my emotions get a hold of me. I can't let this happen. This can't happen.

But the unthinkable did happen. I was in pieces in my best friends arms. What's worse is that I grabbed onto the person trying to convey apologies and sympathy. My tiny grey fists grabbed Karkat's darker grey shirt in little fistfuls. They tugged my face towards the fabric to hide my stained face. I don't know why I didn't back away or run to my room. I can't explain why I didn't just back up and smile a sheepish grin. All I knew was that he was warm and right this instant, that was what I really needed more than anything. Something about him told me that I wasn't alone in the deja vu filled world. Something in the back of my mind screamed that he can be trusted; that he was in the same boat as I. My mind was saying so many things then, but the most noticeable statement was that he seemed to be hiding something.

He was different than he used to be. Only the Karkat in my session knew this was one of the few ways to stop my ongoing tears so how did he know what to do? Coincidence?

My mind rambled as I stood there shaking. My cover is blown. My pretense is shown. My troubles are sewn. Why can't I stop? I need to stop. I need to recide this simple misunderstanding so he doesn't worry. Nobody is supposed to worry. Not him or anybody is supposed to see me like this. Only I can see me like this. Only the nightmares and I can reveal this emotion to none other than us. It was private. If it was private what was it doing being shown publicly? I was uncovered by emotion. I was revealed by a notion. I was opened by a motion. I can't be like this! I have never been like this. This is the first time and yet I don't know why it's happening now. My fists won't let go. My tears won't stop. My face won't lift. I was shattered to oblivion. I was broken to a million. I was lost to the forsaken.

I was no longer a thick mask of hiding.

I jumped slightly when I felt a hand trace my back in comforting images. It didn't feel weird like it was supposed to for me. It felt normal and familiar. It felt way too familiar and it was about to cross into the zone of the past. Was I just imagining the familiarity though? I don't know. I didn't regret the comfort though. I actually kind of embraced it as much as my mind screamed to run. I wasn't some random stranger, but someone else. It was more like...somebody who never left me. It felt like somebody who knew me for a decade which was atrocious since I have only been speaking for Karkat here for about a year. I knew him longer in the past and that part was the side that told me he was different. Maybe I'm still imagining this?

I didn't trust my mind or my heart. I didn't trust my emotions or myself. I don't know why, but I didn't. All I knew at that moment was that I was being a wriggler and Karkat is acting like he has been comforting me since forever. He's acting like he did when he knew I was about to go over the deep end, like Rose did, with stress and loss. He's acting like he did when we were best friends in Sburb.

I didn't want him to move though. I didn't want him to let go, but he had to.

I almost let out a painful whimper when he backed away, but I ceased it immediately as it crept up my throat. What am I thinking? I've stated for years the whole "No Homo" chant, but my mind isn't acting on it. It wants me to go to Karkat and wrap my arms around his neck and-

No. I'm not supposed to get close to anyone, not anymore. This isn't my Karkat even though he is one. I should never let my emotions cloud my judgment of what I should and shouldn't do. I shouldn't be clashing old memories with the present ones. It would only hurt to split them up again.

My mind argued with me. But you feel different about Karkat. No I don't. He is only a friend. He will always be my friend. He will never get close to me anymore than that. He is still the same. No he is not. He is completely different. He hasn't been stained by Sburb and the haunting memories like I have. He is still pure. He isn't scarred and I'm grateful for that. But doesn't he make you feel better? He...He does, but that's what friends do. They help one another. That's it.

I clamped down my thoughts real quick before judging him slightly. He still looks the same considering all of the sweeps - years that have passed. He still has a messy, black mop for hair as well as little nubby horns that refused to grow. I would never admit saying that I always thought they were cute. A glance at his mouth showed that his teeth were still normal and unchanged like his height (he didn't look like he gained a inch!). He didn't look too different, but maturity was in there. It screamed about him as his posture settled and his glare looked at me for a moment. He just looked older, but still slightly adorable...

Oh no mind! What are you thinking up there? I can't be thinking those awful thoughts about him. Not now and certainly not ever. In a sort of resentment I squeezed my eyes shut and fumbled with my slim fingers. No. What was that just now about the adorable thing? What were those weird thoughts? Whatever they were, I needed to quit it. I can't get attached. Not in this way or any way. It- It's not healthy to do so. If I lose them again, I wouldn't recover this time. My shattered pieces would remain on the ground with no glue to stick them on again. I would be a unfinished piece of work, a shattered vase, a doll that lost her head in a moments rough handling. I just wouldn't be here anymore, but glued to the past in a haze of loss.

I barely recovered last time and even then I am still slipping. No more of these thoughts. I just can't bare them.

I looked up when I heard a light chuckle. Karkat's face was still slightly flushed, but he was smirking now. It was a normal smirk that showed amusement at something. Not at anything either, but me. I shuffled my bare feet and looked up at him with curiosity. Was there something on my face? I wasn't sure if red tears stained troll skin or not so maybe there was? My tears were gone though.

I quickly came to the realization that Karkat made me cease my red runs. He had stopped my blubbering and just didn't even say anything. He didn't do anything but hug me. He didn't say anything but breathe. He didn't show anything, but the circles that were drawn on my back. He did absolutely nothing and ended my breakdown.

I offered a actual smile in return to his help. My buck teeth showed readily with the simple gesture, missing being shown. I could feel the happiness in it. I could sense that it was exactly as it used to be. I rarely give these anymore so I don't know why it came easily. It was just natural I guess? It still didn't make sense since I had issues giving it to Dave, Rose, or Jade. Maybe it was a lucky try?

Karkat's smirk slipped to be replaced by a blush, dark red and growing. His eyes widened a bit before he shook his head, clearly denying something. I giggled into my hands lightly and again saw the crimson flow to his cheeks, this time with chagrin. Giggles were so much easier to give than smiles. I gave them all the time, but this one was more pure it seemed. Karkat averted his gaze from me only for I to laugh again. It felt good to laugh! Karkat was being really cute... in a non-homosexual way of course! How could it be meant otherwise, right? Haha. Oh goodness what was I thinking? It was my turn to blush, but I didn't let his earlier expression leave this Earth. No, I teased him for it.

"W-What's the matter Karkat? You seemed a little," a giggle, "cherry red there for a second!"

I felt a grin tug on the corner of my mouth at his obvious discomfort and embarrassment. His face looked forever red by now. It was flushed with his blood and his eyes were looking everywhere, but me. He looked like he wanted to curl into a ball and disappear. It was a little adorable honestly.

"S-Shut your atrocious protein chute John! It's nothing! P-Probably this fucking whether or something like that..." he grumbled.

I laughed and then stopped, my grin just shining now, "John?"

If it was even possible, Karkat's face got redder. It was like a tomato, cherry, apple red lollipop with black hair and horns. I laughed again and grabbed his wrist, noticing the slight stumble in his step as I tugged him inside the house. I knew that if I didn't pull him in, he would've been content staying on the porch with his reddened face.

It only took one tug to pull him in really, but with my harsh decrease in size, it felt like I was pulling a car! Did my strength leave while I wasn't looking as well? Looking down at my outfit, I noticed I wasn't wearing my blue God Tier outfit. I guess noticing such was a reflex though it was pointless. I never wore the damn thing after the game. I never touched it's smooth blue surface now tainted with color. I never sighted it's discolored figure and I never wore it for anything. I never showed it to anybody nor did I talk about it. It was never washed since people would notice and who knows what would happen on seeing it?

I had my reasons why.

It's the only evidence that says that my nightmare wasn't a dream. It's the only evidence that contradicts the entire thing. It was like a cold sore that wouldn't leave no matter how much I try and every time I look at it, it was like pouring salt on top. It doesn't aggravate me so much as it just saddens the emotions. I haven't looked at it in about a year. It stays hidden behind everything. My clothes, my boxes, and my memories. Hidden in the dark shadows that consume me slowly, resenting the moment where I force them to recede. They follow me eagerly, wanting me to place the thing on, but I will never do that unless I have a reason. I know for a fact that the reason shall never pop up though.

I blink when I see a grey hand in front of my. It took a while before I realized there was a voice as well though in a ferocious whisper.

"John! Hello?"

I moved away quickly and flinched from Karkat, hands reaching for a hammer I didn't have. I hastily got into a defensive crouch, eyes full of fear and vacancy. My hands shook violently in front of me as I looked at Karkat. I know it's pitiful, but it's just something that never left me once the game ended. A defense mechanism that proceeds to drive people away. I liked to call them episodes since that is what they were. They were horrible things that I regret having as soon as I know I am. That's what's worse than having them: not knowing I was safe until I was moments of hours ahead. I never quite remembered having them either though my friends explained them quite a bit when I did. I always felt horrible and the fact that every time I had them Dave always was on top of me as I gained my mind back was pretty bad. Nobody could really snap me out of it. I couldn't even force myself to wake up either. My mind set was in a state of survival of the fittest and it scared me. It scared me because of the fact that I can't stop. It scared me because I know that they won't go away.

I feared the worst in the rational part of my mind. I feared that Karkat would just raise his arms and walk out of the door in stomps. I feared that he would just leave and never come back. I didn't want him to leave, but I couldn't stop this. I can't wake myself up from this slumber without aid and nobody has been able to do that but Dave.

Karkat didn't act like the rest though. He acted like he was used to it. He acted like he knew exactly what to do. The back of my mind wondered aimlessly if he actually did while I watched him wearily. He didn't walk near me nor did he reach out to me. He didn't send me any glares of pity, worry or sympathy. He just stood there. He stood there and eyed me as I did to him. His hands were at his sides clenching and not as the time wore on. He was a little tense in his posture as his weary glance watched me.

It was like that for a few minutes. It was like that for a while, or at least that is what it felt like. It felt like I was there for hours on end. It felt like I was going drown in this speechless air. It was torturous and weird. It was full emotion yet it held none. We were just staring at each other so how were we conveying emotion? We were like grey statues studying each other until one of them breaks under pressure. He used indifference and I used fear. We moved our chess pieces as the time wore on to see who would crack first and who would move the king. We waited patiently for the other to break the silence.

It was him who did it.

Turning slowly, as if he didn't want to startle me, he walked towards my stance, "John. It's me, Karkat. It's fucking beep beep meow and all that. Remember that? The stupid name you gave me when you were even more of a wriggler than now? Please think John. I'm your friend, the one whom you called to come over? Calm down and look into my eyes. You know for a fact that I never want to hurt you. You know in the thinkpan of yours that I just want to end this as much as you. I really don't want to call fucking Strider to deal with your scary ass," he paused for a moment before whispering, "we are no longer in the game. We are safe."

That's all that broke me. Those last few words. The back of my mind tried to say something that I was far to exhausted to hear right now. Those words were all that it took to release me from the clutches of the past. The bonds were broken for now and I could feel my muscles actually become mine again.

I blinked and looked down at my hands and up at Karkat who was now only a foot away. I was horrified. I wanted to hide under my blankets. I wanted to cry just when I got done. How could I have let this happen? How could I have let Karkat just see that? Now he's going to expect that and worse from me. He's going to expect me to break down so much when I don't! This impression of me is not good and I don't know what to do to fix it! I felt my knees grow weak and I stumbled slightly. It was normally like this after a episode. A wave of weakness would normally hit causing me to fall. Not every time was there someone to catch me though.

This was different though.

As I stumbled forward and fell, I felt strong hands catch me and lift me up. I was blushing furiously now, trying to scramble out of his arms, but to weak to do so. I couldn't even struggle as he pulled me to his chest once more, more so for balance than anything. Warmth engulfed me and I turned to putty in his arms. I was again in his arms for reasons that I couldn't control and for reasons I am ashamed to admit. I was weak and still am, but now I have to drag Karkat with me. What type of person am I? No friend does this to his friends! No friend drags the other into the dark abyss that they are in!

I couldn't object to the warmth though. I couldn't back away and let this be. I was stuck to the miles of heat around me.

After a few moments, I gave up and started to conserve my strength. I let my mind take over to scold me for my recklessness. How could I have let this happen? Nobody should have seen that. What would Karkat think of me? I was afraid to check. What if it was pity that was present on his face? I barely resisted the urge to shake. No John. I can't do that. I shouldn't be adding more fuel to the already blazing fire.

A few minutes passed (I think?) before I got the courage to look up. I was still lightly holding onto his shirt, now slightly stiff from settling tears. I knew that I would have to crane my neck up to see his face. I practically grew, but in the opposite direction! I still didn't want to do it though. I didn't want to see the expression play across his face. I didn't want to see the pursing of lips as he studied me with caution. I didn't want to see the hardened line as he judged me with worry. I didn't want to see his face go emotionless with a pokerface. I just didn't want to see what he was making towards my episode. I didn't know if he was upset, worried, angry, or otherwise. I didn't know if he was prepared for it or if it was unexpected. I didn't know if he actually wanted to leave right now but stayed to hold me. I had no choice though. I needed to explain myself. I owed him at least that.

Breathing deeply, I looked up and observed silently.

He did have a emotion on his face, but it wasn't what I expected. It was a emotion that I never thought anybody would have towards seeing my act. His expression told something that would have made me laugh at any other circumstance. It was one of embarrassment and utter anger. It was amusing to see his face twitch as time wore on. He seemed oblivious to my observations, though I know he was very aware of myself in his arms. Maybe that's why he is upset or something?

This was a action that went on without notice for some time. He wasn't showing anything though. He wasn't giving me a sign that he acknowledged me nor did he give me a sign that he was fully aware. He was staring at the wall with daggers as if they were the reason this predicament was happening. I almost let out a slight pout when he slowly collected his emotions to a pokerface. He was slowly closing his book of emotions from the world and I suppose I didn't want it to go? I did sigh in relief though when he didn't look down at me immediately. I was content just watching him from my lenses. Of course it was that little action proved to be a mistake as he paid immediate attention to me.

My face warmed up immediately. Oh goodness I should have kept quiet. Now he seems to be more annoyed if anything, maybe a little worried. Me and my adamant liking to expressing myself. Stupid sigh. Blargh.

"S-Sorry," (damn you stutter) I mumbled, face reddening as I looked down at his chest again I was fumbling with his shirt as I waited for a yell or something of similarity. I silently traced his sign on his shirt and trained my eyes over it, learning the symbol that I already knew by heart. My hands continued to grip the shirt and of course it was then that my consciousness had to hit.

Wait, what am I doing? Why am I not moving away? I could do it. Well, maybe. I don't know how much strength I have, but surely I have enough to stand on my own! Walking is a iffy, but I shouldn't be this close to him. I shouldn't even be hugging him this long. I mean well I know it's only comfort, but I don't need it! I don't need the worry or pity. Ah, why can't I do anything right! I'm probably sending mixed signals right now. I wonder what I feel like to him. Do I seem bi-polar? Maybe. Wait, what would that be known in Alternia? Would it be like bi-trollar or something atrocious like that? Oh goodness, don't get off topic John! Get a hold of yourself and move away while he's to quiet to do much. Maybe I should try to move away, to see if I have the strength. I move away slightly, but I couldn't even take a step. Well, this sucks. I am still weak from the onslaught of action. I sigh heavily.

"S'Alright," he mumbled, "Don't move though fuckass. I'm going to have to rotate myself so we can attempt to get up those cursed stairs."

I nodded quickly , not trusting my voice. I never trusted the thing when I need to speak most since it always betrayed me in some way. It could stutter or die out and then where would I be? I would be buried in skepticism. It seemed that Karkat didn't mind the inaudible manner in which I agreed on. He didn't seem angry anymore so much as annoyed at everything else but me. I guess it's sad that it jarred me? I don't know. I was so used to the onslaught of insults along with yelling or screaming at the top of his longs. I didn't expect this. I surely did not expect this calming stranger in his stay.

He looked at me before moving a step back, hands on my shoulders to hold me steady. I could feel my knees wobble and I cursed them for it. I hate being weak even though you'd think I'd be used to it. I just tried to keep my eyes of off it as I watched Karkat through my glasses, stained red. He was giving me a look that told me that he was about to move. I nodded hesitantly as I started to go a little pale with the over-exertion. Silently, he moved around me to where he was at the right of me. I moved my hands quickly so I could grab his arm. I felt a sigh leave my lips as I felt secure of not falling to the floor in a crumpled heap. I didn't think of his reaction though and held my breath when he went stiff. It was a moment before he relaxed.

"One step at a time alright?" He spoke roughly, "No need to hurt your ass just to get to your room. Strider would be out in a fucking moment and I rather not deal with his egotistical ass. He would fucking slice me in half."

I chuckled softly, "Okay."

Seriously? That's all I can say? Not a thank you for helping me or a sorry for the episode, back there? I was utterly useless in the points of my social life. I still have a long way to go and yet nobody can speed it up. Dave tried and he gave up on it a long time ago. It was still amusing though on how he would try to give me tips on "being cool".

After a few minutes we managed to get up the stairs with little complaint from either of us. Actually it was pretty silent. He would take a step and then would help me up before doing the process over again. It was nice and quite time-efficient. I still didn't even speak though, despite the humorous emotions he gave. For one, I was to shy and slightly frightened to speak. For him, it seemed to be that he was holding a more potent grudge. Had I caused it? Did my actions finally drive my best friend away from me? Tears no. Stop. I absolutely forbid you from flowing. I'm already a emotional wreck as is! I can't be stacking issue after issue like I did with my old stack modus. I can't be stacking a problem or a secret one after the other because, like a stack modus, I will run out of slots , or in this case my mind, and a secret will fly out. I can't let that happen. I can't let them show. This is why tears you have to stay at bay. Stay there and wallow in self pity because you will not run down my face. Do not well in my eyes. Do not reveal yourself because I can't hide you now. It's impossible to hide my tears now.

My bright red tears.

Reluctantly, my tears seemed to have complied. I refused the sigh that came my throat and lead Karkat to my room albeit a little shaky. Once in my room, I turned to shut the door quietly. Karkat went to sit on my bed. I didn't want to turn around. This seemed to be a constant conflict. I was afraid of confrontation and and the same time, I wished somebody would pull me aside to ask if I was alright. Karkat was more so leaning towards the fear. What if he asks about...that? That seemed like a likely start of a conversation thanks to my lovely antics. They had to show then of all times and as much as I hated it, I couldn't take it back. They were forever stuck in our memories. What if he understood though? I shook my head rapidly. No. I didn't want to face him either way. I didn't know at this point if it was shame or embarrassment.

"Are you going to stare at the door all day like it's your fucking life line or are you going to come over here? Kanaya wanted me to make another memo when I got here. If I'm correct, and I'm pretty sure I am, she should be awake now so let's get it over with."

I jumped at Karkat's voice and nodded, quickly stumbling over to my laptop. I head Karkat grumbled behind me as he rummaged through his back pack for whatever. Silently, I peeked over as he pulled out the phone I gave him last he came down. We gave all the trolls cell phones actually. They all had Jade, Dave, Rose, and my number programmed in them. Sollux said that he would be able to place a station in his room so we could use them from here to Alternia. It was a really easy way to connect and a little hilarious when they got confused several times by the controls. Knowing that Karkat still had his made me smile slightly before turning back to my laptop and uploading Pesterchum. Sure enough Karkat had made a memo.

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has opened a memo on board OKAY NOW WHAT -

\- ectoBiologist has responded to the memo -

EB: okay! i'm present.

CG: OBVIOUSLY I CAN SEE YOU FROM HERE

EB: i just wanted to say it.

EB: :(

CG: FINE WHATEVER

EB: :B

\- grimAuxiliatrix has responded to the memo -

GA: Hello John.

GA: I Presume You Have Made It There Safe And Sound, Karkat?

GA: And With As Little Frequent Disturbances As Possible Might I Add?

EB: hi kanaya!

EB: and yep! he's here with me with practically a dark cloud over his head.

EB: he's being really grumpy. :(

CG: STOP ANSWERING FOR ME

CG: I'M FULLY CAPABLE FOR SPEAKING FOR MYSELF

GA: Excuse Me.

GA: Karkat Please Cease With Your Disconcerting Antics.

GA: I Quite Frankly Have No Time To Be A Couples Counselor For The Both Of You While We Have This To Discuss Even More So.

EB: wait huh?

EB: me and karkat are not a couple.

EB: we are just friends!

GA: Excuse Me Then John.

GA: I Have Clearly Mistaken You Two For Another Quadrant It Appears.

EB: it's all good! i was just a little taken back i guess since i don't even know where the idea came from.

EB: how do we seem like a couple?

EB: oops.

EB: nevermind don't answer that question.

EB: go on kanaya. :)

GA: Karkat Are You Still With Us?

EB: yep he is! he seems really flustered though.

EB: he looks like a really red lollipop right now.

EB: as he also did in the previous hour he has been here.

EB: i don't think the color has even died down since i first saw him!

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP EGBERT

CG: I DO NOT LOOK LIKE ONE OF YOUR HUMAN SUGARY FOODS

CG: I WAS JUST SPEECHLESS BY THE ABSURDITY OF THE ASSUMPTION

EB: hehe whatever karkat.

GA: Now That The Issue Is Settled Let Us Continue What I Have Been Summoned For.

GA: The Assumption You Claim Was Simply A Method Of Attraction So I Could Retain Your Flighty Mind To This Memo And The Situation At Hand Rather Than To Your Questionable Antics With A Certain Individual.

CG: YEAH WHATEVER

CG: JUST HURRY UP SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH AND I CAN GO BACK TO SLEEPING

GA: Very Well.

GA: I Shall Oblige To Your Childish Command Even Though You Are Not In The Current Hierarchy To Do Such.

GA: Is John A Troll As He Stated Earlier.

CG: YEAH. THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY FUCKING THINK PAN THAT THIS TROLL DORK IN FRONT OF ME IS JOHN DERPY EGBERT

EB: :B

GA: I See Well That Is All That I Wish To Converse For Now With The Two Of You.

GA: John Would You Please Leave The Memo?

GA: I Have Some Important Matters To Discuss With Karkat And Although I Would Normally Think It Valuable For You To Retain Here For This Conversation I Have Been Asked Not To.

GA: I Hope That No Hard Feelings Are Imposed?

EB: okay.

EB: no feelings are broken!

EB: it's alright kanaya, i know that you trolls have to speak with each other every so often :)

EB: well it was nice talking to you kanaya!

\- ectoBiologist has ceased responding to the memo -

I frowned slightly at the light dismissal and silently sucked the inside of my cheeks in thought. Backing away from the desk, I swiveled my chair until I was facing Karkat and his slumped figure as he read intently what was on his screen. My brows furrowed while I brought my knees up to my chest. My eyes trained Karkat's figure as my minds thoughts got jumbled up, troubled.

What were they talking about? Whatever it was, it troubled Karkat as his brows furrowed and his shoulders hunched slightly. He also nervously bit his lip lightly before glancing up at me with legit worry. Oh no. This is not good. They can't be talking about me can they? What if they are? This isn't good. That means I let my cover slip. That means my pretense was seen through. This means my mask has been broken. I gently rubbed my wrists together, scars on scars. I did this when stress hit because I couldn't preform the act unless Dave wasn't around. I can't let them be worried though. I can't let them get concerned and I can't let them show any signs of skepticism. If they worry than they will expect an explanation. I can't give it. I can't give an explanation because they won't understand. I know they won't. They'll give me a look of pity and I can't take that. They would succumb me to a psychiatrist and I can't deal with that. They'll try to help me when in reality I'm getting worse. I can't let them worry. Not again. Overall they just won't understand what I have been through. My breath started to quicken as my arms tightened around my legs, hands turning to claws as they dug into my leg. They won't understand. Why?

Because they don't remember!

They don't remember because of me. It's always my fault. It's always my fault that everything screws up. If I hadn't died then maybe they would be okay. I might have died but they would be living. I might be in the ground or decomposed, but they would be living on. What I did was selfish and I can't take it back. I was half insane if not all when I made that choice. It was miraculous I wasn't mad now. At first I was. Knowing that they didn't remember killed me and now it was coming back to haunt me as I suffer the consequences. This isn't good. This never was good. I can't let them know. I promised her that I would let them find out on their own. I promised her that I wouldn't become a paradox. I told her that I would just be content with my friends and though that the truth, it's also a lie. It was a lie because I missed my friends. I missed the ones from my session and as much as I wished these were them, they weren't.

Oh God. Does that mean they could act differently? Of course not! Wait, I don't know. They might. Oh no. What if they hate me? What if everything I have stood for till this day crashes down around me?

I could feel a panic attack uprising. It crept up my throat and at the same time, sunk in the pit of my stomach. A chilled feeling drilled itself there and I couldn't hold back the need to let my cover loose, but I held it. I need to calm down, but I couldn't breathe. Why couldn't I breathe? Was I dying? Rose said something about these right? She must have. She's Rose. She would've said something about them. What was it? She said that these were self-induced. She said they were all in my head and that they couldn't kill me. If they couldn't kill me, than why do I feel my body going cold? If they couldn't harm me, than why were my breaths becoming shallower and raspier? I leaned my head down on my knees to hide my face. I still couldn't find my breath. My throat was constricting on itself and with every pulse, became more and more painful. I could feel my body shaking, but I held quiet. The only thing I'm grateful for is that Karkat hasn't noticed. Oh please don't let him notice. My invisible breath hitched a little.

I need to calm down. I need to calm down now or else he will notice. Okay, happy thoughts. I need to remember something happy or peaceful. Something that was full of bliss and contentment. Something that was opposite of now.

I thought of my father.

I thought of his fettish for baking cakes of the dreaded Betty Crocker in large quantities. I thought of his shaving complex with all the cans stacked in the cabinet in the bathroom. I thought of his pipe and hat that completed his image. I though of his absolute crazy love for clowns, no, harlequins. I remembered the first time he told me how proud he was. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye that I hadn't seen since mom passed.

I suppose it's questionable why our guardians are not back with us? She said that they will come back in time when the events are restored to peaceful mannerisms. I thought right now was quite peaceful, but I suppose not. I just know I wanted my father back to hug and cry into. I was about fifteen now but I missed him so much. I still wanted somebody to provide for me. Somebody I was content with and somebody I grew up with. I just really wanted my dad and his warm smile to get rid of the nightmares.

Slowly, my attack subsided leaving me sweaty and shaky. I haven't had one of those in a long time, a year to be exact. I always hated them, but normally I could let out the pain. This was the first time I actually had to hide the entire thing. I hope I never have to again. I can't do it again after this time. I can feel it.

I let my legs unfold from my chest, going limp as they swung back and forth at the chair. My arms fell on the arm rests in the same way as I gently turned the chair in a circle. That was the odd thing of my panic attacks. They left me relaxed and... tired.

I glanced up at Karkat before letting my eyes drop to a close, closing my book or emotions.

Maybe I can sleep some before chaos ensues.


	4. Confessions of Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you guys just loooooooooooooooove my vague chapter titles?  
> Pfft! don't answer that!  
> You know ya do! :D
> 
> Ciao~

I looked at my lit-up screen of the cellular conversational device, puzzled slightly as to why Egbert had to leave. This was as much business his as mine, right? Why do I even give a care? I shouldn't. Perhaps it's only a little request from Kanaya and she felt awkward to have Egbert there. She probably wanted me to relay some weird lovesick message to her girlfriend or whatever the hell they are. For all I knew, she's probably going to chide me on my attitude, something that nobody's going to change so I don't know why they try really. Either way, none of them appeared pleasant in the slightest. They both held a remarkable resemblance to each other in the terms of utter nookfucking annoyance.

I let out a huff when I saw that she was intent on my talk. What did she even want? We already took care of business and all that right? If I'm correct, then yes she did. She actually finished that, what, five minutes ago? She ended that epilogue when she told Egbert to leave, which still didn't make any sense. It was just like a giant scratch on my back that I couldn't reach. I kind of temporarily forgot how annoyingly persistent Kanaya could be when she was intent on succeeding her mission of curiosity. It was annoying, but as much as I hated it, I always succumbed to her stupid habits. Gog I'm such an idiot.

Here's a good example of me "succumbing to her habits".

Watch as I enter this conversation that I stated earlier I didn't want to take part of.

\- ectoBiologist has ceased responding to the memo -

GA: Now Before You Lose You Cranium In The Process Of Rage Listen To Me.

GA: Rose Has Brought Up A Very Apparent Topic Recently That I Would Like To Discuss With You While You Are There With John.

CG: OH FUCK NO

CG: IF WE ARE JUST GOING TO TALK ABOUT YOU LOVE INTEREST WITH THE SEER THEN I'M OUT

CG: I WILL NOT READ A WORD THAT CAME OUT OF HER PROTEIN CHUTE WHATSOEVER

GA: Are You Certain Karkat?

GA: I Very Much Must Insist That You Listen To This.

GA: It Has To Deal With Our Poor John Who I Fear Has Too Much Stress On His Mind As Of Late.

CG: GOG DAMMIT

CG: FINE. WHAT DID THE IDIOT DO NOW?

GA: He Hasn't Done Anything Per Say Karkat.

GA: Its Much More In The Realm Of Pertaining Of What Is Being Done To Him.

GA: Rose Has Reason To Believe John Is Hiding Something And That It Is "Eating Him To The Point Of Utter Insanity And Depression".

GA: The Quoted Portions Being Stated By Rose I Must Add.

CG: I GOT THAT

CG: ANYWAYS, GO ON.

GA: I Believe That She May Be Right Considering Our Recent Memo With The Topic Of Choice.

GA: Did You Notice His Lack In Practically Everything He Once Stood For?

GA: Its Rather Uncannily Unlike Him I'd Like To Admit.

GA: Even Though I Don't Speak To Him As Much As I Do With Rose.

CG: OF COURSE I HAVE NOTICED!

CG: IT'S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR A WHILE THAT I'M ACTUALLY SHOCKED THAT YOU IDIOTS HAVE JUST RECOGNIZED IT.

CG: HE'S SKITTISH ABOUT EVERYTHING AND IT SEEMS LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS NOTICED CONSIDERING THAT I'M ON ANOTHER PLANET ALTOGETHER

GA: Then Why Don't You Pursue Him In The Troubling Subject?

CG: I DO TRY BUT EVERY TIME I DO HE AVOIDS IT

CG: IT'S LIKE HE'S TIPTOEING AROUND IT LIKE A BRUISE THAT WON'T GO AWAY

GA: All The More Reason For You To Keep An Eye On Him.

GA: Karkat I Would Be Pleased To Dim This Disconcerting Conclusion But I Believe That Our Dear John May Be Falling To Pieces.

Wait what?

I read the passage again and rubbed my eyes to be sure. Annoyance and shock registered in the back of my mind as some of the pieces fit together perfectly. Even as they did though, I ignored it. I didn't want to believe such an utterly absurd idea and theory as this. He can't be doing this. He's a little down and all that shit, but slipping? No. I don't think that the little idiot can crack under pressure, but what if I don't know him at all? What if this was all some sort of pretense? A little dark for John to be honest, but I don't really know what to believe of him. Do I keep clinging to the smiling idiot or do I succumb to the depressed shadow? I mean, I just saw him fall to pieces in front of my eyes and then smile like it was nothing, like he was recovering from a relapse of sorts and it irritated me. Was he just acting happy for our sake? Sounds exactly like him. Were we all so damn clueless in this? I didn't want to think that but the image of his face in red tears broke the barrier. I honestly just thought it was just stress - I still think it's still stress, but Gog dammit I don't know anymore! He practically switched personalities when I merely tapped his shoulders. He actually stared at me like I was a enemy, like I was a monster he wanted to run from or attack. It was like his mindset was on the game still, like he was when he lost some of his friends, but he couldn't possibly remember that.

I scoff lightly when I actually think of that event. Nobody remembers it, but I suppose I'm more glad than upset? I may be the worst asshole in this universe, but I'm not a inconsiderate obnoxious douche. Things went bad there. Simple as that. I tried to become a leader that I wasn't and in turn doomed everybody to hell and back. Isn't that just like me to fuck everything up. It fits my description of a mutant.

I nibble my lower lip in thought. I still couldn't see how the derp could be so unhappy as Kanaya states. I just can't see him cracking. I can't see him in a puddle at my feet while I stand and try to clean the mess. I can't see that and I suppose that's what is placing me into this denial. I am so satisfied on believing that nothing happened. I am content in my thinkpan to not grieve over the simple possibility that John may be not what he seems. I don't see tears and emotional fragility. I don't see a antisocial shadow who refuses to speak to anybody in fear of being hurt. I don't see that and yet I have to. I still see the derp that he is. I see the windy idiot with the buck-tooth grin and the sparkly blue eyes that shown with light and life. I can't see anything else. How can somebody who was so elated before translate to a dark figure in the corner with mysterious sadness clouding his mind? Please explain this to me because I can't see it. I can't see it whatsoever and it's killing me.

I know I should be wondering why I care, but honestly, why didn't I care? Why didn't I start caring earlier on so I could, oh i don't know, prevent this from ever happening? I can never do anything right! I can't even save my friends slim sanity from clashing to rock bottom. I can't even save the one person I feel for cease the onslaught of battering emotions.

I glanced up at John quickly before glancing at my shaky hands. Why are they even shaking? Gah, my emotions are going to be the end of me! John didn't even look phased whatsoever! He seemed fine despite the purple and red splashes on his clothing. He didn't hold any signs of discomfort or breaking. He didn't look like the boy Kanaya explained to be succumbing the the dark melodies of death. Maybe Kanaya is just imagining things. Maybe Rose just over-reacted and this is nothing. Maybe, just maybe, John is completely fine and nothing is wrong in his sweet, cute little head.

Wait. What the hell did I just say? Sweet? Cute? I'm turning into a sap! I'm turning into one of the bumbling fools that can't please their girl in one of the many Rom Coms I own. Just to clear things up, they are not chick flicks. They are romantic comedies and you better retain any laughter you hold against that fact. If you do laugh, fuck you.

I seriously need to stop talking to myself. I'm not exactly the best company to converse with.

Sighing, I glanced down at my phone again. Might as well see what she wants before she gets more flambouyant with her vocabulary.

GA: Karkat Are You Present?

CG: YEAH I'M HERE

CG: JUST THINKING

CG: ARE YOU SURE? I MEAN THE IDIOT APPEARS AND ACTS NORMAL

CG: I DON'T SEE HOW HE COULD BE CRACKING WHEN HE SMILES AT ME LIKE NORMAL

CG: IGNORE THAT PART

GA: Karkat If Rose Is Correct,

GA: He Has Had Two Years To Perfect His Facade.

CG: FUCK

GA: In Lack Of Better Words To Describe The Scenario Presented, I Suppose That Word Fits Best, Yes.

CG: WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

CG: BABY HIM AND ACT SWEET AN SHIT?

CG: KANAYA YOU KNOW I'M INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT TO ANYBODY

CG: ESPECIALLY JOHN

GA: Are You Karkat?

GA: Are You Really Inept Of Acting Amiable Towards John?

CG: ...

Fuck.

She has me there. Sometimes I regret talking to her as much as I do. Can I be nice to John? I already have been! I hugged him when he cried and then calmed his episode down. I helped him up the stairs and got in contact with Kanaya for him. This isn't looking like a good case for me. Can I be kind to John? Apparently so, but I'm not going to let her know that even though I'm as guilty as one of Terezi's scalemate things.

She's expecting an answer? Fine I'll give her one.

CG: YES

GA: I See.

GA: Well I Only Have One Request That May Spawn Another Depending On Your Interpretation.

GA: Befriend Him And Watch Him Karkat.

GA: Meaning Comfort Him When His Mind Is Most Unstable And Stop Him From Committing Harm.

GA: But Attempt To Not Alarm Him Of Your Knowledge.

GA: He Is Accustomed To Hiding His Issues And You Will Do As Is.

CG: I THOUGHT THERE WAS ONE REQUEST

GA: I Did Say They May Split Into Two Depending On What You See Fit.

CG: WHATEVER

CG: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE BEFORE MY THINKPAN OVERFLOWS?

GA: One More Karkat And This Is Greatly Important Until He Is Back To Normal Standards.

GA: Preferably Physically And Mentally Both.

CG: WHAT IS IT?

GA: Anything You Come Upon That He Is The Subject

GA: Do Not Tell Anybody.

CG: WAIT WHAT?

GA: It Is Obvious To Myself That John Has Good Intentions For Keeping His Issues Secret.

GA: He Does Not Want Anybody To Know Because He Does Not Want Them To Worry Or Treat Him Differently.

GA: As Much As I Prefer Otherwise I Fear That This May Be The Best Course Of Action To Have Him Not Push Us Away.

GA: If We Happen To Know What He Is Going Through We Would Not Be Able To Stop Our Emotions From Reacting Differently Around Him.

GA: Secrets On John Are To Stay Secrets Between You And Him.

GA: Abide To That.

CG: SO IN OTHER WORDS

CG: KEEP MY OPINIONS TO MYSELF AND PRETTY MUCH IGNORE THE PRYING YOU IDIOTS MAY MAKE?

GA: Precisely That.

CG: OKAY I CAN DO THAT

GA: I Will Be Taking My Leave Then.

GA: It May Be Some Time Until We Speak Again I Fear.

CG: WHAT'S HAPPENING OVER THERE?

GA: Nothing For You To Worry About Karkat At This Moment.

GA: Just Keep An Eye On John.

GA: Please Wish Him My Best Regards On The Matter.

\- grimAuxiliatrix has ceased responding to the memo -

\- carcinoGeneticist has closed the memo -

I looked at the chat for a moment before sighing and leaving the app.

My mind couldn't help but flash to what she said earlier, about the issue of communication in the future. I mean, I don't necessarily care, but I am, or was, the leader and I do care about my friends no matter how much of a prick I may be. They are kind of the only idiots I have left since our lusus's are gone and there's few people on Alternia already. If something is going on, I kind of would like to know, but I doubt they will tell me. Fucking Kanaya won't tell me anything.

Whatever. I'll get it from somebody else later. Maybe Sollux? He's one of the few people who aren't total douches I suppose so maybe he'll fill me in, if Kanaya hasn't gotten to him yet that is.

Maybe I should speak with John-

Looking up, I sighed and rolled my eyes. Nevermind, that's out of the question now. John seemed to be dead to the universe in the chair. His body was formed into a ball and his arms were on them crossed over. His head lay perfectly on top. He was out of it, but he still was adorable, but not in the same sense as before. Yes I will admit that he's cute in his sleep! Everybody's cute in their sleep. Gog, that just was way out of context. Forget that. I mean to say that since most humans or trolls sleep and for the most part have worry scratched from their minds, they look peaceful and therefore somewhat adorable. No I do not watch people sleep! I'm not like Gamzee was with the air vents on the meteor. That's just creepy.

Anyways, he wasn't the same is all I mean. Yeah he's John derpy Egbert, but he's not the same one I knew before playing the game if that makes sense. He was more like me and I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or not. He's not a stupid pink monkey anymore, but leaning towards more of a heartless husk like me except his heart still beats. He's not like the kid before who enjoyed a good prank and hated any contact with the trolls. It was more along the lines that he seemed to know something that all of us didn't know. He was a different John Egbert and it was starting to become unsettling as much as I think it. Like I said, he appeared to be like a husk with a heart only beating for his friends. I shouldn't be thinking this way.

I stood silently and stretched a little to allow my stiff muscles to reflex. How long had I been sitting? I glanced at the clock and came to an roughly half and hour. Kanaya sure was talkative tonight, not that she isn't always. She was just a little more converse today than most, more forceful and all. It was rather disconcerting. Is she actually genuinely worried? It wouldn't be a first considering her mother-like attitude, but it did surprise me that it was for John. Gog damn it Egbert, what have you been hiding all of these years?

Of course I couldn't ask him this. For one, it would cause Kanaya to possibly get royally pissed and using words I didn't even know existed, but that didn't necessarily bother me. What bothered me would be John's reaction.

I groaned. Of course that would bother me. I can't explain why though! I don't know why the possible explanations that could appear from his protein chute actually worry me or why the actions he might pull after concern me. I can already picture how he would freak since it was obvious.

He would break down; that much was a guarantee. I knew this much just from the brief hour I have been with him in all. He would blubber on how nobody was to know probably or that we wouldn't understand or some shit like that. How does he know that we won't though? For all I knew, I might have gone through the same thing as well and he was too scared to ask. He's such a idiot sometimes. He is just so readable by the emotions that I know what he will do even after that. He would fall to pieces in front of me in which I don't know if he would be able to pick the pieces up again. So yeah, I wasn't going to be a full douche as normal and force him to speak. It wouldn't get me anywhere and at this moment, we need to get moving.

This is what John is turning me into! Gog, I swear the derp has a subconscious plan somewhere in his thinkpan to turn me into the biggest sap in the universe, if he hasn't already. Stupid Egbert and his infectious smiles. Where did he get the controller to mess with my emotions like that?

I rolled my eyes and turned to stare at John for a moment. I should wake him up. I really should wake up this idiot, but the bags under his eyes stopped me in my tracks. Okay, he shouldn't be having sleeping issues. That's only me, but those heavy bags were almost as heavy as mine and that's saying something. How is he not sleeping well? Why am I even worrying about this? I'm not his nanny though according to Kanaya, I might as well be. I'll just make sure he's alright. The stupid idiot needed to start taking better care of himself.

Starting with sleeping in a bed.

Hesitantly, I poked his cheek. Nothing. I lightly tugged his hair. Nothing. I actually pull him from the arm and of course I just got silence. Throwing my hands in the air, I stomped off to the bed again, glaring at the wall and the posters of Nick Cage scattered across the room. If he wanted to sleep in a chair then so be it. I just wanted to be nice for once and actually place him in the bed like a friend should.

Of course I can't even do that right.

As I turned my back, I heard a thump and turned back. I face palmed naturally at my dense stupidity.

I don't know how he managed to do it, but he did it. He was completely upside down. His lower body was in the chair with his legs up against the back of the chair and hanging over limply. His torso was completely off the seat, hanging in the air like his legs. His head was tilted towards his chest from the floor with his arms behind it.

I could feel my face burn and I cursed it. Fuck Karkat, why are you looking? Look away you asswipe! I tried to. I really did try but my eyes had other plans. My gaze was observing the fact that Egbert's blue pajama shirt was hitched up show his stomach. It was registering the slow lift and fall of his chest as he breathed. It fulfilled my eyes with renewed surprise as I took notice of little bone nubs sticking out from lack of hunger. Well wasn't he full of surprises! He's a liar into saying that he was alright. Alright my ass! Those bones jutting from his skin don't look like a healthy remark. He is practically malnourished and underweight. This explains his weight when I helped him up the stairs. I don't want to flip my shit over this and I still don't know why I am. Stupid Egbert and his pure heart to not worry people. Stupid idiot.

I walked over to him before crouching down. Now I practically have no choice but to wake him up. Fantastic job there Karkat. I'm the fucking genius of the century. Why did I have to screw everything up said genius?

Letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding in, I carefully poked John's cheek. I expected him to remain unresponsive and utterly comatose, or dead to the universe, but he stirred. I continued to stay in my position to see if he will wake. Okay, to make this clear, I'm not a stalker or creeper or anything of similarity. I'm just patient...somewhat. I suppose I'm loud and easily annoyed so I wouldn't be shocked if John opened his eyes and looked flabber-fucking-gasted at my signature glare.

Of course he did. I'm good am I?

He slowly opened his eyes and I kid you not they it was like those romance movies where the main protagonist is awakened by her matesprit who has been going crazy waiting for her to awake and nobody knows what to do so... oh gog I'm rambling.

I quickly recollected my thoughts as John stared at me with a confused gaze. Did he really forget that I even came here? What else to expect from John Egbert. What a charmer, let me tell you. He didn't have to even try. He was currently staring at me with observing eyes as if he was using his jumbled thinkpan to configure this moment. I rolled my eyes to try and pull him towards realization and to remain calm. I was trying my hardest to not stare at the dark, discolored bags that were stained under his stunning eyes.

He shook his hanging head slightly, realizing his current position and gave a unexpected chuckle. He looked genuinely confused, but at least he knew what was going on somewhat. Glancing back at me, he eyed me curiously.

"Karkat why are you- Wait, I know why your here," he murmured before clearing his throat gently and trying again, "Why am I upside down?"

"I don't know. I had absolutely nothing to do with it," I spoke quickly, watching his confusion dissolve to suspicion.

"Are you suuuuuure? I bet if Terezi was here she would taste guilt from you~!" He chirped then laughed aloud slightly.

"I did nothing of the sort! It was all your doing with your stupid clumsy excuses of being human," I retorted.

"But I'm not human anymore now am I? I'm a troll and you can see it clear as day! You can't use that excuse on me anymore~!" He replied instantly, smiling brightly at me, "speaking of being a troll, my horns are hurting at this position..."

He tilted his head a little, but it only placed even more stress and he ceased. Gog why was he so adorable? I could feel my cheeks burning a flame and I averted my gaze to John's suddenly interesting laptop. I heard a soft thump beside me, but didn't so much as twitch my head towards the motion. My face refused to cool and it irritated me. Stupid emotions. Nobody wants you right now!

I was fully capable at staring at John's laptop in silence, but John himself had other plans. I soon felt an ounce of pressure pushing my cheek and letting it go in a repetitive motion. I could feel my patience waning and started to shake slightly, retaining my annoyance with great difficulty. The poking continued relentlessly and I refused to acknowledge him in fear that my emotions would take full swing.

I still didn't know what to call this swimming emotion inside me. I refused to call it love of anything of relation to the human feeling. It could definitely not be that. Maybe it was kismesis? No, John wouldn't hurt me if he tried. It wasn't auspistice since it was definately more than friends. It wasn't morailigence since I already held a morail however unreliable he may be. That only left one and I sure as hope it isn't that one. I already came close to it once and I rather skip the pain of possibly going through it again.

It soon became obvious that poking my cheek wasn't going to help, but it took John a little while to notice. Eventually he stopped with a sigh and resorted to moving in front of my view. I cursed under my breath as the gaze I had was blocked and my shaking, clenched hands placed themselves in my lap. I shouldn't even be like this or even notably flushed by this simple gesture! I actually should be the one staring him down. Did the tables turn while I wasn't looking?

"Karkat."

I froze. My body became rigid against his. No no no Karkat! You are not the victim. Quit playing as such. Life you head up and endure this. You've dealt with worse and you know it. Simple flushed feelings are nothing compared to the pain of the past.

Taking a difficult breath, I looked up to meet his gaze. I briefly wondered how he was taller until I saw him sitting on a few pillows on the ground and rolled my eyes. I suppose I must have looked real comical doing that because he gave a light-hearted chuckle to my reaction. Maybe because I was acting like a difficult child.

"Now that your not staring lasers into my floorboards, can you please talk to me? Sheesh! It's really easy! See I'm talking to you right now and if you have the voice to rant and yell, I'm sure your voice is present for you to talk to me! Come on~ Stop being such a baby Karkat!" John spoke with a smile, though the last phrase for some reason annoyed me.

I barely held back the snaps I knew would come. If I snapped at him, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I would let everything out. It would flow from my mouth like the human Beethoven's fingered melodies on the piano. I wouldn't be able to keep them back and I would be unable to take them back. They would be suspended in the air for him to pluck out the conclusions. I would be screwed and I would have lost a friend as well. So yeah, not going to snap at him. Yet.

"You passed out and the chair looked uncomfortable if you ask me," I grumbled before looking at my fumbling fingers, glaring at the floor once more. My heated face was only getting hotter and I was about to just dash away to hide it.

With a huffed breath, I added, "I tried to wake you up so I could place you in your bed, but your body wouldn't move so I gave up."

"That still doesn't answer my question though!" he whined as he tugged my shirt in his tiny gray hands. I groaned and rubbed the back of my head.

"Gog damn it Egbert! Fine! When I saw you asleep in the chair, I tried to awake you, but you were oblivious to the world. I yanked your arm and you didn't so much as flinch. I got pissed, stomped off, and when I move my gaze for a second, you were upside down and I saw-" I stopped immediately, fully aware of what I almost said. That was close.

"You saw what?" he questioned innocently and I was, for once, glad that the twerp was oblivious to everything.

I glared at him, "Nothing."

Staring at my with a quizzical look, he sighed and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, raising his glasses slightly to do so. He looked out of it and appeared as if he would pass out through a apocalypse without a care. How much sleep does he normally get? A hour or less?

I stood up without a warning and walked towards his bed. The ghostly print comforter seemed quite childish but such is the life of an Egbert. What else would you expect from him? He really didn't grow too much and now that he practically shrunk a foot and a half, he really didn't need anything new or more mature now. I couldn't help but allow a slight uplift of my lips to occur when I thought of his size. I still found his height hilarious despite ignoring mine to others. I mean, for once I was taller than somebody who wasn't younger than me or a little kid!

"K-Karkat?" John stuttered, obviously taken a back by my actions. I ignored the expression and patted the bed roughly at which I now sat. He continued to look at me with wide, confused eyes. You have got to be kidding me.

"Okay, let me say this since your too stupid to comprehend it otherwise. This is a recuperacoon, I mean bed. What do you do in a bed? You sleep and have dreams of your lusus jumping over a gog damn fence. You close your eyes and cuddle to your pillow or whatever the fuck you do. So what do you think I'm telling you? I'm saying to get your ass over here so you can sleep. Simple as that and not any simpler."

"Oh," John mumbled, face crimson despite his complexion. He actually appeared kind of cu- no. Don't you dare Karkat. I battled with my emotions as he stood up and stumbled to the bed, still a little wobbly it seems. Crawling under the covers, I rolled my eyes as he looked at me expectantly. I give a satisfactory nod and stand. Maybe the stupid chair will suffice for now. It isn't like I have a choice on the matter anyways. The chair looked more comfortable than the floor albeit a little stiff, but hey I wasn't really picky right now. I just wanted to sleep.

I didn't even take half a step before I felt a small hand catch my wrist. I turned slowly to see John, or his troll counterpart, looking at me with wide, worried eyes. I wanted to break the contact, but my wrist felt the hand tighten and I ceased. Instead I looked at him until it was clear he wouldn't speak.

"What do you want John?" I spoke somewhat calm. I supposed it was my exhaustion hitting me, but I couldn't really give a hard sneer at the boy. It could also be the warm hand that groped my wrist in a hesitating stance. Either way, I couldn't give two shits and remained as such. Funny thing is that I didn't regret the picture of myself I was giving. I wasn't becoming a overly-defensive asshole. Shocker right? I blame the Rom-Coms for making me this much of a sap.

John twitched in anxiety as he mumbled, "Where will you sleep? I kind of forgot to make a bed for you." I felt his hold tighten and I couldn't help but to give a upward quirk of my lips. Where was this calmness coming from? Can I keep it for the rest of my stay?

"I was going to go sleep in your chair. It's better than the floor," I turned my torso slightly to motion towards his chair. The gray thing seemed at least somewhat decent from my view.

I turned my view back to John when he didn't lose hold, but also didn't speak. He used his other hand to fidget with the hem of his shirt while looking at his unoccupied pillow.

"John, w-"

"Would you sleep with me? I mean, like you get one side and I get the other and personal space of course! Not anything else!"

He still wouldn't look at me and it was frying my thinkpan to understand these mixed signals. Why didn't he just let my hand go so I could rest without these rampaging thoughts? Was this a simple, friendly gesture or was there a more complex meaning between the lines? I didn't want to react like a lovesick fool, but I didn't want to act like a cold-hearted asswipe as well. I contemplated the question briefly.

"Why?"

It was the right question to ask. There wasn't a simpler version of this question without resorting to the unexplainable silence. There wasn't a more complex idea without reprimanding that I rant in full force. That one word said all. Gog I was acting like the main protagonist in this Rom Com I watched. Yes I watch them for a reason so shut up. They are used for...research. I'm in now way related to a feminine originated creature.

"W-Well the floor in uncomfortable, but so is the chair! Your a guest so I should have prepared a place for you to sleep, but I didn't. I'm sorry I just feel so guilty for being such a terrible host! Your my best friend and I didn't even make so much as a pile for you to sleep on! I would feel so much better if you slept in a bed, even if it's mine. I understand if you don't, but -"

"John."

"-first impressions come to be a big deal to me and I'd feel horrible if the first impression you had of my was that I am a careless idiot. Oh no. I'm sorry! I didn't want it to seem like I am so selfish! I mean I just -"

"John."

"-really want you to be happy here while I have to entrap you here in my dramatic excuse of a life and-"

"John Egbert! Shut your gog damn protein chute for me to actually reply!"

He shut up immediately, resorting to relaying the message to me in his big, blue eyes that pronounced innocence. I huffed loudly and ran a hand through my hair, closing my eyes so I could hide my irritation from his searching gaze.

"Fine. I'll sleep in your bed, but the second you do that thing you said people do here. What was it? Puddle? Meddle? Cuddle? Oh yeah that was it. The second you cuddle me, I'm out of here. Me and my perky attitude is out of this room and on the couch downstairs."

John nodded quickly with a toothy grin and scooted over. He looked at me expectantly as I eyes the spot with slight anticipation. Why did I even say yes? Oh right. John. He has me in his hands like a piece of clay ready to mold. I was the putty, attitude and all. Oh well. It was only one night. Tomorrow won't be the same, I hope.

I slip off my shoes beside the bed and climb in quickly, pulling the blankets up to my chin. It was so weird, but not uncomfortable. I didn't want to say so because it might make John feel bad, but i couldn't help but to miss my recuperacoon on Alternia with the sopor slime and everything. It at least kept some of the nightmares to a bare minimal. This bed held nothing but a cloak to mask me. I was vulnerable to everything here, but again, I didn't say so since I was screwed either way.

"Night Karkat. Thanks for coming."

I froze slightly before relaxing into the warmth, "Just go to sleep."

In only a few minutes, it took just that. Deep breaths emanated from his slightly parted lips and lightly hit my face. I listened to his breathing with slowly drooping eyes. The breaths were like a lullaby that was unheard of. It was like a song that could never be played. Gog Karkat go to bed. Your too sappy to be saying this shit right now.

Even though it was cheesy and horrible, it was still true.

Glancing at John's sleeping face of pure calmness, I fell into a slumber with my last thoughts being John.

To be honest, even if he changed permanently, he was still John or at least that is how I see it.


	5. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah :33 I know it has been like FOREVER since I have posted a chapter, but hey, at least I did right? :3 It's a short one, but I think it'll do for now!
> 
> I finally get to show my Jack Noir headcannon! I hope you guys like him? I'd love to here what you think of this character! It took me only a few minutes to think of his speech, but it's odd and intriguing, yes?
> 
> Haha~ Well, enjoy this chapter while I work on Chapter 6 and 7 :3
> 
> [Some more tidbits are at the end as well!]

Not again.

That's all I could utter as I stood there with shadows caressing my gray cheeks. They licked up my fear with pleasure as I secreted the transparent substance throughout me. I was afraid. I feared this nightmare and the beings in it. I knew what would happen, or at least I think I do. It wasn't starting out the same, but nonetheless, I still am scared of the possibilities. Wait, no, not was, I am afraid. Afraid of the dark abyss that entrapped me. I didn't know if this was going to be my repetitive nightmare or a different one with new lust for stricken fear.

I heard a humorous chuckle that dripped in venomous hatred and cringed into myself. It was short and clipped, but most certainly in front of me. It was just in that vague area which confused me and also terrified me. I didn't know where to avert my gaze, my fearful eyes. Was he in right in front of my body or slightly to the side of my body? Was he far away or was he simply breathing on the nape of my prickling neck? I didn't want to meet those dead eyes of Jack and I'm sure he knew that, but nonetheless i was still in turmoil. I didn't know whether to open or close my eyes. Keep them open to reveal the pain or close them to resent the onslaught?

"I would keep them open if I were you Heir of Breath."

I followed the voice to white wolf eyes, glimmering with glowering hate. They stared me don and watched my shaking figure dissolve away with the glare of his flame. Oh gog I hate this. I hate this feeling of hopelessness! I hate this upcoming feeling of dread and fright. I knew what this would bring me and I didn't want to see it! I never did. Never in all my nightmares had I wanted to see what happens. I wanted to scream, to cry, to look away, but I couldn't. I could only speak in the soft, pathetic manner that I always spoke in my nightmares. It was my voice of resented faintheartedness.

"I-I don't want to see the abrupt death Jack," I whispered as I looked in front of me at the black abyss. I refused to see his emotionless features. They were always emotionless. As far as I could dream back, they always were. The gaze of a pokerface and the look of a slab. It was paralyzing because I knew that he was hiding everything from me to only prickle my fear even more then he strives for. It was his goal for me and he and I knew this. It was his condition and my acceptance.

"Is that so? Might I remind you that while your here, I am the controller? While your in the shadows, I say what goes? While your in ink, I stir the emotions? While your in darkness, you have no light to guide you. I am your only foe yet while your in my home, I decide whether you win or lose. I'm sure you know this Heir of Breath. Don't hide it you fool. Your knew this yet you still deny it with simplicity. I haven't decided if the act of your ignorance is childish or foolish. Which would you prefer?"

"Neither," I pleaded hoarsely. Fear was creeping into my stomach and into my constricted throat. It's ironic really. A Dave moment if you will. I was choking on the emotion that allowed me to live.

"Both? Yes I suppose both will do!" he chimed with a snicker, dark and menacing. I winced as a growl escaped from his throat, "I have a surprise for you."

"I hate surprises," I whisper barely audible. He heard it nonetheless.

"Oh I love them! Especially the ones that I give!"

With a snap of his fingers, my nearly closed eyes flew open. It was him who did it, I knew it was. He planted the seed of curiosity in my mind and I knew that it was exactly what he wanted from me. It immediately appeared, but along with it came a thick sheet of caution. I wanted to see it because of mild wonder, but I didn't out of idle fear.

I wish I had kept my eyes closed. Oh God do I wish that I had kept them closed.

When my eyes focused on the scene in front of me, it took all of my will to not cry. It was a figure obviously, but it wasn't my father or anybody I could tell immediately by. Even if I didn't know the figure yet, I still gasped in horror and pain. The flicker of abrupt pain in my heart vibrated throughout my body in thick waves as tears fell; red, thick tears. They poured endlessly and it sickened me as to how much it was in relation to my blood, how it uncovered my blood so easily. They blurred my vision in crimson as my teeth clenched together . My eyes narrowed in pain even though it wasn't I who was dealt it. The event in front of me just radiated the point across to me like a stab to the chest. The figure in front of my eyes just screamed out to every point of me. It screamed in agony, no, he screamed in agony. He cried out apologies and pleads for release. He let out curses in a excruciating manner. He struggled against the bonds that were hanging him by the wrist. The bonds that glowed a faint carmine against the single stream of light. The bonds that looked like a familiar sign.

What was it? Why can't i remember even though it shines out to me?

"I'd say he is the Cancer," Jack mused before adding giddily, "you know someone of that sign don't you? The mutant annoyance who is forever insecure about his blood as you seem to be growing onto? The inconsiderate fool who yells out nothing but utter nonsense? I think you know who I am referring to."

I didn't have to look at him to know that he was giving me one of his all-knowing grins. It's not like I could have done so anyways. I was frozen in my place, unable to breath. What was breathing again? Certainly the thing I'm not doing right now right? Breathing isn't the stop of air coming through my mouth right? I think that's it right? Oh Gog, no. No no no. This can't be happening! This is not what we agreed on! This is why I can't make any attachments! Make this stop. Please make this stop. No, not him.

"Kar...kat...?" I murmured incoherently. How could I speak coherently? I was in shock. I was stuck in a phase in which I couldn't shake out of. He is one of my friends! How could Jack do this to me? How could he have done this to me? Wait, he's Jack. His job is to make my life a living hell right? Right.

Is it sad to say that I preferred my father's repeated deaths to this single occurrence?

Jack leaned down to my ear level, breathing on my ear in cool wisps, "Want to know a little secret? Something to keep your meddling mind off of other things? This will surely entertain those little dying thoughts of yours. Karkat's ancestors and dancestors also preformed this little...rite if you will. It's actually quite amusing this time, much more...delicious. The Sufferer always remained silent and stoic. He was like a chiseled statue, never moving. He was reserved to his own advances and brave, but he was utterly foolish. He should have played along while he was glued to those chains of fate you see on Karkat. As for Kankri he was much more open, but pitifully pathetic. He cried out profanities in a nonstop ramble that if he was at a earlier time, would have occurred a giant..."trigger" warning. He was a annoyance for the short time that he lasted. Now it's Karkat's precious turn and he is much more satisfying than the others. His cries are like music to my ears. His breaths make me smile. His pleads for your name make me laugh so hard that I can barely breathe."

My eyes widened. The tears had stopped at this point but the enlarging made them ache from the strain. He...He was cursed to this? I couldn't help him? No, no this can't be right! I re-did everything so he should be able to go along without harm...

"If only you knew," Jack whispered. I glanced up and he smirked.

"Don't you understand now Heir of Breath? No matter what you changed in your session, you are still succumbed to the fate that was written out to you. You can't outrun fate or out-do it. The red string cut out when you were born is still there until it is cut and you fall down with blood pooling at your feet. Oh wait, I think this applies more so to Karkat than yourself at the moment. Let's have a look at him shall we? Observe his strained features of his face. Look at the bleeding skin of his wrists. Watch his head as it hangs while dripping blood and grime. Sight his rags that tear to reveal hidden scars. I bet you didn't know that past scars of his dancestors and ancestors are still glued to his skin even if he isn't them. As I was saying, listen to his constant cries of your name."

I had to look. I couldn't move my eyes from his shielded face. His hair was plastered to his forehead as crimson rolled down in waves by the sides of his head. How was he losing all of that blood and still conscious? He should be... He should be...

Dead.

But no, he was alive and straining tot remain so. He was bleeding and crying and pleading, but he was still very much alive. The tears were thinner than the blood from what I could see and it killed me by how much more it was prominent than the blood. Oh Gog, Karkat...

His arms were scathed with cuts that reopened as he struggled against his bonds to get free. So many of those scars that reassembled those on my very own skin. So many that covered his back and legs and arms that were remarkably similar to my own scars of the past. It was a grating to my sanity as I counted how many there were. Ten...twenty...thirty...oh Gog...

I could see the lashes at his skin from a whip as he turned his back constantly. His legs looked as if they were made of lead as they swung limply around the torturous clench. He was like meat at the butcher, hanging from the hook in await for the slaughter. By the looks of it from here, he didn't have to wait long. With as much blood he was losing, it seemed like he only had a few minutes. Oh gog, this is what happens when I get close to people. This is why I relished loneliness to the latter. At least nobody got hurt...but me, but I don't care about myself. My friends come first...always have. How could I have gone against my own protocol just for a hour or so? Look what has happened now...to my best friend at that.

Is it melodramatic to say that I wanted to die right then and there? Is it too much of a overkill to say that I wanted to run to no end or throw myself at him with the will to unlatch him from his astrological bonds?This was all platonic of course! At least... I think. Wait no, this isn't the time to consider my feelings. He's in pain in front of me! How can I think such horrible thoughts when he is practically screaming out loud everything he held inside? Wait a second though. Is it absolutely forbidden that I just wanted to make sure he was alright? If so, I am guilty and plead as such. Why? Because that is exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to walk up to him. I wanted to untie him. I wanted to hospitalize his wounds and I wanted to hold him. I wanted to scrub his fate of this as well as I wanted to make him feel safe. I felt protective over him, but I was still confused on whether it was pale or red. I wanted to help him to his feet and show him the light that he thought never existed. As sappy as it was, that was exactly what I wanted to do.

"Is that really all you wish to do? You are selfish Heir of Breath. Steal him the thoughts of pain? Preposterous. Bring him to the light? Atrocious. Aiding him with comfort? Unthinkable. Remember this Heir. It's your fault. You know you can't give comfort! Your even incapable of accepting the notion. How do you give something you don't even have Heir? Answer me this."

I ignored him as I slowly walked forward. I didn't want to here this! I was fully intent on going to Karkat and helping him. I guess that makes me a hypocrite since I didn't really appreciate help too much. Nonetheless, Jack is a giant freak whom just hates anything that isn't him!

Wait. Where is this self-esteem coming from? I wasn't normally this brave when I was around him. Normally I was a little...cornered. I mean, not like I was complaining! This is nice! I liked it a lot more than before. It made me feel really strong and all, like I was before the whole mess. I guess I now know how Tavros felt after he got legs. This is pretty damn sweet.

I smiled and looked at my moving feet as they stepped one foot at another. It took me a moment before I realized something.

Wait, I was actually moving? I did a double-take at my feet and smiled even more widely as I saw the miles that normally licked my feet eagerly slip away to nothing but the shadows. It was like I was light an they wanted to avoid me! Wow, light. Haven't heard that title apply to me in a while. It's interesting and nice to here. That's besides the point! I was moving! I was actually stepping and able to move to Karkat! I looked at Karkat and I swear I saw him give a wavered smile. It was so forced but it was nice. It gave me strength and everything I needed to get to him. He could see me even though what he was going through.

I froze mid-step when I felt the chilled metal of a blade against my cheek. My breaths stopped and my eyes widened with fear settling in. I could feel my breaths slowly going from none to shallow as time wore on. I didn't want to move and I didn't. The blade didn't move until a few minutes later and even then it was painfully obvious what he was going to do. It didn't hurt compared to what I have done, but when the blade broke through my skin to make the long gash from below the nose to the ear, I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't hurt. It hurt like hell but I took it because I knew better than to stand up to Jack. That confidence? What confidence? No confidence here in this little Egderp whatsoever. It sizzled out along with hope when the blade lightly prodded my cheek. Of course it was hard to think any of these thoughts when all I wanted to do was grab my cheek and cower. I couldn't do this though. I gritted my teeth and clenched them together when the pain actually registered to it's' fullest, hiding my hands behind my back as I bit back tears. I didn't move to cease the flow of scarlet. I stood there like a deer in headlights as the sword landed on my neck, waiting.

I heard a tsk-ing noise of disappointment behind me and looked at my feet.

"You know your not supposed to get that hopeful. Haven't I at least taught you that? I ave taught you so many valuable habits haven't I? I thought that you would've remembered this important one that you apparently disobeyed. How about I teach you a lesson? Let's recap against what we have learned, more so to you," he pulled out his nails, sharp as claws, and placed the sword down temporarily to count out, "I've taught you that everything of this session is your doing and therefore, your fault. I have prodded that thought that if you grow attachments to people, they will hurt you no matter what you believe from them. They always lie to you. You do remember that do you Heir? Just like I have shown you to never ever show weakness, to never let anyone see the pain or fear. That is failure and even though you are full of that factor, it's best for you to sulk in it alone, right Heir? That is what you told me when we first began. I have depicted the image to you that if you rely on people, they'll disappoint you in a heart beat. I preached to you to hold your feelings until no one was around. It is said that a villain such as myself shouldn't have done such a thing as helping the hero, and yet I did. Does that make me your friend or acquaintance? Does that make this threat play or true? I have taught you so many tips of knowledge and this is how you repay me? You repay myself with acts of disobedience and selfishness. Your own father wouldn't be proud of you."

I gasped at the mention of my father and moved my gaze to his laughing eyes, "Y-You don't know my father! He was always proud of me...he just never told me in person... he told me through notes. But still! He told me that he was so proud of me! Your wrong Jack. You have to be because he would never not be proud of me!" I paused, tears springing to my eyes as I looked away, "at least, I think so anyways."

Jack chuckled lightly and came close to my ear, raspy voice in full mode, "Remember Heir. I have been releasing him from yourself for roughly 2 years I believe? He tells me one thing every time he dies. Every single time Heir. Would you like to hear them? I'm sure some of them would shock you. Some even shocked me to a point of laughter.

"The first one was that he was proud of you. The second being that you would defeat me. We both know how that turned out correct Heir? The third was that he loved you so much. How sickening. And so on and so on. The most recent one Heir was one that you might actually break for so I will hold onto it. Or wait. Would you like to hear it right now? I'm sure this would be quite the spectacle to see, right Karkat? Ah, I'm sure he doesn't care either way. He is probably angry at you as well! You are such a disappointment Heir! Don't you see? I was the only one left to actually try to be proud of you and you even shamed me. How typical Heir. How foolish and typical."

Tremors of all sizes racked through my body as time wore on and he continued to speak. I can't take much more of this. I might actually fall to my knees and weep and I can't give Jack the satisfaction of this though.

I felt a breath be taken by my ear and I flinched, "take a step and I will have to maim you, my friend"

I heard the little slur at "friend" and cringed internally. I had no doubt of that fact. I knew him quite well from our...banters and moderate quarrels over the past years. I knew him so well that I could tell that his hand was probably itching towards my chest as I thought this little thought over. I was right. His blade was gently poking my back, every poke becoming more prominent than the last. It was first a little nudge, but now I could feel the tip of the blade on my bare skin an it was starting to worry me. This was a dream, but fears don't vanish when dreams occur. If anything, they intensify and that was the case right now. I was starting to move my fingers a little as a thought ran through my head quickly. I knew that I wasn't going to last long at this rate.

Let's... Let's pull a act. I used to be good at those right? I mean, I'm still good at them when I try and I'm a master at pretense and a pranking so it has to work right?

It's not like I have any other split-second ideas in my screwed up head.

Sighing, I let my shoulders sag in defeat and stopped my movement all together. As expected, the blade also ceased it's advances and intense prodding.

"Fine Jack. I won't move from this spot unless allowed so," I murmured obediently, rotating my head slightly to look in his emotionless eyes. He glanced back with obvious suspicion and I can't say that I blamed him. He knew me well also.

It was just obvious; the lack of trustworthy he was showcasing to me. He didn't trust me, but I didn't trust him either. We were both very non trustworthy people you see and it might just be from the fact that we are mortal enemies or whatever, but it existed. His came more so from character. Expressions were often his way of showing it by either the narrowing of his eyes or the snarl on his muzzle. Mine on the other hand came from my forced learning with the said untrustworthy one. I succumbed to anything referring to love or something that was relative to anything of comfort. I needed it. I wanted it. I yearned for it since the ones I previously found comfort in were changed. Well, Jack was the first one to show that, even if it was rather disgustingly sweet and crude.

Ironic how I was looking for comfort in the enemy that made me lose it.

"Then how do I sense the vibes of falsehood Hier? Why do I sense that you are lying to me," Jack leaned in to whisper in my ear, "that you will run while I turn my back?"

I was shaking violently now. Okay, maybe I wasn't as good as a pretender as I thought I was. That was the only thing I could do though! I thought I could at least bypass most of his perceptions but apparently not. Am I really that much of an open book or is it just because he knows me so well that I don't have to be? Ugh, this sucks. I thought that I handled to pokerface quite well so how did his prodding reveal my thoughts without doing anything?

"Are you wondering how I know? I know you are Heir?" He was in front of me now, eyes narrowing, "I know you quite well remember? Haven't you noticed how I have recently pushed every insecure button you own? There's a motive behind the actions of plaguing your very open mind for so long. There is a obvious reason why I force you into this debacle. Do you wish to know Heir? I'm sure you do don't you?"

I didn't respond. It wasn't even out of fear, but nostalgia. I knew what he was going to say before he even said it. It was just a feeling that I wanted to hear him say. Even if I said no, I knew he would tell me anyways. Might as well keep silent so I can confirm my subtle fears right?

"No answer? Fine I shall tell you whether you like it or not. There is only one reason that I have dealt with you for this long and it's quite amusing when you think about how I even helped you through this scheme. I suppose you could call it a bonus? I believe that's right. I wasn't even planning on helping you or anything of similarity, but it was so much fun messing with your head that I couldn't resist," Jack smirked and I clenched my teeth immediately, "I have tortured your already fazed mind this specific amount of time simply because I want to kill you."

I knew it.

Even though I knew it, the blow was still a giant punch to the lungs as the air left me. It was gone from my chest like matter through a black hole. Ha ha. Funny. I'm the windy god tier and I have no air in me. Wow, Dave would be laughing right now if he remembered.

I looked up at Jack and his smirk deepened. I swear, that was his second most used expression, the first being his scowl.

"You knew this fact didn't you? Oh I know you so well that you probably regret talking to me now! You more than likely don't know some things about yourself that I do! Ah yes Heir. I played this to get to know you, though not in the pleasant way might I assure you. I preformed this act to know what buttons to push when I finally find you and meet you face to face. I suppose you should just accept this defeat."

The shaking was never going to stop now was it? It seemed that way anyways. I don't think I have stopped shaking since he placed his blade against the small of my back. Now they were more like tremors and I knew that Jack was finding this humorous. He always did. Masochist is a word that could go with his name. I wanted to scream when I felt red tears fall again down my face in a trickle. Ugh, I was such a cry baby around him! Why, why can't I just not cry for once in his presence. I didn't even bother hiding my tears around him. Instead, I turned to watch helplessly at Karkat. My teeth clashed together again harder. My knees started to shake a little. I felt betrayed and yet guilty. I don't know what to do except to wake up, but I can't control that. I can't control anything here, even my hands were clenching and unclenching at their own will.

"John... D-Don't cry..."

I jerked my head up to the voice, red rimmed eyes searching for it's owner. It didn't take long until my gaze fell on Karkat. He was bloodied and cut, but he still hung there with a look in his eyes that one could describe as pleading and sadness. It was there so blatantly that I couldn't help but feel my undying anger flare up once more.

Why did I always get this way around him? Gog, I'm sure by now it is making me look like I am fl-

Ha ha ha... Nope. Out of mind.

Shaking my head, I glanced back at him with slowly fading anger. Ugh, he SHOULDN'T be like this. He doesn't deserve this. Why is he hung up anyways? Why does he and his ancestors have to be the ones to be hung and not anybody else? Actually, nobody should have to go through this! Nobody but Jack Noir himself who triggered everything and put every little event in place. Karkat shouldn't be up there, tired and weak. He shouldn't be reliving pain from his history. If anybody should be up there, it shouldn't be him but me.

"John...don't...I-I'll be alright," his hoarse voice croaked to me. He tried to give me a reassuring smile only to fall at the uplift, "J-Just get the f-f-fuck out of here...you...you don't deserve this...I-I knew this w-was my place...a-always have..."

I reached out to him helplessly and took a half step towards him.

That was my mistake.

"I told you not to do that..." I didn't have an instant to react before feeling the cool metal enter my body and exit just as cleanly. I gave a slight smile and crumple to the ground, eyesight blurring as I heard somebody call my name.

I looked around me as my eyesight dimmed and continued to do so. This was weird. I feel like I am...floating in a black hole of nothingness and I kind of...enjoy it? Something about this nothingness is comforting. Perhaps it's because there is nothing to actually harm me...or give me false pretenses. It was just...nothing. I know I have said that word a lot now, but it literally isn't enough to explain just how empty this place was. Was this where all the dead in dreams go? Is this where my father goes after he dies every time I set my eyes on him? Is this the spot where Karkat will end up after he suffers so long that he will just...die?

I mean, I don't feel pain. I feel like I am at perfect health, save for the aching in my heart. Like, everything is just a fuzzy mess in my head and smiling actually didn't sound that bad right now! I felt so at ease here and I honestly didn't want to leave this abyss of darkness. Perhaps I wouldn't? I wouldn't min I think. Rose, Dave, and Jade will probably go on well without me holding them back. Karkat...well, he can safely say that he was the last to see me actually smile...

I looked at the surroundings around me and smiled lightly to myself. Perhaps, dying in your sleep isn't so bad right?

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a faint glimmer. Turning my head towards the light, I noticed that my body was glowing and that it was slowly dissolving into blue, glittering dust around me. I stared at my right arm in awe as it was slowly eaten away and gone. It was just so...different than I imagined it would happen. I thought that when I would actually die in my dreams, it would be when I slowly faded to black, not in color. Why in color? Is it because I made God Tier or is it because of something more.

I mulled this over as the dust empowered my legs and all that was left was my torso and some of my thighs along with my head.

Well, I get to die in style right?

Never thought I would die in a dream though.

Well, there is a first time for everything right?

Let's hope that this is my last.

I closed my eyes slowly and breathed in, smelling nothing but dull air. Waiting a few seconds, I savored my last breath before letting it out slowly as the dust crawled to my neck.

Well, goodbye I suppose?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger!  
> Haha~ I hate them. I hate them so freaking much, but oh gog do i love to incoporate them into my fanfics. :3 I was going to continue it, but cliffhangers are soooo much more fun! 
> 
> So...what happens to John? Does he actually die? Does he wake up? What do you guys think? Please tell me your thoughts! XD
> 
> Oh! What did you think of Jack?
> 
> Hm....I think that's it! 
> 
> Ciao~


	6. A Step Towards Understanding or Disaster?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so freaking sorry guys D: I meant this to be up a WEEK after chapter 5 and instead, it took me months. This isn't even that good of a chapter DX I'm sorry I took so long :(
> 
> The reason it took so long was because I write everything out in my journal and then type it and edit. It's a long process I know, but it helps me from getting writer's block to often...which I had for a while. Like, towards the end of this chapter I was like *table flip* "How am I going to finish this! Should I even finish this? Blah blah blah" and then I got random inspiration and finished it 5 days ago =/
> 
> Fuck...Well, let me do a little warning thingy here for this little chapter:
> 
> Warning: Self Harm :(
> 
> It's horribly awful and I hate it, but it's happening in this...
> 
> But yes! It's up...after such a long time. I know this is different then what normal Authors do, but schools in a week so expect faster uploads then! I normally write during school since it's so boring :33 Well, that's it ^^
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own homestuck (otherwise ships would spur everywhere)
> 
> Ciao~

Well, like I said, "I suppose..."

"...ohn!...ake..p...!"

I was startled awake when I felt somebody gripping my shoulders tightly, shaking them all the while.

Who...who took me away from peace?

I opened my eyes to see Karkat's frightened ones. They were wild and wide, staring at me like I had conjured a monster, or turned into one. His ink black hair was disarrayed as well as matted to his sweaty face on all sides. He looked flushed as if he had a nightmare of his own and it concerned me more so for him than myself. Gently pushing him away, I sat up, leaning on my bed frame lazily. I studied him lightly, staring into his eyes for a second before I slumped forward, wrapping my limp arms around his waist. I felt him freeze for a second before awkwardly patting my back, murmuring curses under his breath.

I didn't shed a tear or cry out in blubbering nonsense. I held it in and just literally sat there, hugging my best friends waist like a lost child who was reunited with his parents. Like Nick Cage in that horrible movie that I honestly still have no clue how I ever felt love in. You can get the point though. I didn't burst into an emotional mess in his arms or anything, but I still felt like I should in a way...? I can't really explain it.

After some time, I scooted back, glancing at Karkat with an apologetic expression. Wow, talk about weird. Well, I never did act like myself in the first 30 minutes of waking up from my nightmares. It always affected me in the wrong way since reality would crash on me once more like it did the very first morning we got back.

"I'm sorry," I murmured strangely calm. I averted my eyes and stared at my hands, flat on my crossed legs. My mind was quiet though. It was calm and not racing at one hundred miles per hour like it normally was. I may have looked apologetic, but in all actuality, I still don't know if I am. I could feel the emotion playing across my face like a motion picture, but I don't know if it held it's place. I felt just...strange I guess? I think the nightmare affected me more than I thought. I thought I would be thinking about it during the day every so often. It was more than that actually. It was like I felt betrayed and detached from my conscious at the moment. The dream affected not only my mind but me.

Huh. Well, there's a first for everything.

"Why are you apologizing?" I looked up at him with a quizzical look. He sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair, wincing as his digits caught onto tangled locks. I stared at him blankly as he did so, still not comprehending his question.

Why am I apologizing? Why shouldn't I be apologizing is what he should be asking! I mean, I practically went totally against my whole "No Homo!" rant with hugging his waist in a non-platonic manner! I hugged him randomly and didn't give him an explanation as to why. I placed him in a very awkward position while I didn't register it. Ugh, I am such a derp and yet he is asking why I am apologizing. I...I don't understand to be honest...

"As far as I am concerned, you had every right to do whatever the fuck you did; no matter how quadrant confusing it is to me," he stopped immediately, face flushed a brighter red then before and instantly adding, "that does not mean you can do it whenever you want though! Only when you have nightmares...like that or worse."

He got quiet as I contemplated what he said. It was actually as if he cared for my well-being. Weird.

Wait a second.

"How do you know I had a nightmare?" I asked him almost inaudibly. I know I don't talk in my sleep. I stopped that I long time ago when I found out that Dave over-heard me in my nightmares. He still doesn't let me live it down, especially since the part he heard was me screaming to my father as he died. So yeah, I shouldn't have been sleep talking or anything! How did he know I had a nightmare?

Karkat stared at me for a second, getting redder by the second. How was this making him flushed? I swear he is starting to look more and more like a cherry each second as I stared at his face.

"I... I just knew alright? I can't fucking explain it," He muttered, looking at his fists.

I tilted my head, "So... you had pretty much an instinctual moment?"

He nodded, "Yeah, I guess that's the term for it here."

I let a ghostly smile cross my lips before leaving once more. Huh, well I guess that explains it.

Silent, I tilted my head up to stare into his black eyes yet to change to their blood color. I noticed the little things about him that I normally wouldn't have noticed in any other situation than this. That is, a situation that would be socially and physically awkward for a NON-homosexual as I, but whatever!

For the record here, I am definitely one-hundred percent non-homosexual. Straight as a arrow. Not a circle. Nope, never, don't think otherwise.

I could still take notice of his status though as a FRIEND. It is what FRIENDS do after all. They look after each other and keep each others backs! Well, I guess on Earth they do. Not a clue what they do on Alternia.

Anyways, I could tell Karkat wasn't fully alright. Something about his little red ball of fury self seemed off. Color me with suspicion.

I slowly angled myself as to not catch his eye. I needed to see what was wrong! That's what good friends do right?

I took sight of his midnight black hair and his little nubby horns. I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and frowned slightly. We weren't in danger anymore (and he wouldn't remember the memories anyways...) so he should be sleeping peacefully right? In all honesty, he shouldn't even have those marks in the first place. Also, if sleep increases height as Dad used to tell me, then he should be taller as well right? I don't think he even gained an inch, though I can't be sure since I'm now shorter than him by a good amount. But back on topic! He should be taller for sure even if he was sleeping well so if he hasn't grown much, if any, than he isn't sleeping at all...

Did he even sleep last night? I should have kept an eye on him. I'm such a terrible host and friend... even to those who need much more help than me.

I was about to comment on them, and maybe scold him a little, when I heard a knock at my door.

"Hey Egderp! You up yet? Rose says breakfast is ready."

I gulped at Dave's call, old fear settling in. Right. I still need to deal with this. I still have to cross that bridge of uncertainty.

But fuck do I not want to.

I cleared my throat, "Yeah I'm up! I'll be down in a second!"

I sighed when I heard footsteps walk away from the door before jumping once more. Damn Dave and his speed.

"Egbert you okay in there? Your voice sounds a little different. Are you getting sick? Want me to come in and check for your temperature or what the fuck else your supposed to do?"

I reddened slightly before shouting back in mockery, "No I'm fine. I didn't know the 'so cool' Strider could hold such compassion for a lonely damsel as myself!" I almost laughed at my reply. Looking at Karkat's disgusted and confused expression only increased the temptation.

"Babe, you only think I give shit about you. You're just imagining that this lovely Strider ass could be yours and you know it," I heard a light chuckle from behind the door, "But nah, I just want to know so I know if we should forge a parent's note saying your sick for school and shit."

"No! I'm really fine! I promise! Tell Rose and Jade that I'll be down in a few minutes," I replied quickly, giggling now. Dave could always get a laugh out of me.

"Alright Egderp though just sayin', I swear you take as long as Rose does in the mornings for her make-up, hair, and shit. You know you don't have to pretty that little face of yours for me. You'll always be adorkable."

I swear I could feel the smirk of his through the wooden door. This is why he has every girl in high school at his feet, because of his flirtations and utter charm that seems to attract females and males both. I've never seen him actually date any of the girls though, no matter what shenanigans they do to get his attention. Nonetheless, he always says I was the only guy who wouldn't fall for his charm. Oh I would. If it wasn't the fact that I was a NON-homosexual, I would have fallen for that smirk long ago.

Can't say that the nerdy "adorkable" didn't bring a bigger smile to my lips though.

Once more I heard his steps get quieter and softer as he walked away. This time he didn't come back. Sighing in relief again, I leaned against my bed frame, rubbing my temples. My smile slowly melted away, being replaced by a grimace.

During that entire conversation it took me all my will to not cower in my closet or hide under my blankets. I didn't want to talk to Dave in such a casual matter stating lies that I am okay when I'm actually not. I didn't want to confront Rose or even Jade! I didn't want to see their faces or reactions. Gog, I'm such a paranoid freak and this change shows it! I do have a perfectly good reason to be this paranoid right? I mean, they could change!

Yeah I don't have a good reason.

I gently chewed my lip as I thought of a joke to break the ice. I needed to shatter the stiffness in the room almost instantly to not shake my friends personalities so much.

I caught Karkat looking at the door then at me once more.

"You didn't say I was here." It wasn't a question.

" I didn't want Dave to bust down my door yet thank you very much."

"They have no clue that I am here do they?"

"I didn't exactly have the time or mind to tell them while on borderline panic Karkat!" I spoke defensively, getting a little nervous.

"Whatever. It's just going to be more explaining on your part," he muttered more to himself than I. I still heard him though. I mean, how could I not? I was sitting right next to him practically!

I looked at him with wide eyes before looking at my feet. I could tell he probably didn't mean it to scare me, but I guess it brought realization that I was alone. Nibbling on my lower lip some, I twiddled my thumbs as I felt the reddening blush rising to my face.

"Y-Your not going to help me?"

No. No no no. Stutter go away. Why must my voice fail me. Gah, he probably thinks I'm scared...well I am, but that's besides the point! He wasn't supposed to know how frightened I was. He is supposed to remain like everybody else, oblivious and happy. He's not supposed to ever be concerned in the slightest in my well being. I couldn't keep my emotions together and this is what happens. This stupid change is affecting my control. Stupid change. I don't even know how it happened, but now that it has, I can't control myself around Karkat!

Wait, no! Not that way! I mean that I can't control my emotions around him. Wait. Gog, not that either! What am I even thinking?

I could feel my face flush and let a pout slip through. I wonder what Karkat thinks of me right now. He's probably smirking, or he probably isn't even, and I quote, "isn't giving a single fuck". If he is smirking though, I don't want to look.

I heard a loud huff after a few minutes and looked up to see Karkat's face, eyes glaring at the floor and face flaring to his hairline. I resisted the urge to laugh and to call him a Kitkat, you know, since they are red? Or at least have the red wrapper? Never mind, I don't know where that was going.

Tilting my head, I looked at him, lips tight so I wouldn't smile at his expression. I didn't know what to say to this. I mean, this was how is expression was normally! What do you say to the face you see everyday? Nice face? Haha, nope. Besides, I rather not make him angry right now.

"Fine. But I'm only explaining what I know. Your on your fucking own from there," he grumbled, facing away from me. I grinned and hugged him real quick before dashing to the rest room to change.

Again, for the record, that was a FRIEND hug.

It took me a minute to get dressed but I eventually came out with regular dark blue jeans and a long sleeved white shirt with the green slime figure I normally wear. It was big on me due to my lack in size so the sleeves were a tad bit longer and hung limply at my sides. Let's just say they were long enough to cover my fingers fully and then some. Anyways, the same issue persisted with my pants as I had to struggle to place a belt on them. Rolling the cuffs as I stumbled out the bathroom, I quickly caught myself on the edge of the door and smiled sheepishly at Karkat. Even though my cuffs were rolled up, they still dragged themselves quite a bit against the floor. Gah, I hate shrinking, even though this is the only time this has happened to me.

Karkat was smirking at me. Like a legitimate smirk. I swear, if I had a pillow right now, I would throw it at him right now. I probably would have missed considering he was leaning against the exit and could avoid the onslaught easy. I could tell he was getting slightly impatient with his foot tapping.

But still, the smirk bothered me!

"What's so funny?" I asked, pouting at him.

"Nothing, you look so cu- colorful. Your very fucking colorful," he replied though I took notice of his stutter and giggled lightly without another response.

"I don't see any color on me," I mused then tilted my head slightly, thinking about it," well, now that I think of it, I am wearing green, white, blue, and black! If you count me as a whole, then I'm also wearing gray, yellow, red, and a brighter blue!" I smiled at Karkat as he rolled his eyes and opened the door a little.

I could hear the small bickering between Dave and Jade downstairs and froze, biting my bottom lip. A frown pulled at the corners of my mouth as I glanced at my stationary feet. Karkat looked at my expression with a perplex one before letting the corners of his mouth curl up. It was so miniscule that you had to be friends with him for a while to notice t.

"Come on. I doubt your insufferable prick-like friends will change. One reason because their idiots who can't even fathom the idea and secondary, they'd be fucking jerks to abandon you. It's not going to help avoiding it or else it might just blow up in your face."

I gave a small smile and walked over to Karkat, nudging him lightly, "Yeah I guess your right. Thanks Karkles."

I blushed almost instantly when I realized what I just said. Karkles? Really John? This is what I get for hanging out with Terezi too much before the scratch that caused everyone to forget. This nickname that popped up every time she mentioned him. I didn't mean to say it! I meant Karkat; not Karkles, or Karkitty, or even Kit Kat.

It was obvious by the tone that he used that he was just as surprised as I was, "W-What? I-I mean, yeah whatever. Fuck, you know what? Let's just forget it okay? That entire little debacle or whatever Kanaya would call it. I know you'd do the same with me so it's only natural." He shrugged nonchalantly although his face remained red.

I nodded slowly, taking a deep breath and walking out. Right let's just forget that ever happened because that was so freaking embarrassing...for the both of us! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Ugh, my head was going to hurt even more so if I don't stop arguing with myself... Shaking my head, I stopped when I was in the hallway leading to the the banister and stairway.

Nothing stirred and the banter downstairs still continued. I was about to take another step when somebody pulled my collar and tugged me back with it. I looked behind me and noticed Karkat with his natural scowl and his arms crossed over his chest. I glanced at him with confusion. Why would he tug on my shirt? Did he have something to say? I thought of a million and one things he could want as he opened his mouth to speak.

"If things do... change and you feel like you can't handle it, tell me or give me a sign so I can tell them to back the fuck off."

I laughed nervously, "If your right, I won't need to so let's just hope that you were right, okay?"

Turning with a faint smile on my lips, I started to descend down the stairs. I'll admit that with each step I took, it felt as if a new layer of fear sprout up on top of the last. It was suffocating me and my mind. I know it's just a feeling that was all in my head, but it didn't feel like that at all. It piled every outcome that could materialize from this exchange and it topped all of them with the loss of friendship. With the loss of Dave, Rose, and Jade; the last friends I truly love.

I must have been shaking or something like it because when Karkat placed a hand on my arm, it was like the hand itself was shaking though I know Karkat wouldn't be frightened out of his mind right now. That would be me. He has nothing to worry about. I do. I have to worry about everything and I guess I'm jealous of him though I know that I shouldn't be. He's my friend too...just not as close I suppose.

"John. Seriously calm down. Your thinkpan looks like it might break apart at any moment. They are not going to hate you, you know. Dave is an egotistical assmunch but he's not a do- wait yeah he his. What I'm saying is that he won't abandon you. Rose may be a psychological broad and everything, but to be honest, I think she might enjoy your change more so than anything. Not in a fucked-up way, but kind of in a friendly-ish-way? Fuck it, you get the picture. Jade has always been cheery and all that rainbow bullshit so she won't even care! I mean, she is your ecto-biological related sister so she is pretty much like you. If you weren't like this, would you judge anybody who has gone through with it? I doubt it.

"That only leaves you who is the only one over-reacting. Just calm down. Shit hasn't hit the ceiling yet so your in the safe right now. If any of your idiotic friends do change, I'll be your fucking friend still right?"

Karkat actually used the first names of my friends for once... I guess he actually means what he says. Well, that's nice to know. Once again, a smile was brought to my face albeit a little wavered. He kept getting better at what was bothering me and what wasn't. What I didn't know was how he was doing it. Is it just a lucky guess like when you punch "Feeling lucky" on a Google search and going to the page you want?

I was at the door of the kitchen now and I could hear the voices ahead, varying in pitch and style. They seemed to be arguing over something, but I toned it out.

Okay. I just need to get through that door. Just take those little baby steps and gently nudge the door open. No biggie right? It will only take a second or two! What is there to worry about? Come on John. Don't get scared now! Worst comes to worst is that I would have no friends but Karkat who now gazes at me with a mixture of concern and exasperation. Okay, that's a sign that I need to get moving. Nothing will get better...or worse...if I just stand here!

Thanks to Karkat, I did get moving...just not of my own accord I guess. He nudged me towards the door and I gave a hesitant nod to him. Gog I wasn't ready for this! I was never ready for confrontation.

I took a deep breath, probably the hundredth one today.

Plastering a fake smile, I walked into the kitchen with heavy steps and heavier thoughts. I was immediately met with Dave, Rose, and Jade seated at the table engaging in strifes of vocabulary.

"Dave! You shouldn't wear you shades at the table! It's so rude!" Jade complained, pointing her spoon at the said cool kid.

Dave smirked, "You trying to steal my cool? You trying to find the secrets this cool kid has? Nah, they are my key to the cool. Plus, they are from Egderp so it's a no-go Harley."

I froze at the mention of my name from their lips before relaxing and remaining at the doorstep.

"Oh but brother dearest, what of those consecutive 'feeling jams' you have with me on John? You say it like he's the one who gave you your persona of present coolness," Rose spoke with a smirk of her own on her blackened lips. I saw Dave's smirk falter and his face redden.

I thought this was a good time to barge in...

"Umm... H-Hey guys?" I asked with a nervous chuckle. Dave was the first to turn towards me and I could tell that his pokerface was becoming strained and forced. I learned to tell the difference from the game when he used to hide his emotions about our possible and many deaths he would see, god tier or not.

"Oh, good morning... what happened to you John?"

I looked at my feet when I heard the concern in Rose's inquiry. I was going to continue this way when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I squeaked and looked behind me to see Karkat, glaring at the others as they looked between us. My face was reddened practically instantly, but I somehow managed to to flee the room like I used to. Instead, I turned to Karkat.

"Why did you come in? I-I was going to explain and..."

"Well by the look of it, you weren't going to explain anything unless it was to your feet," he rolled his eyes, "face it Egbert, you didn't have any fucking idea on what you were going to say to these oblivious fuckasses."

I flushed even more before looking at all of my friends. They were staring at Karkat to me and back to Karkat. Jade's expression seemed a mixture of confusion and slight worry. Rose fave me a peculiar expression. It was one of curiosity, concern, and an underline of dark awe. I shudder and avoid the gaze of Karkat from the action. So far so good. No screaming or murdering. Maybe everything will be al-

One look at Dave and that thought dissipated. I could tell that his "cool kid" persona was becoming strangled as time wore on and our gazes grew longer. His mouth was set, but every so often it twitched down as well as my heart beat. Gog, why? Why him? My best bro! My friend! Why him of all people? It doesn't make sense that he should be the one. No. He should be by my side with a smirk murmuring everything will be alright. Wait, no. I'm confusing him with the other Dave. This is a different Dave. He has full rights to act this way.

It still hurt like a stab to the heart though.

"John? Are you alright? You appear to be on the brink of tears," Rose murmured taking a step forward.

I nodded and plastered another fake smile on my face. I made sure this one lasted longer. I could feel my hands shake violently though, but quickly stuffed them in my pockets. No need to worry them further by looking unstable. Play it cool John. Act like a Strider. I gave a fake laugh and rubbed the back of my head in a sheepish manner.

"I'm fine Rose, really! I'm just a little shocked that you didn't freak out or call the cops or anything like that!," I smiled at her slowly relieving face.

"But what happened John? I'm so confused! One day you're human and the next you're..." Jade started before letting it die.

"A troll? Yeah, I have no idea either, but isn't it cool either way?" I winced as the grip on my shoulder tightened before continuing, "I mean, look at me! I have little candy corn horns and gray skin along with yellow scleras! It's like I came out of one of your weird sci-fi movies of whatever!"

I sighed quietly as Jade's lips upturned to my remark. I almost smiled for real at the familiar sticking-out of the tongue she did as well. Gog, sometimes she's such a child. Ha, like I am to talk. I guess we all are, I just matured more. Nonetheless, two down, one to go.

I reluctantly turned my head to Dave.

Well, to Dave's turned away face I mean. He still seemed so on edge though! His hands were clenched with knuckles bleaching. His shades hid nothing with his face turned to the side, a profile view. His eyes were squinted in anger and shock and it was from me. My stupid mistakes, my idiotic decisions, and I. I'm causing him this emotion and I'm breaking his facade. Ugh, why do I have to be such a derpy mistake whom can't do nothing in his right mind to make a friend not be worried or pissed off or worse! I'm such a failure.

I took a deep breath placed a derpy, oblivious expression on my face. Act stupid Egbert, like nothing is wrong with you.

"Dave! What's the matter? I'm still me, just not me haha..." I gave him a light chuckle and tilted my head. Perfect.

Dave still gave me that look though. That same mistrustful, betrayed, hurt look. Why was he even more offended then the rest? It makes no sense! Even if be was upset, it was like his Strider honor to hide everything behind a pokerface! He shouldn't be this open ever. I know Bro, or Dirk, taught him that at least.

Cautiously stepping towards him, I poked his side, "Dave! Really what's the matter?"

Dave shrugged my hand away roughly. Standing quietly from his seat, he threw on his back pack and walked out the door yelling, "Rose, make it a letter for absence. See you at school."

It. He called me it. Not John or him or anything or actual bros. He called me it like I was a broken toy lying around, a traitor. I was an it. I was no longer John to him but it. I was a monster, somebody he couldn't trust.

"We still have approximately an hour be-" Rose cut in before the door slammed shut leaving us alone and my heart crushed. I knew this would happen. I knew it.

"John, it's alright. I'm sure he's surprised!" Jade yelled after me as I ran to my room, locking the door behind me.

-Karkat intervention POV-

I watched John dash away to his room and almost followed him until I heard him slam the door shut, probably locking it too.

I sighed, rubbing the back of my head. Fuck. Well, he probably thinks I fucking lied to him now, but how was I supposed to know that Strider would stomp out like that? That was a douche move in my opinion. He even went as far as calling Egbert an it. I know everybody felt the hurt in waves after that. Strider should have kept his fucking emotions in check. If anything, I thought he'd be the most chill of them all! I guess I was wrong, but still, Strider should have kept his head together... fuckass.

"So why are you here Karkat?"

I looked up to see Rose studying me like I was an experiment she wanted to prod and observe (I probably was).

I sighed, "It's a little bit of a story so keep your protein chutes together or I won't finish. Anyways, John sent me a message through my chumhandle last night asking for help. When I asked why, he said he was a troll. I didn't believe the fuckass and brought Kanaya in to shed light on the subject. Of course she didn't help whatsoever and told me to come over here to help John out since he was majorly panicking like a fucking wriggler. I didn't want him to pass out or hurt himself but apparently he was already hurt, just not physically. He looked like he had your human diagnostic thing of bipolar or whatever. On with the story, so I come over and I confirmed he was a troll to Kanaya and she told me to stay there and to keep an eye on him which brings us to now."

I made sure to keep out what Kanaya told me to leave out. I wasn't a total douche with a fucking codpiece up his ass thank you very much.

"That wasn't very long Karkat," Jade mused.

"Shut it Harley."

"I'm just saying Karkat, that wasn't nearly as long as you said it would be."

"I didn't say it would be really long if you would shut up for a minute! I said it was a little bit."

"It wasn't even a little bit of a story-"

Rose cleared her throat and I looked at her, " Did John tell you why he was only telling you and not us? I mean, we were the closest in proximity if he needed help at the time and you were... not."

I rolled my eyes. How incomprehensible can these two, three counting Strider, be?

"Can you really not understand at all his fucking reasons? Seriously Lalonde. Think about it real hard. If something changed your fucked up anatomy would you tell your friends who remain quite fucking judgmental because of the assmunches they are, or would you tell the one person who wouldn't give a single fuck? Seriously, it should be common knowledge."

Seeing as Lalonde wasn't going to respond, I continued, "Sometimes Lalonde you even surprise me. He was too afraid to go to you three because you might treat him differently. He was terrified that you fuckasses would leave him, ignore him, or worse, stop being his fucking friend. I hope you know why he ran to his quarters like that."

By the time I was finished, Harley was pushing her meal around her plate, not really eating it. Lalonde was obviously guilty, but pursued further.

"Was he really that fearful of confronting us?"

"If you saw the shit he did, you would be too," I muttered before saying, "he practically had a panic attack in his room about it and I guess he was right to panic. Look how you all acted. Not a single one of you came and preformed a human act of affection. Not a single one of you actually acted NORMAL and just walked up and said good morning like a normal person. You all were stunned and quite idiotic for doing what you did. You confirmed his fears. It just didn't hit him until Strider decided to blow him off. Now he's back in that gog damn room, probably upset as fucking hell and it leaves us here and me to explain why he did that."

Lalonde sat down in her chair, thinking. After a minute, she sighed and pulled her journal out along with a purple pen," Jade, would you please get a doctor's note to forge? I fear John will be hone for more than a few days." Harley nodded and ran off to gog knows where, only to return with a paper.

I eyed them as she filled out the two sheets of paper until she looked up and softly spoke, "Karkat, thank you for informing us, but I believe John needs you more than us right now. Jade and I will handle David at school, but I insist and order you to take care of John in our leaving. He seems shakened to say the least."

I nodded and headed off to the stairs.

Gog, I hope John's fucking alright in there.

\- John POV -

I'm not alright. I'm not okay. I'm beyond even average.

I was right. I was right about their reactions and now they'll leave me, like their past selves. They'll leave me alone and crazy. Ha, yeah. I said crazy, I have no doubt in my messed up mind that I am not crazy. If you would like to argue that, then I know that I'm definitely not sane. I probably would be if it wasn't for my cursed memory and the deal I made, though I don't regret it a bit.

Turning around, I locked my bedroom door. Really it was just a fumble of fingers through blurred vision to find the nib.

I stumbled to the bathroom, barely missing the corner of the door as I tripped. My vision was jumbled into a mess of confusion and nausea. I could barely make out the sink that I grasped onto. The ledge kept me secure and from falling into the room. That would've definitely alerted someone downstairs and I'd hate to do that to them. Make them worry that is. They shouldn't worry about me if they are leaving me. That would make me a nuisance, a bad memory. I rather fall to the back of their minds and just fade to the corridors of their minds. I'm not worth remembering if it makes them worry and sad.

I chew on my bottom lip with my over-sized front teeth as I shook in the room. I was shaking horribly and what's worse is that I couldn't stop it at all. I was shaking like a person whose nightmares finally came to life. In a way, that's exactly what happened mere minutes ago. Nightmares came to life and swallowed my happiness in one gulp. Well, any happiness I could sustain.

I knew exactly what I needed... and at the same time, maybe not.

Falling to the floor quietly, I opened the whitened cabinets under the sink. It was somewhere in here. I knew it was. I muttered this mantra while scattering the toiletries across the floor. Rummaging wasn't one of the things I was best at when I was in panic, but I still always managed to find what I was looking for in the first place. I needed to look for the item so I know I will find it. It was a must right now. The one thing that will help no matter how sad I was. The friends that ripped me to shreds for good reasons.

"Where are they," I murmured, "I placed them behind the... there they are."

Carefully, I pulled out the little black bag from the back of the cabinets, staring at it warily. I observed the dust that collected on it's surface and rubbed it off to expose the zipper of the container. My tears quietly subsided to hiccups as I gently pulled the zipper in the opposite direction to reveal the contents in it. It didn't take long for me to recognize the faint glimmer of reddened metal in the bag. With no hesitation, I pulled the razor out.

I promised Dave I would never do this again, didn't I? Laughing bitterly, I observed the razor for the best angle. Well, if he's leaving me, then I won't have to worry about it right? No way he would ever care about an...it.

Sitting on the edge of the bath tub, I held the cool metal in between my fingers with experience. It's ironic how this cold blade feels the exact same across my skin as Jacks sword although I like this metal a lot more. It produces pain in relief. It punishes me when others wouldn't or couldn't. It does the job that I only wish for others to do to me. Sadly, my friends are to good for me. They would never do such a thing consciously. I'm horrid to them though.

Aligning the razor to my arm, the part that is unmarked, I lightly carve in what I already know, "Bad Friend". It rightly accompanies the other words on my body like "Liar" and "Pretender" and don't forget "Coward".

I worry them now. This was never supposed to happen though. Worry. Such a pitiful emotion that helps NO ONE. It doesn't make you feel better. It's so useless! It only makes you feel worse for doing what you did, or may not have done. It's practically a guilt trip. It doesn't aid the good emotions, but the bad. It surely won't stop me from committing something more horrid than these simple reminders on my body!

I break the skin again, this time on my upper thigh. I didn't right the next word lightly. I jabbed into my skin, crimson already flowing. With twitching fingers and careful accuracy, I carved the one word that I'm shocked I haven't written yet, "Worry".

Another few minutes or so and a few more reminders are posted on my skin. Words like "Failure", "Lonely", and "Insane". In a way, it makes me feel like I am a Brother Grimm's version of Ink heart. It's so similar except I know these scars won't disappear once everything is fixed. All my pretty gray troll skin will be marked, gauged, puckered, and red. This body with smooth, durable skin, will be painted with red. Nobody will see though. I will be sure of that. Nobody will ever see these as long as I live. They will be hidden well under sleeves and jeans. I will appear normal on the outside and shredded on the in. Such pretty little skin with such horrendous reminding scars. Scars that have accompanied me for so long.

Crumbling, I slip from the bath tub to the floor and curl into a ball. Red tears escape my eyes and mix with the scars and blood that I have created anew. They merge and continue to fall albeit more heavily.

I'm so weak. I can't even face the truth, my friends, or even me! I'm pathetic, so fucking pathetic!

I nibble on my lip as I ponder this. How pathetic I am. Soon enough, I come to a conclusion that wavers it's certainty.

I suppose being pathetic is better than loneliness and death.

...Though...

Sometimes I wonder...


	7. Maybe I Screwed Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the long overdue update. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to make up some excuse that is childish and immature. All I will say is that a lot of B.S. went down the past year and I've done some awful things to myself and others. As a result, I'm not as into Homestuck as I once was. I vow to finish this one way or another though. It will happen... if it's the last thing I do.
> 
> Chapter 8 and 9 are written. Just not typed or edited. I will at least post these two before another lengthy hiatus.
> 
> So... enjoy this chapter because all of you deserve it.
> 
> Disclaimer: i do not own homestuck.

== Be the cool kid who may have acted like a douche to a REALLY GOOD BRO a while ago.

I swear to Gog. Really guys. How am I related to her? I would love some insight on this this very instant. No, you don't have a minute to think about it, I want a straight, no hesitation answer right now.

You don't know where to even start? Here, I'll fill in the blanks for what I vaguely understand.

First off, there is me, the king of cool, to this girl, who is the queen of whatever-the-fuck-she-does. See! I don't even know what she is the queen of. If we were related, I would be able to tell right off the bat just like, "hey that girl is the queen of everything badass because she's my fucking sister" but I can't do that. Nope. Not possible in anyway. It doesn't help that she is showing her negative side in this...situation I have myself in. Well, actually I kind of earned my way into this, but hey, that's not important right now.

My situation? Oh right... Since you guys are so persistent on this broad, here's the scoop.

Right now, I was currently being scolded, tortured, and bored at the same time. Like, imagine a poor innocent child being smacked by his over-reactive mother for just asking for a cookie and that's the scene you will have. A little awesome kid with shades and a record shirt being scolded by an angry mother with black lips and a angry squid shirt. Is the mental image made? Good enough.

Now that I actually think about this predicament, it's actually kind of annoying with all the shit that has been going on. I didn't really expect her to go all out and torture me with words but I guess she decided to. How was it even possible? Shit, even I didn't even know that was mentally possible until she presented me with the onslaught. The scolding thing, not the cookie thing. (I know for a fact the cookie situation can happen; been there done that) It's almost worse than Bro's surprise attacks when I'm taking a gog damn shower. Almost.

Desynchronizing your brain with words...never thought I'd see the day. I didn't even fathom the idea until Rose decided to speak to me. She tends to do that a lot...talking and mimicking and a whole mess of psychological shit.

"David, please look at me when I'm speaking."

Internally groaning, I flickered my gaze over to her stiff form. Her shoulders were tense with anger and her knuckles were white. I wouldn't be shocked if her nails were being driven into her skin right now. I wanted to ignore her. I really did want to outright avoid her, but I was the cause of this anger so I decided to play the big boy card.

Trust me, it was a really hard card to pull out.

Sighing, I looked at her, "What?"

Apparently my voice just agitated her more, "Do not 'what' me David Strider. I'm about this done with you right now." I watched as she pulled up her index finger and thumb, measuring barely a centimeter in between. I didn't let my brows rise in surprise, that would be falling towards her satisfaction of making me feel bad, which is impossible since I already do.

Still, I couldn't help my shoulders becoming stiff at her anger, preparing for anything. Shit, I made her that pissed?

She continued to eye me with contempt as the teacher's monotone drone wore on. After a while I heard her nails hit the desk obnoxiously loud. She was waiting for me to respond, to react to my slip. I should have known better. From experience, I knew she was going to do everything to rub it in my face until it was all full of guilt in shit. It was practically her style if she had one.

She continued to do this for a few minutes longer and the only reason she stopped was because I decided to react.

Resisting the urge to throw my hands in the air with exasperation, I glared back at her through my tinted shades, "Well, what would you like for me to do about it Lalonde? Huh? What do you want from me that will make you so satisfied? Do you want me to cry my eyes out or confess how utterly shitty I feel right now or what? I'm the king of fucking cool, but I can't read your mind princess."

A few kids in front of us turned around to glare at us before shaking their heads and turning back to the teacher. A few others murmured to each other before pointing at us. I ignored them and leaned on my hand so that my gaze was fully on Rose.

I could tell Rose didn't "give a single fuck" on what the others were doing from my outburst by how she was glowering at me. It was like she was trying to pick my brain apart with mental skewers so she can throw away the parts she didn't like. Well she was going to hit a dead end on the case of that happening. I'm pretty sure at least 99.9% of my brain would be tossed out because she just can't handle my cool.

...

Ha, nah, she would do it just because she wants to make me feel bad, which I already do for your information. She hasn't seemed to grasp onto that herself yet.

"I don't know Dave. Something that will change how you reacted this morning or something to aid John in his distress over your immature ourburst? I understand you get angry, as everybody does, but you went beyond fury and lost control," she leaned closer as she seethed, "That cool you held so close and dear to you was lost within a single second. Do you even realize that? No, I doubt you even do or you would have ceased your actions. You would have ceased them before the infliction was caused, but you didn't. It was shot out like a gun in a shooting."

I watched her through unblinking eyes as she vented to me. It was far from over from the looks of it.

"Oh, but where did that loose control go? Who did that anger and pain and astonishment stab in the heart? John. It was sent straight to John, Dave. It was aimed at him and he took it while you continued to throw the same daggers at the same wound over and over with no relent or remorse."

Ouch.

I stared blankly at her for a moment, dumbfounded by the realization she pointed out to me. Fuck. She was right. I knew she was. When is she not right? I mean, she practically hit the bulls-eye...like she always does. I over-reacted and gave John the cold shoulder. It was like I kicked a sick puppy to the curb without giving it one look of regret or sympathy; like kicking it to the middle of a gog damn New York street and watching in indifference as it got ran over by hundreds of little coffin-cars.

Still, this is John. He'll probably take the kicking and brush it aside like it never happened! That's what he always does. He takes it and adjusts. I bet he'll even be his derpy self once we get home. I'll probably walk in and be like "Hey Egderp" and he'll turn around with a smile and just say "hey Dave" and our broship will be repaired like it never ended in the first place.

I can bet that once we get home, he will be watching Con Air or some piece of shit like that. He'll smile at us three and ask about our days and I'll apologize and it will be like nothing ever happened. I just know that.

Letting out a forced laugh, I responded, "He'll be alright Rose."

...?

Okay, listen here. I meant what I said when I said it until I said it. Every word that rolled off my ready tongue was as certain as the fact that I'll never beat Bro in a sword strife. As certain as the verdict that I will most definitely never think smuppets or Lil Cal as anything more than some creepy bullshit my brother was into. It was that certain. Those words were true in my mind and still would be had I not known Egderp as well as I did. Had I been a gog damn stranger, I would have believed my own words myself. I know I would have.

But now... now I know it was a lie. A bald-faced lie that placed me below cool by a good degree.

When I heard those words roll off, I knew I was wrong with saying it. I mean, I have seen what the derp was capable of. I know him even more than Harley who is practically his sister. I knew my words were wrong by what I had seen him do. No, not those pranks or some shit like that. I mean an actual act that made me wish I had never witnessed it.

But, then again, if I had not been there, who knows what would have happened to him.

I remember it all to well. It's the only thing that can slice my too-cool-for-you persona in half. It's etched-n-sketched in the back of my mind and it won't go away. That sick memory of him and just...that fucking act. The cutting, slicing, and severing of his pale skin was burnt into every picture of him. The sickening crimson and his expression. The expression of lost and abrupt defeat. The look that almost made my pokerface run for its money. His posture; the way he was curled in upon himself as if he was alone.

It was just so...so screwed up! He shouldn't have been the one to have done it. In fact, he shouldn't have done it at all. He should have been happy or elated or some synonym shit similar to that, not this. Not him. Yes, ever since I could remember he had been acting like a mouse, scared of its own shadow, but to me that had been normal. I thought that was his personality. That little moment though. That moment that scurried fear through my veins showed me that it wasn't what he used to be. That he used to be much...well, better than that.

I remember it so well that I suddenly felt nausea fill me from saying the words I just did.

\- Flash back -

"Joooohn. Derpy boy. Broski. You there?" I called down the hallway, half expecting a head of disarrayed hair to pop out from one of the doors. No such thing happened of course but that would have been adorable as a fucking kitten if it did. I swear his hair needs some god damn laws of being as soft as it was. Bro doesn't know what he has.

I ran my hand through my locks in slight slight worry. So slight it was practically non-existant. No way a Strider worried, especially about a buck-toothed derp who has currently fled the scene before dinner. I was certainly not this worried you uttered. Nah, curious. Yeah, that's the word.

Normally, he would have been the first down, exploding in grins and laughs, but he hasn't come down and Jade is getting testy over it. He's lucky a bro like me is going up to get him and not his flamboyant (Rose would be proud of me right now for using such big words) sister. She would have dragged his ass with no say. I at least give him the decency of deciding whether I drag his ass down or if he preferred me carrying him down, bridal style of course.

As I neared his door, I heard nothing from his room. Nothing at all. If he was in there I would have perhaps caught the shuffling of paper and the resting of pencils, but all I could pick up on was silence. It was a little unsettling.

Then again, he had been absent since he got home from school in general. He didn't seem very happy so I kind of left him to his business. Normally I would have been all up in it, saying some shit on how it's fine or something like that to get his mind off of it, but Lalonde had to drag me to her room for some weird thing. She's been making me feel like a god damn experiment.

She's been trying to get us to remember this blank space we have in the back of our minds and I'm the guinea pig for it all. That being said, I was the last one going down for dinner and the interpreter for Jade to tell John to get his ass in gear. Knowing him, he lost himself on some Biology homework or project. For some reason he was like a fucking professional In that stuff.

Rolling my eyes, I walked up to his door. I knew which one it was by the symbol on it. We all had one. I had a gear on mine, cool red of course, Jade had a weird sign with curvy lines splitting from the symbol in a clock-wise motion, and Rose held a yellow sun. John's was easy to notice with the cerulean blue wave he placed over his. That, and it was the only door cracked open so normally it would be his. He's probably planning a prank.

I tsked softly at the sadly cracked open door with a smirk heavily on my lips. You should know better than to forget something like that Egderp.

Using speed and the irony of trying to squeeze through a door, I quickly entered the room. Everything was eerily quiet. It was almost unnerving. Almost.

Observing the room, I wanted to smile at how messy John's room was. Normally, he held things tidy, "things in there place" you know, but it was like a giant came in here, walked around, got confused, threw a fit resulting in everything hitting the fan, and then walked out. It was that messy though his horrible movie posters still hung proud and untouched. They mocked me from the corner they were at. I still don't know what John saw in those things. The movies were pretty damn awful, but whatever floats his boat.

Shaking my head, I turned my head to observe the other half of the room.

The bathroom door was closed, though the light was on. Of course. Egbert was hiding in the safety of his bathroom so he wouldn't have to face my fucking beautiful face. Though, it's still weird for him to be even doing that. I mean, he usually just sits on his bed and watches for my reaction so he could laugh or whatever a derp does when amused.

I still don't know if they chortle, laugh, or giggle (I have spent hours on this topic and have come up with nothing). All I know is that they are a species obviously known as the Egberts and even though they are nerdy looking, they can be deceiving. They are a rare species from what I can gather since there is rarely any mate that can relinquish their pranking habits. Their habitats consists of a prank-filled, Betty Crocker banned land known as Home. You rarely see them in action of their pranks, but you definitely experience it.

Off-topic Dave. Stay on fucking topic.

I shook my head slightly and leaned on one leg.

Anyways, back to my ironic observing skills.

Glancing about the small, messy room, I looked immediately at the corners. I bet he has cameras. Something to record my downfall. That would be an upgrade. He would probably upload it to youtube or some shit just for giggles and laughs. I wouldn't be shocked if I found a red dot trained on my sweet ass right now to be honest if that were the case.

I didn't see any of that either though. This was getting a little weird. I mean, if this was a prank, then I would be a goner by now right? He better not have outdid me on this factor. I observed every nook and cranny for something before looking at the door I just squeezed through with full irony.

Well, all of this would be the case had there been a gambit of pranks actually on the door.

Instead, there was nothing. Almost like he passed up the chance to prank me.

That wasn't like John at all. He took every advantage to prank us. Every. Single. Fucking. One.

Furrowing my brows behind my shades, I looked around the room for the prankster in speaking before remembering he was in the bathroom. I smirked a little though it was turning more so into a frown. What was up with Egbert? Normally, if he was in the bathroom, he would be out by now. No shower was running nor was there any sink that was dripping. It was just silence.

...

To be honest, that scared me a hell of a lot more than noise.

Walking to the door, I casually leaned on its surface to listen in. As before, nothing. I couldn't even hear any withdraw of breath nor a single hiccup of a cry from the room. Is he even in there or is he playing an actual joke? Maybe he actually is already eating downstairs with the others and I'm being overly paranoid. Maybe he's perfectly fine. Maybe my instincts are just being idiots and going all haywire.

I scoffed quietly, reaching to the knob.

Fuck it. A Strider's instincts are never wrong; this situation stirred uneasiness and I'm going to believe that something is wrong. I would rather check to be sure than to brush it aside.

Though... that would be his forte. He would set me off guard so that the real prank gets shown. It would definitely be a level up his usual if that were the case.

No. Remember what Bro always said Dave. He said to always trust a Strider feeling, even a small one. It may be the one thing that keeps you alive.

Or in this case, another person.

I gripped the cold door knob in my hand, prepared to open it to a surprised Egderp. I mean, yeah, that is what's going to happen. I was overly paranoid and he's just going to be observing his laptop or some shit and then BAM I come in and he would probably jump like a foot in the air. It was all planned out. Opening the door, scaring the shit out of the derp, tackling him, and then finally walking away like nothing happened at all, carrying the nerd in my arms like some cliché movie. It would be worth it.

I would be a boss, a ninja master preparing the onslaught of a enemy who has done wrong. I would be the bad ass black ninja that would swoop in and strife with him until he falls to the ground, helpless and begging for mercy. Do I give him that mercy? No, no I don't. He has done horrible deeds and shall be punished. Yes, that would be me. A cool-as-hell kid in the day and a ninja at night, conversions and shit.

First mission, silently creep through the door.

Being as quiet as possible, I open the door. Once it's barely out of the little nook, I let go and use my index finger to push it all the way open.

...

What the fuck.

What the actual fuck.

I could feel my lungs constrict as I saw the scene before me.

No. No no no.

Fuck fuck fuck.

This cannot be happening.

"What the fuck are you doing to yourself John?" I push out of my stiff lungs. I felt as if I couldn't breathe. All the carmine was starting to put me on edge. No matter how much I tried, my eyes wouldn't move away from the crimson dots splattering his outfit and the white tile floor.

John. Happy-go-lucky John Egbert, who pranks, who laughs, who is possibly the happiest person on this planet, was pulling...

No.

Even as I observed where the scarlet was coming from...even as I saw every little aspect in hyperactive colors and speeds...even as my breath quickened at the sight, I couldn't move. It was as if I was glued to the fucking floor. I know it was me. I knew it was my will that was causing this stillness of my limbs. After all, that's what normally happens with this shit. This was how I reacted. I didn't jump or move quickly or get nervous, I just stopped moving altogether. Something in the back of my mind always tugged at my conscious when I saw things like this. A little cut or a large gash always made me freeze. The only hints I would get would be milliseconds worth of images. One showing a man with a sword stuck within him and one of an orange bird-human hybrid.

After a minute, I shook myself out of my trance and started to move a little. I was watching John, watching for his reaction and watching for a sign that said this was an accident; that this wasn't what I thought it was.

I didn't get an answer though. The boy that currently sat on the edge of a bathtub, wielding a bloodied razor didn't answer. His lips were sealed and his eyes just stared at me, empty and not seeing. The blue-eyed derp who held "No one", "Murderer", and "Screw up" carved into his arms like running tattoo's didn't reply.

How else was I supposed to describe this to you? My BEST BRO was cutting himself up to pieces in front of my fucking EYES and I wasn't doing anything. My friend, my only fucking friend, is staring blankly at everything and his shredded arms and thighs, getting paler as I watched him each second.

Wait a second.

Wait a gog damn second.

Why wasn't I actually doing something?

Quickening my current speed, I dash to the sink, ducking to reach into the cabinets. I needed to obtain the necessities. I always kept them. Every single bathroom has these thanks to me. I don't know why but a little voice said to. That, and because I used to fight with Bro a lot and had to bandage myself after everything went down. Bandages, rubbing alcohol, wash cloths, water, and non-shaky hands. Those were the necessities. The Strider Medical Kit.

Going over to John, I avoided his eyes and gently tugged him down to the floor. I didn't want him to faint and hit his head on the faucet or something like that. For one, Harley and Rose would hear the noise and all this would hit the fan. Another, well, that would probably make this a lot worse than it really needs to be. I mean, he's already fucking BLEEDING. A concussion adding to that wouldn't leave to a good result; I should know.

I tried so hard to avoid his wounds. I attempted to just un-focus on them so I just see the blurred red, but I couldn't do that. It's like my mind just said, "Hey look, it's your freak colored eyes coming out of you BEST FRIENDS SKIN. How about we focus on it so it's in high-definition and you can see every little detail possible?"

The words were endless.

They were all over. How about this, it was hard to find a spot that wasn't marked by his inflictions. I could find a little patch here or a little spot there, but that was it. It's like he was a freak version of Picasso or something like that. It was that screwed up. Vertical, horizontal, curved, diagonal, it didn't really matter. They were all there. They all decorated his paling skin with reminders that will never leave him or I.

But...How could he have resorted to this?! This means that he was pretending and faking for our sakes. He has been putting up a facade that I have been too dim to even realize. Some friend I claim to be. Had I been a good friend like I say I am, I would have immediately sensed the difference and confronted him. I would have noticed it just a tad bit sooner than I should have and could have prevented this act. I mean, how long has this even been going on? Weeks? Months? Years even? How many worded scars cloud his pale body and stick out like my own irises? On the outside I was calm (glasses slightly askew and hair a little out of place), but right now I was not. Far from it. I was freaking out or "flipping my shit" as Vantas would say in this given situation.

Maybe I should get Rose. She would know what to do-

No I can't do that.

I'm not stupid, even though I just fancied that thought. John would freak out if the others knew. He would over think things and maybe even have a panic attack which would not be good in this case. A panic attack would run the blood faster and, therefore, make him bleed even more so than before. It's obvious he doesn't want anybody else to know, including myself.

Being his bro palhoncho, I'll keep it a secret until he says otherwise. Or... until it gets worse, which I hope to god it does not. This would be a temporary secret. I mean, even I have my fair share of secrets I want to stay hidden from prying eyes.

Well...damn, ain't I a good friend?

I immediately slapped myself out of that feeling. There is no time to be praising yourself. At least, not now.

Wounds. Think about the wounds. They are still bleeding vibrantly and you aren't doing a damn thing right now. Get a rag. Soak it in the warm water. Pour some rubbing alcohol on it as well. Place it on the word until it bleeds through and repeat the process. That is the best method for now, or at least that is what my mind could conjure in this shock. I was so absorbed in this that I didn't even notice his eyes readjusting to the scenery and realizing what was happening. I didn't even know he was...well alive, until I actually heard his cracked and tiny voice.

"D-dave? Wh-Wha-?"

Like a one of those letter magnets to a fridge, I averted my gaze to John. His face was almost feverish with the sweat that glistened on his skin and waxy to the touch. His eyes full of fear and dull with worry and the will to recede to the deepest corridors of his mind. He feared me and what I might do to him. He was wary and it actually killed me to see his face not lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July. I don't know why, but perhaps it's because he was kind of the beacon of light in this little screwed up world we live in. He was my bro, but he was also like an anchor to not floating to insanity from all of this trauma and sickness.

He refused to touch me. He even tried to move his hands away from my curing ones once he realized what I was doing. He didn't make contact with either his eyes nor his body, but I could tell just from his language that he thought I was going to hurt him. He thought I was going to traumatize him and curled in upon himself. The only way I still cured his wounds now was by firmly holding him still and leaning in until he couldn't move away. It was like cornering an animal. I felt sick to my stomach and no matter how much I reassured myself this was going to be alright, I knew it wasn't. Things wouldn't be the same between John and I.

But that thought can be processed another day.

"Why did you do it?" I murmured. It was honestly an open question, half to myself and half to him.

"Do what?" He whispered shakily.

"Seriously John? 'Do what'? You want to know what I mean? I mean these John," I raised one of his arms in my hand, realizing with nausea how skinny and malnourished his skinny arms looked. I shook my head and pointed to each scar, "These gog damn marks on your skin. Why did you do this to yourself John? Why this fuck did you even consider this? Do you even realize how much this could hurt you, hurt others? Why? I don't understand what caused you to do this. Was it that I was being a horrible bro? Are there bullies at school that are bothering you? Is there something you're not telling me John? If it's me, or Rose or Jade, we can change John, but we need to know what caused this."

"N-No," he mumbled brokenly, "n-not your fault...nobodies fault...my fault...always my fault..."

"No. John, don't think that. Do you want to know the truth? This actually scares me John. I need you to stop thinking that way. Nothing is your fault. Nothing is ever your fault," I pleaded, lowering his arm to his side once more.

John shook his head, face blank and obviously ashamed, "My fault you are sad...my fault that things are not alright...always my fault...screw up...I can't do anything right...I-I can't make anybody happy". His eyes were droopy and sad. Tears welled in the corners and I knew he was going to get really upset in a minute. I didn't want him to get like that though! I never did! I just wanted to understand which is so very fucking hard when red words are attracting my attention at every syllable I stutter out.

"Why did you do this John? I promise not to get mad. Bro to bro companionship remember? Nothing will escape these lips to anyone," I whispered to his shaking form.

"I-I-" John stuttered, tears coming from his eyes.

Ah shit.

I didn't think for even a second.

With no hesitation, I pulled John into a hug. This wasn't an ironic hug either. This was a true bro to bro hug, a palhancho affection party, a full-on Hallmark moment of a friend comforting a friend that should be on a gog damn holiday card saying "Get well", "My best wishes", or even "hey, it's going to be mother-fucking alright, bro".

It didn't take long for him to comply and hug me back, harder than I initiated at first. His face was buried into my shirt, but I didn't even bothering thinking of the stain, or chest how wet my shirt was getting. His hands were clutching my shirt in fistfuls, but I didn't even fathom the idea as to it getting wrinkled or stretched. I didn't think about how awkward this is or how worried Rose and Jade might be right now. I just concentrated on John like a friend should do in this case.

I could feel my body reacting to his broken-record sobs as he shed tears onto my white shirt. I could see his head on my chest, shaking from the sobs wracking his body. My mouth might have dropped. His hands clutched at my shirt with a death-like grip. I might have clutched back just as hard. His voice produced various apologies like a scratched record on repeat. My teeth might have clenched as I possibly hugged him harder. All of these changes were happening to show just how much John actually meant to me, which shocked me a little. Nonetheless, I still held him like the world was going to end.

Sap? Psh...No that's not me. Strider's are never anything related to a class as that. We are ninjas, the Kings of Cool, but we aren't saps. We don't cry in soap operas or eat ice cream when our boy/girlfriends break up with us. We are the leaders of anything unexplainable. We are those people you would die to just talk to or even look at. Face it, we are like the polar opposites of saps. What gave you the idea of otherwise? You obviously don't know me as much as you thought you did if you thought I was one to begin with.

Ha, who am I kidding? This dork has reduced me to nothing but gel in his broken hands. I am his to mold and I guess I had it coming when I found him like this; shattered to pieces and painted red. Even as snot ran down his nose and his head hung low with every negative emotion possible in this world, I still held him like we were the last to people on Earth. His arms still bled , albeit slower, and he was getting paler yet I couldn't move a muscle to bandage them. He was turning into a ghost before my eyes and I didn't want to move at all.

But I am the only one who will fix him, right?

Sighing under my breath, I pushed him a little further away so that I could wrap his wounds in clean bandages. I started that whole process again and was about to just remain silent when a thought hit me.

Now is the time to put irony aside and actually do something nice and intentional. I need to do something that will scare the shadows away only to reveal the light in his face.

Shit, I can't remember the last time I actually sang though. Fuck. Maybe years ago? It was some ironic youtube face in between rap offs and photography. What did I even sing then? Some stupid song I never actually released to the Tubes.

How did it go?

I wracked my brain for a bit before finally settling on the lyrics. Okay. This should work. This should help him. If it doesn't, I don't know what will to be honest besides food or something.

Taking a deep breath, I concentrated on his scratches as I began.

"Hold on, what's the rush, what's the rush?  
We're not done are we?  
Cause I don't need to change this,  
atmosphere we've made if,  
You can stay one more hour.  
Can you stay one more hour?

You know I'm going to find a way  
to let you have your way with me  
You know I'm going to find a time  
to catch your hand and make you...  
...

Stay."

I peeked up to John's face and smiled a little when I saw John raise his head. He wasn't crying anymore. Score.

"Hold on, I'll be here when it's,  
all done you know.  
Cause what's the point in chasing,  
if I can't enjoy your face and  
We can't be wrong tonight.  
Can we be wrong tonight?

You know I'm going to find a way  
to let you have your way with me.  
You know I'm going to find the time  
to catch your hand and make you stay.  
I don't care what clothes you wear,  
it's time to love and I don't care.  
You know I'm going to find a way  
to let you have your way with me.

And if I way running,  
you'd be the one who I would be running to.  
And if I was crying,  
you would be lining the cloud that would pull me through.  
And if I was scared,  
then I would be glad to tell you and walk away.  
But I am not lying,  
I am just trying to find a way into you."

By this point, John was smiling. No pretense smiles either. This was a full 100% legit smile. No buck teeth showing yet, but they were getting there.

"You know I'm going to find a way  
to let you have your way with me.  
You know I'm going to find the time  
to catch your hand and make you stay.  
I don't care what clothes you wear,  
it's time to love and I don't care.  
You know I'm going to find a way  
to let you have your way with me.

And if I was running...  
And if I was crying...  
And if I was scared...

You know I'm going to find a way  
to let you have your way with...

Me..."

By the time the last note drifted off to nothingness, both of Egbert's arms were bandaged and he was looking at me. No, not some half-dazed peek. I know a look when I get one. I mean one of those observing ones that you are just dying to know what the thinker was thinking. Not a glance or a peek, but an actual gaze.

Shifting a little, I watched as he tilted his head a little. He looked a little shocked by what just happened. I chuckled at the thought. I bet he didn't now I didn't just rap. I normally don't sing per say but sometimes I experiment.

"Did you write that?"

I nodded silently.

John nodded, wondering about something, "It was really good! Is it for somebody special?"

I hesitated before nodding again.

Nodding again, John sat back and rubbed his bandaged arms. He crossed his legs and placed his hands on his crossed ankles to observe me further. I felt like I was being scrutinized and immediately fixed my hair and glasses. He giggled and continued to look at me. He didn't look unhappy or depressed like five minutes ago. He was like he always was. Was that just a phase before? I hope so. I don't want to see that lonely as fuck look again. Not anymore.

"Dave Strider, you are still a mystery to me! Still, I bet whoever the song is for is really lucky to have you then," and then he smiled. He fucking smiled like he actually was really happy for me.

Smiling a little smile of my own, I tilted my head and poked John square in the forehead, "Yeah. Yeah they are."

-End Flashback-

"Strider, you do know it is considered rude in common courtesy to ignore one who is speaking to you," Rose commented and I rolled my eyes, fully out of my memory stupor.

"Yeah, but we both know that it is complete bullshit and pardoned when it pertains to you," I muttered, turning my head to look at her.

I didn't mean for my tone to sound so bitter, but I was still feeling the leftover emotions from the memory. The anger and confusion and sadness. It was a mixed ball of distaste that didn't cease to reflect in my words.

She raised her brow at me, arms crossed, "is there something your not telling me, Dave? I'm already quite cross with you already do feel free to mention anything. It's not if you have anything worse to tell, do you?"

Worse? Yeah I have worse. I have a million things worse than this, but I'm sure you wouldn't want to hear it. John would be in the spotlight and god knows he does not need that right now, despite my own sour resentment.

So I lied, as I always do when things turn out wrong.

I shook my head, staring ahead at the bore of a teacher. He appeared to be murmuring the incantations for the methods and formulas like I honestly gave a damn. I knew that these kids were curious about this subject, but I see no point really. At least, not now when other things are on my mind.

Rose knew me well enough to drop the subject when I did this, but she seemed quite adamant on defying that this time. Lucky me.

"I advise you to apologize to John when we get home. The stunt you pulled this morning was definitely a careless gesture on your part. You should have seen how broken he looked - how absolutely shattered he appeared to be."

I know I thought sadly you don't have to rub it in!

I met her eyes for a moment before looking away. I saw the accusation and I don't know, I suppose I stood up and defended myself. Even if it was the wrong thing to do and even if I said the wrong things. The words that was practically an invitation for her words to slash me open like a knife.

"But it isn't him Rose! He's one of them now. His skin is gray, his scleras are yellow. I mean, shit Rose! I wouldn't be shocked if he moved to Alternia with the others or something like that. You saw him Rose. You saw his change. How can you react so calmly to that?"

Rose's cooled down gaze heated up in an instant at my words, "How can I remain calm? Are you really asking me this? How about, how can you react to selfish? Yes, he's changed appearances, but are you really assuming he changed emotionally as well? Are you assuming that your cold words and stoic movements won't affect him? Forgive me, but are you really that stupid? He's still John. Dave. He is still our good-natured friend who is quite susceptible to everything around him. He has feelings and a heart. I know for a fact how much you harmed him. Would you like to know?

"I was there after you left and for a few seconds I saw his walls fall. He was about to cry, Dave. He ran to his room and locked it. Would you like to know who was the ONLY person to actually give a fuck about his well-being besides Jade and I? It was Karkat. He too the time to explain everthing and actually lectured us for our ignorance. He knew how John felt and he cared for him. Unless you are pulling your all-too-famous poker-face stunts, I don't see you caring for him. You say you are his friend, but are you really?"

I let it soak in, slightly slumping into my chair. Sighing, I turned to Rose and watched her uncoil slowly from the onslaught.

"I didn't mean to act the way I did at home Rose. I didn't mean to let my mind slip. It just... happened..."

Rose deflated, "I know, Dave. I just wish it just happened differently. John is distraught and who knows what is happening. I just hope Karkat can help..."

No words were expressed after that. It wasn't a comfortable silence, but it wasn't one we wanted to break out of foolish pride.

It was around the time when the bell rang. It being fourth period already, we just headed to lunch.

I didn't normally eat the lunch food so I sat down at the lunch table, pulling out a bottle of apple juice and a bag of cheesy Doritos. Opening that little bag was like openiing the golden gates of heaven. It was so majestic that my mouth watered and salvated at the site of such glory. Reaching into the bag, I grabbed a dorito on top. I was about to place the thing in my mouth when a sharp pain in my arm made me drop it. I watched in tearful agony as the one-of-a-kind dorito fell to the floor only to get crushed by stink-filled feet.

Rubbing my arm, I turned to whoever pinched me. I wasn't surprised when I saw Jade giving me a glare. Great. Two pissed off females. Now it's a fucking party.

I didn't bother asking why she did it, I mean, I just got done with the same talk with Rose. I'm not gonna repeat myself. That would only make Rose reheat her words and gog knows I have had enough of those for a day.

So what do I do?

I ignore her for a moment, fishing out another dorito in the process.

Not a good idea I soon found out.

Jade turned to me, fully aware of my ignorance and growled. Like she physically growled at me. The fuck was up with that? So I tuurned to look at her.

"Yes, Harley?" I spoke sarcastically. She narrowed her eyes at me with anger. After a minute, she sighed.

"I guess Rose got to you first then? I mean, I could tell that you knew that's wrong," Jade asked anger still in her eyes but not as vivid as before.

These two. I swear they are acting as if I have not the inkling of a moral compass.

"Yes, David and I held a... feeling jams session if you will," Rose replied as I opened my mouth. Glaring at her, I took a bit of my dorito and sulked silently.

I knew Jade. She wasn't going to let me slide with a few words from Rose. Knowing her, she's going to place her own two-cents in there as well. Twisting the knife in the process much like I did... to John but a lot less painful.

"Okay, but Dave. Didn't you even consider how much you would hurt him? It was like if you shot Bec in front of my eyes! I mean he was crying-"

Keep calm Dave. You just talked to Rose about this. You're perfectly fine. Cool as a fucking cucumber.

"-really hard. I think he believes you hate him! I just don't know what caused-"

Let her finish and give a cool answer. Don't let it crack the surface.

"-you to act that way! That was awful and you should apologize to him super hard when we get home. That wasn't cool at all, Mr. Cool Kid."

Fuck it.

"I know Jade! Really. I do know. I didn't mean to act the way I did you know. I was pissed off and shocked and I just acted without thinking. It was just one gigantic fuck-up, alright? Everybody has one of those and I really don't see how I can't be in that group."

Jade's eyes widened before returning to their normal size. I didn't normally go into an outburst so I guess I see why she was so shocked.

Rose took this time to prepare her round of advice.

"Yes, so you say, but why would you be so uncollected at a time of surprise when you have gone through much worse? Events like your Bro going missing-"

"Rose, don't-" I interjected.

"-as well as our state of resources, our lack of money or memory, or even the friends on Alternia we don't even remember even having met. It's almost like-"

"Rose-"

"-John's change affected you harder than all those things combined. Almost like you feel non-platonic feelings for you, and I quote, 'Palhancho'-"

"Stop-"

"As in another quadrant. I can rule out auspitice and kismesis due to your guilt-ridden objectives so that only leaves two. Dave, a morail won't get that upset-"

"Quit it-"

"-over such trivial knowledge. That only leaves-"

"Rose." I deadpanned, glaring at her. She smirked at me, finally resorting to silence.

She got her message through and she knew it. That satisfied her for now I guess.

I could tell she wanted me to break. That was her goal. But get serious. Me having feelings with that derp? It's like one of those high school personas where the cool kid falls in love with the nerd. That's too cliche for a Strider. It's not even ironic! It's the opposite of irony. It's... it's not ironic. Nope. Fuck that.

The wheels in my head spun briefly, considering it despite my earlier denials.

...Though, as much as I'd hate to admit it, she did have a good point. I can't be in a kismesis quadrant without feeling utterly shitty about doing anything to him. Right now we are technically moirails, but this is something more. I don't know, how, but it is. As for auspitice... yeah, that's just not possible. That only leaves one quadrant.

...But that's not even possible either.

Yes, I notice his moods. Yes,I notice every smile and frown he gives. Yes, I might notice his change in attire, but still! That's nothing.

...

The crash I got was almost as surprising as adding one and one and getting four-hundred and thirteen.

Shit, I have the hots for the Egderp.

"Have you come to a conclusion brother dear?" Rose inquired.

"No," I lied.

"Are you positive borhter dear," she questioned again, a smirk laced through her features like a cat watching prey.

"Yes, Rose, I am," I replied, rolling my eyes. Lies were starting to build.

"But are you sur-" she was interrupted by the bell that issued lunch being over. Thank gog for that. Now I can keep saved by the bell as an actual saver.

"Dave-"

"Gotta go Rose!" I shouted, practically speed-walking down the halls to study hall. It was my free period which I'm glad for. Maybe I can apologize to the derp. I do owe him that at least. If I do have the hots for him, the first step to getting him would be an apology.

I barely make it to the class before the tardy bell rings. The teacher glares at me briefly before shaking her head and letting me sit down in my usual seat.

Sitting in my chair, back corner where the teacher never looks, I pulled out my phone and turned the volume low. I should be good from here on out. My next two classes are English, which we are watching this movie on Jane Eyre or whatever, and then chemistry, which is a make-up day. No, not that ironic girly shit, but a retake thing. Since I'm such a fucking cool kid, I don't have to do any of that. This gives me an hour plus to not screw things up and to smooth the creases.

Tapping pesterchum, I sigh in relief at the sight of John being on.

-turntechGodhead [TG] hsa begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:47-

TG: john?  
TG: johnny boy?  
TG: hey  
TG: hey john  
TG: please get on  
TG: i need to say something  
TG: shit that sounded sappy  
TG: but listen  
TG: yo have to get on so I can explain  
TG: ...  
TG: ill rap john  
TG: i really will  
TG: i know how much you swoon at my divine raps  
TG: seated and blurred like shit in the trash  
TG: looking for ladders of words for the rash  
TG: hes beaten and tied down of a blown up bash  
TG: raped by the words for a little cash  
TG: sold and scattered like a slave  
TG: trialed at acts he couldnt behave  
TG: but hes buried and bitter from the lash  
TG: angered by words from the mash  
TG: unable to run, to get down and dash  
TG: hes tied to the trash from an endless gash  
TG: john come on  
TG: please  
TG: look, im begging you on my knees john  
TG: and i dont beg  
TG: you have to get on  
EB: huh?  
EB: oh shit Dave!  
EB: i am sorry!  
EB: i was...  
EB: sleeping  
TG: look john, im sorry  
TG: i blew up in your face  
TG: left you and shit  
TG: i didnt mean to actually do that  
TG: it just  
EB: happened?  
EB: yeah that seems to happen a lot  
EB: it is okay Dave  
EB: i know you hate me  
EB: it is okay to hate a  
EB: thing  
TG: that's the thing though john  
TG: i don't hate you  
TG: your my palhancho  
TG: my bro  
TG: my only bro  
EB: you are just saying that  
EB: rose talked to you I bet  
EB: i know you're lying  
TG: john  
TG: john no  
TG: your not doing this shit  
TG: im not doing this shit  
TG: yes rose fuckin talked to me  
TG: but she didnt tell me to do this  
TG: im doing this  
TG: im talking to you because of my douche actions from this morning  
TG: im not lying  
EB: ...  
EB: you still think I am an it though  
EB: and I am  
EB: maybe it is better i I leave you three  
EB: you jade and rose  
TG: john no  
TG: it would not be better  
TG: it would be worse  
TG: how in gogs name do you think its better?  
TG: it may not look like it  
TG: but i actually depend on you. you fucking keep things from hitting the fan  
TG: if your gone  
TG: then im gone too  
EB: dave no  
TG: john yes  
TG: im not going to let you leave  
TG: i you are leaving than I'm going with you  
TG: you have no say in this john  
EB: god dammit Dave  
EB: you were not supposed to do this  
EB: you were supposed to let me go  
EB: say fuck you  
EB: i don't know  
EB: but not this  
EB: why are you making this so hard?  
TG: because im your bro  
TG: and you dont leave a fucking bro hanging  
TG: wherever you go  
TG: ill be with you  
EB: no Dave  
EB: you have to stay with Rose and Jade  
EB: they need you more than me!  
TG: don't give me that BS john  
TG: that's a flat out like and you know it  
TG: i know you remember that one time  
TG: how can you say that they need me more than you when that is in mind?  
EB: ...  
TG: im not going to leave you  
TG: im like you knight in shining armor  
TG: protecting you and shit  
TG: so john  
TG: are you still leaving  
EB: ...  
EB: ...  
EB: ... no  
TG: thanks john  
TG: fuck  
TG: i still need to tell you something  
TG: dunno how you will react  
TG: but i need to say it  
TG: ...  
TG: fuck how do you say these things  
EB: dave?  
TG: listen john  
TG: these words coming from my mouth are legit  
TG: so believe them  
TG: but out of all the people i have met  
TG: boy, girl, troll, thing  
TG: i

-turntechGodhead has ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 1:18-

Shit! I sent it without finishing my sentence! Damn phone.

Grumbling, I stuff my phone in my pocket as I see the teacher coming up to me. Just to top off my day with a cherry.

"Mr. Strider, I'd advise you to keep your phone off and up from now on."

Glancing up at ms. what-the-fuck-was-her-name, I nod, though I really didn't give a fuck. I could never remember her name nor would I like to.

I saw a shadow appear behind the teacher and I was about to speak about it, but resorted to just raising a brow and suppressing a groan at the familiar silhouette.

"Can my brother go to English now miss? I wouldn't want him to be late from a teacher who rarely keeps an eye on her students."

I looked to the left and noticed Rose, as predicted, holding her spirals and a black smirk on her lips. Oh, right, I had the next period with her...

Just my loving luck.

The teacher observed Rose for a second before walking away. Sighing, I glared at the real demon of the equation.

"So how do I have the pleasure of walking with you."

"Oh, just wondering if you figured out your acute feelings brother dearest. I mean, you did practically run from me as I questioned you further. Do you have a conclusion for me to obtain yet?"

I packed my folders into my back pack and swung it on, making sure it was on right and not unzipped, "No Rose, I didn't even fathom a conclusion. Can we drop it and go to class? I actually like my next teacher."

She pursed her lips but nodded as we headed off. I knew the topic was not over, but the sooner we get to class, the sooner I could talk to John.

Even by running, Rose and I barely made it to class on time. I wasn't out of breath like most teenagers who rush in, but I still got attention as well as Rose. The teacher-turned her head and rolled her eyes, turning back to her seat," Right on time as always Mr. Strider, though this is a first for you Lalonde."

"Yes, it seemed I had to... obtain something that took longer than thought," she replied, eying me with a sly grin. I shuddered and walked to my seat in the back. Ms. Cool (her nickname by me) turned on the movie. As the credits rolled by for the beginning, I pulled out my phone. Looking at pesterchum, I cursed under my breath. I knew something would backfire when I talked to him. Every message I scrolled through ripped me to shreds.

-turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 1:18-

EB: dave?  
EV: dave you what?  
EB: do you hate me?  
EB: ...  
EB: it's okay... i hate me too  
EB: please get on  
EB: dave please  
EB: you don't leave a friend hanging  
EB: ...  
EB: was this your goodbye then? to me?  
EB: a final apology and prank?  
EB: well...  
EB: you fooled me Dave!  
EB: you got me good...  
EB: ...  
EB: won't you get on  
EB: i am actually scared Dave  
EB: and I need someone  
EB: it figures the time i need you most your not around  
EB: ...  
EB: well dave  
EB: i am glad we are bros  
EB: ...  
EB: were  
EB: i guess it was a matter of time before I had to let you go...  
EB: again...  
EB: goodbye dave  
EB: and thanks for being my bro  
EB: my only one  
EB: ...

-ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turnteachGodhead [TG] at 1:25-  
-ectoBiologist [EB] changed it's status to offline-

Fuck.

I slumped in my chair and stared blankly at the memo. Since he's offline, he will never see what I post. Once I leave this chat, this conversation will be terminated. Nobody will view it.

...

It's not going to hurt to put it out there. Besides, it probably more productive than watching this boring movie.

-turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 1:47-

TG: hey john  
TG: i know your not going to see this  
TG: shit, even i wont see it after i leave  
TG: but i was trying to tell you something  
TG: and got distracted  
TG: you got it wrong  
TG: like you sometimes tend to do in your derpy antics  
TG: i dont hate you  
TG: i never have  
TG: but its alright john  
TG: ill prove it to you  
TG: ill comfort you when you cry  
TG: and hold you when your weak  
TG: and fight off your demons when your scared  
TG: ill be your loyal bodyguard  
TG: just give me a minute  
TG: and ill be your knight of time  
TG: so john  
TG: until that moment arrives  
TG: ill be your bro  
TG: the best fucking bro i can be  
TG: dont leave just yet  
TG: because  
TG: ...  
TG: you know what  
TG: no  
TG: ill tell you this in person

-turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 2:26 -

Can't believe it took me 40 minutes to write some shit he'll never see. I mean, seriously, its gone now but class is almost over. Fuck. Well, now all I have to do is get home to apologize further.

The rest of the school day passed like a blur. It felt like mere seconds after the last thought appeared, the last bell rang. I didn't waste a second to get going. I grabbed my bag and dashed to the cheap, used car we had. It was nothing but a rusty box on wheels, but it works. Beggers can't be choosers.

I tugged on the door and watched in annoyance as it threatened to fall off.

Almost. It almost works.

I sighed as the vehicle groaned at me getting into it. Fucking thing should be grateful to have a guy this cool sitting on its seats. I shifted slightly in the uncomfortable seating before settling in my usual spot. Throwing my backpack into the back seat, I placed the key into the ignition and waited for the damn thing to roar to life. Once it did, I sat in the seat and scrolled through the radio stations this thing did pick up.

Minutes passed and no sign of the broad or Jade. Being the awesome guy I am, I wasn't anxious, but I sure felt close to it.

Hurry up Rose and Jade. Seriously. I don't have all fucking day here.

Almost like a miracle, I spotted a pair of familiar clothing in the crowd of students running from the school to get home.

Within a few minutes, Rose and Jade were dashing across the street. Harley held a worried gaze on her face while Rose held a more passive expression. I could tell I wasn't the only one that wanted to see John right now though my reasons were more personal.

Once they were in, I didn't see if they were buckled in before speeding off. I stayed within the speed limit, but just barely. I could feel Jade's nails digging into my seat and I looked back at her.

"What if John isn't alright Dave... Rose?"

I looked over at Rose and pictured John leaving. Shaking my head, I turned to the road again, knuckled bleaching but face and voice composed, "He's alright Jade. Trust me. You, Rose, and I know John and he'll be alright."

"Dave-"

"He'll be alright Jade.. I promise you that much at least."

All was silent after that. I mean, what could you say really? Make that frown upside frown because Ebgert won't leave town? Don't cry my friend because it's not his end? Smile at me because he'll smile too you see? There is no rap to save this silence nor any song to console it. To be honest, we were okay with it I guess. Silence and fog. Shit, I'm starting to sound gog damn psychological like Rose. This isn't good for me. It'll permanently stain my record.

At least the silence didn't last too long.

We didn't live far from the school. We were fairly close though it felt like an eternity before we pulled into the driveway.

Dashing out, I waited to see Rose and Jade walk out before grabbing my bag. I locked the doors and went to the front door, reaching it first. When I opened it, Vantas was standing their with an angered as fuck look on his face. It was like staring at a pissed off kitten to be blunt, but it was still kind of weird for him to be this furious. And what's worse. It appeared to be pointing straight at me. Lovely. Was it freaking time of the month or some shit for everyone?

I saw a blur and then caught myself on the door. My vision was blurred briefly but I shook the deficiency out.

"Dave!"

"Karkat?!"

I rubbed my cheek and sighed.

Ow.

Took me three seconds to notice my face was forced to the left.

Two seconds to feel the pain.

One second to realize I've been punched.


	8. Carmine Is Foe Deception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, hey guys. I originally was going to end this series. You know, discontinue it. It crossed my mind because so much school B.S. and real life B.S. has occurred. That being said, I decided to give it another go. First of all, the update spurred some past mirth in this fandom. That was a small portion though compared to the other aspect that has motivated me now to post this.
> 
> You all. The readers. I will say the last I updated was in... what, August? Something like that? I didn't expect anyone to actually read this shit and favorite it or follow it or even review for fucks sake. I didn't expect any of that and the fact that some of you have done that, it left me speechless. I was certain there were more fascinating stories than my own because I am utterly shit at writing, but I am grateful for you guys.
> 
> Look at me being a sap to you guys. I'm the sappiest, cheesiest dork in the history of cliches after all.
> 
> Well, I will try for a chapter 9 because gog knows you all deserve it. I'll try but I seriously can't promise anything. I might go back and adjust those first few Karkat chapters because those are absolutely horrid. Ugh. A lot of stuff not to mention it's my Junior year in highschool. No slacking now, especially with 4 AP classes. Like damn.
> 
> Okay, that's it. Ciao. Do all that favorite things. Maybe if I get enough it will spur me to write more. I know, it's pathetic, but to be honest that is as truthful as I am ever going to be on this site to you guys.
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> Disclaimer: Don't own Homestuck.

"Hey John, you in there? Come on out. The douche ran off but Rose said she'd talk to him. It's only me and you in this place," I shouted at the locked bedroom door before groaning and pulling out a lock pick tool Sollux made me to steal him a PS3 from this crappy planet. Never thought it would be useful. "Fuck John. It's Karkat! I'm still your friend! Does that mean anything?"

No response.

"Fine. I guess I'll let myself in," I muttered after I heard the small click of the lock, pushing the door open and viewing the room. He was nowhere in sight. His room was more or less straight. Shoes kicked around and his boxes of various awful movies being scattered across the floor like he toppled them over. The line of random shit led to the bathroom.

Well this is a no brainer.

Slowly walking up to the bathroom, I made sure not to make any noise. I didn't want him to hear me and be scared or something as ridiculous as that. Who knows what state he is in?

When I was within an arm's reach of the door knob I could get a hint of what mess had consumed him and it was wretched.

The light was on and as I neared closer, I heard him clear as day. Nothing could have been more distinct than what was seeping through the crevices of the door. Broken, choked sobs and heart-wrenching pleas mixed in with cries of depreciation. It was painful and I cringed at the thumps that must have meant him crashing to the floor.

I really wanted to maim Strider at this point. No, wait, maim is probably still too vague. I wished to inflict the damage that was done to someone he claimed to be his best friend. I wanted to hurt him like he did John, but I decided against it for now out of some spur of morality and rationality.

John needed me more than that douche ever will.

Placing my hand on the door knob, I felt a sense of uneasiness and dread. It felt thicker than those sobs, the expression of anxiety reaching my quickening heart. Fuck. Why now of all times? It was always right and if I was feeling worse than when those sounds hit my ears, I could only imagine what would be lying on those bathroom tiles.

Naturally, I rebelled against understanding it. I wasn't going to listen to it. Forget that. It wasn't metaphoric what was happening in there. I knew John wasn't going be alright but I can still comfort him at least. Make sure he was better and maybe even help him move on from that stupid asswipe that shall not be named at this moment.

…I sounded like the main protagonist in one of my rom coms now. The man moving to help the girl off her feet, swooning her in the process. Trying to get her to move on from the guy that left her in the dust not long ago. It could have been a movie. The only thing to make it exactly like them is the k-

Wait.

Nope. Vantas what are you thinking? Terminate that fucking thought process right now you douchemuffin. Love? Are you kidding yourself now? That wasn't going to be possible for you and you know it so you might as well kick that thing out of your head before you hurt yourself and others involved.

Besides, John made it clear prior to the end of the game that it wasn't going to be possible with him. Why try now? I doubted it was going to be any different.

Think friends. Only friends.

Shaking my head, I opened the door. I knew what room it was, - I wasn't an idiot – but to me at this very instant it might as well have been a nightmare. There was no other way to describe it.

"John! Fuck, fuck, fuck! What are you doing?" I yelled, panic overcoming me as I dissected the picture in front of me. I tried to restrain flipping my shit but as I noticed every single detail like it was some sick form of high definition, it was getting harder and harder to do so. Chains were constricting my throat – or so it felt like – and I didn't know how to loosen them. The image wasn't helping those links relax in any shape or form.

John, happy-as-fuck, careless, idiot John was on the tiled floor holding a fucking blade between his shaking fingers like it was the most endearing object in his life right this instant. His eyes, albeit heavy-lidded were completely serious in a sense that I could have only described as worryingly unstable. His brittle bones and skinny frame was shaking like a leaf in the winter wind outside. I could see him sliding down the walls as he lost any motivation to stay upright. Sickening crimson painted the floor in puddles, not drops, as time wore on and my body stopped working.

I wanted to run from the crimson. I wished to run from my blood color like it was a virus that would infect me. I desired to lock myself in a closet and never come out until that color was gone. I craved to do all of those things, but I didn't. I didn't because I wasn't a fucking douche who would ignore his friends when they needed him like some pretentious braindead shitflinger that decided to provoke this.

Right now, John looked to be in more pain and loss than I could ever hold for a simple color.

Mentally shaking myself from my blood-fright delusion, I ran to John and forced him to sit up. He didn't respond to my actions at all like I wasn't even there. This wasn't good. This was the epitome of "not being good".

How did he lose all this blood already? Is he in danger? Is he in shock? Does he need to go to one of those human resurrection places? Hospitals? Shit I can't take him! That would be like walking past people with a neon sign saying to come check us out and in the most literal, negative way possible. The idiots in this idiot's hierarchy would love to cull me and him for experiments!

So that only leaves me having to deal with this which wasn't even my strong suit. Gog, I wish Kanaya or Feferi or SOMEBODY was here! I'm not good at this.

I never was.

Saving people was always meant for those who were actual heroes and, well, John was the most heroic and utterly reckless hero of all of us. Right now, the hero that has been claimed was in the most unstable state a human could be in. Just because he magically transformed into some troll overnight did not dissipate those dangers. This wasn't SBURB. He wouldn't be brought back to life because his life wasn't heroic or justified.

He would fall limp and nothing would be able to bring him back.

I suppose you could say that this was what made me try again to help him.

Once again, I picked him up and leaned him against the wall in a secure position before placing my hand in front of his mouth. Shallow breaths greeted my sweaty palms. Good. At least he was breathing.

But this was still too much blood for the amount of time I was gone! I mean, how can someone lose that amount in ten fucking minutes? Unless…

Turning my head, I looked at his exposed chest, open arms, and bare legs. Words. Words were everywhere. Scarlet blurred together until it felt as if I was only seeing in that color. Not just on his wrists, but anywhere where open skin was available. In every place possible, there was a word drooling out carmine. The flow never ceased. Even as I saw John, passed out form the blood loss, the trail of red only lengthened. If I didn't stop this, I knew John would die in a matter of minutes.

With that reassuring thought on my mind I looked in the storage centers under the sink. I thought of what crab dad did when I tripped and scraped my knee. Yes, he would screech in my fucking ear, but he would also grab a few things. Maybe John will have some of the things I need. If he didn't I would be back to square one.

I rummaged through the objects until I grabbed a piece of white material, warm water, liquid that smells like the stuff my lusus used, bandages, and gauze. All the while I would glance at him, making sure he was breathing, making sure a pulse was there, making sure he wasn't dead.

Going to John, I placed the fabric in the bowl of water and apply it on one of the more severe words, "Alone". Rushing slightly, I also placed one on "Worry". These two words were the scraped into his skin as if Jack's swords did it himself. Placing pressure on the two spots, I panicked when I saw pink sink through the white surface. Did he hit an artery? Of course he would. Just my luck. Maybe it's just a little slit though. Hopefully.

How can he be bleeding so fucking much to begin with! Hasn't he bleed enough as is? I muttered incoherent curses as kept replacing the cloth on these two cuts, ignoring the others. They were bleeding, yes, but not as threatening at these so they can wait. Those could have been bruises compared to the gashes in his skin.

Over and over I kept replacing these broken scars. Over and over I wanted to scream and give up and run away. I was just starting to lose hope when I heard a whisper. Leaning in, I noticed John's blue lips moving ever so slightly I will never admit this, but a wave of relief washed over me as he murmured inaudible phrases.

Stopping my movements, I got nearer to catch his dead man whispers.

One word stuck out like a sore thumb.

"Kar…kat?"

As much as I'd hate to say it, my face and voice softened at his crooked syllables, "Yeah. It's me. Listen up you useless fuckass. I need you to stay awake," Trying to tone down my panic and frustration, I resorted to sounding dead serious. "Do not drift off. No la la land or whatever it is. No sleep. No hibernation. Do you get it? Don't shut your fucking eyes."

"But… I'm so... tired," he murmured brokenly, opening his eyes a slit to look at me. His once cerulean orbs were getting duller by the second. They looked like swamp water, mysterious and dangerous.

"Is there anything I can do to keep you awake then?" I cried out desperately, clenching my teeth as faint angry tears ran to my eyes. I didn't want him to die on me. I didn't want anybody to die on me. Not anymore. Not like SGRUB or SBURB or anything like it. That was a disaster planned out thoroughly by some fucked up mind. I lost friends in that game that shouldn't have died at all.

So fuck me if john was going to die now when no restart would be given.

"…ng…me"

I turn to him immediately, replacing the bandages as I did so. The bleeding was slowing down but I didn't know if that was from too little blood to escape or simply because the wound was healing.

"What?" I muttered softly.

"Can you… sing… to me?"

I stared at him incredulously. Sing? Of all things, he wants me to sing? I can't sing. My voice box isn't even made for singing. It's made for yelling, ordering, screaming tantrums even; but not singing. Why did he want me to sing anyways? He has never heard me sing I don't think. That doesn't mean I do though!

"Why should I sing?" I couldn't help asking.

"…Dave… he…" That's all I needed to set me off in a tangent of anger. So the stupid putrid clusterfuck would probably sing to him when he was upset.

I take a deep breath to calm my anger. It did little but I could put on a façade maybe. Can't promise it will work.

Fine. If singing will help him, then fine. I thought I heard John say other words but they were jumbled up into a mixture of nonsense and whispers.

Sighing, I ran a hand through my plastered locks. They were stuck to my skull from all the functions I've been doing.

"Please Kar…kat?"

It was a poor excuse for pleading and that was probably what got to me.

Gog dammit.

Looking at him, he eyed me like Gamzee did when he wanted something. The only difference is that in front of me is John, not Gamzee. In front of me is a very close to death idiot, not a dumbass juggalo. In front of me is an idiot that has held too much for his fucking shoulders to handle and hasn't said a thing to divide the pressure. He didn't want to bother anyone, for them to remember. I see his point, but he's an idiot for residing to this tactic for so long.

Was he trying to kill himself?

Did he think it was better?

I didn't know and that scared me but right now was not the time to ask him. Right now was to sing to him of all things.

Ugh, why am I doing this?

Tapping my fingers on the contaminated tile, I bite my bottom lip before taking a deep breath and singing as requested.

"Asinine, the reasons are asinine

I'll never accept that I

Have fallen horns over heels

I hear no bells; no chorusing of angels

But I've fallen under your spell

I think I know how Juliet feels

If Prospit and Derse decide

That they are both satisfied

Transportilizers all shut down for good this time

If I can't go to your world when this game is through

I'll still be horns over heels for you

So unfair, everything's so unfair

Buck teeth and messy hair

Aren't things that normally tug at my heart

Your eyes so blue; oh I could get lost in you

If only you knew the truth

But I guess good friends is a start."

I could feel my face redden slightly when I realized I sang this song back when I felt flushed for John. I hope he didn't notice.

"If Prospit and Derse decide

That they are both satisfied

Transportilizers all shut down for good this time

If I can't go to your world when this game is through

I'll still be horns over heels for you

You and me, together we've led this team

And soon we'll reach victory

We might not meet again after this

I promised I would not let you see me cry

But there's not a dry eye

Between me and you

I have to tell you soon

If Prospit and Derse decide

That they are both satisfied

Transportilizers all shut down for good this time

If I can't go to your world when the game is through

I'll still be horns over heels for you

John, I'm horns over heels for you."

Wait.

Wait what.

If my face wasn't red before, it certainly was now. I forgot about that one line! I just got a bit into the song and now it's coming back to bite me. I hope he heard nothing. Perhaps he would stay his little ignorant, ador-annoying self.

"Karkat?" Maybe I'm just imagining the confusion in his tone. Yes, that must be it.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Gog fucking damn it. How the fuck do you explain that you felt red for him when you made that song? Fuck me. Fuck this. Why can't he stay unmindful? I'm so screwed. "Yeah?"

"…Thanks."

I blinked, dumbfounded of course. I mean, who wouldn't be? I thought he was going to pick my think pan apart for more flushed disasters but he didn't. I knew he wanted to. His face showed confusion but he kept quiet. Maybe he was tired? Whatever. I'm grateful he didn't quiz me. I'm not going to push it.

"For what?" My voice came out softer than it was meant to be but I didn't bother fixing it. It's not like it was going to change the meaning anyways.

"F-F-For not leaving a-an i-i-it," John stuttered, biting his lips. I could see pale red tears glistening behind his yellow scleras.

I don't know if it was the leftover adrenaline from the spur of the moment or the fact that I was born and raised as an angry, annoyed as fuck, fun-sized troll who was way too emotional for his shoes, but the second John believed he was an it, boiling rage ran through my veins in a fiery blaze. Not for John. Why would I be mad at John? No this was aimed to Dave Strider.

How fucking dare he call his BEST BRO an it? Why would someone even say that? Wasn't John his so-called palhancho or some shit? His only bro? His gog damn "amigo" for fucks sake? I know friendship, at least on Alternia I do, and I know for a fact this isn't friendship. This was a barrier. It's like this change in John affected him to the point he rejected him. If they were "bros" he wouldn't have FUCKING CARED ABOUT THIS AT ALL.

John eyed me like I was going to hurt him like his wretched fuckjamming sorry sack of shit of a friend.

"Dave is a fucking douche. You know that right?" I muttered, unclenching my hands to relax to my side, the red seeping into my pants uncomfortably.

John looked down at the floor, not saying a word. Did he not see what Dave was like under a change in scenery? Did he not see it at all?

After a minute, John responded, "He understands me the most…"

Groaning, I rolled my eyes and planted my hands on his shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. His eyes were sad and veiled, both which stirred past feelings that I had looked away.

"John. For once, leave Dave's past actions or feelings, or some shit like that, out of your small thinkpan. Forget about the stupid smirks or those gog awful raps for just right now and remember what he did to you mere hours ago alright? Do you not realize your actions because that douche couldn't hold it together like a one day old grub?! You-! You're-! I-! Fuck it all. You cut yourself. You harmed your fucking body. I don't know about you, but that's extreme don't you think? You are supposed to live with that body for the rest of your entire life and it's already scarred and charred. That body that you will see EVERY FUCKING DAY is already marked. Okay? But I', not blaming you for this. I'm blaming the one who caused it. Who was that John? It was Dave, your almighty best fucking bro. Tell me John. Do friends do this? No. They HELP. How is this helping if you nearly died John? Come on. I admire your companionship with Strider and all, but you can't protect him forever. Get angry for once. An egotistical asshole like that won't now he's one until you get angry and tell him such. He needs to learn that that was the worst thing he could have done-"

"B-But Karkat! It's okay and-!"

"I can't believe you're not… No it's not John! You as well as I fucking know this! Friends don't act like that. Get that through your gog damn head!"

"But I don't mind-!"

"Well I do!" I quickly shut my mouth, face heating up as I looked away to the floor. "If you won't do something, I will."

John was silent. Looking at his hands and circling imaginary pictures on his bandaged wrists. It took me a minute to get the picture.

"He… He fucking knows doesn't he? About this?"

John aimed his attention at his bandaged hands, shallow melancholy in his eyes. That was all the confirmation I needed.

I stood abruptly, throwing my arms in the air. Of course he did. Of course he fucking knew!

"That… That fucking nooksiffing, idiotic, good-for-nothing, parasitic asswipe! He knew you did this John. He knew it and he still acted the way he did. How is that still friendship to you John? Even now, you can't still be fucking protecting him are you? I know friendship and what that horseshit worthless idiot did is not friendship! That was the farthest thing from it! He-!" I stopped abruptly when I turned to face John and tears were streaming down his face in crimson trickles.

Sighing, I crouched in front of John, using a left over white rag to wipe his crimson tears, "Listen. Stop crying. I won't do anything. I'm just so pissed that Dave didn't give a considerable fuck when he insulted you. Cease the water from your eyes. Look at me. John. No. Not at the floor. Look at me. There. Okay, how about we put you in your recuperacoon or bed or whatever while I find some weird thing to watch. That way your mind will off the douche that shall not be named." John nodded slightly and stood. He didn't last a mere second on his own legs. They were weak from the lack of circulation and the lack of blood overall.

I immediately grabbed a hold of his waist, huffing at the weight. John locked a hold around my own waist as we moved out of the nightmare and into a secured reality. His face was flushed but I didn't know if that was from embarrassment or from overexertion. I wanted to make fun of it but I knew my own face was flushed with crimson so a backfire would have surely happened. Especially with John.

As we stumbled to the bed, I happened to glance at the toppled movies, quickly picking one up. Con air, go figure. I showed it to John and rolled my eyes when I saw him smile faintly and nod. It was a small smile but genuine. That's all that mattered. Besides, it's not like he had much of a choice with me. I wasn't going to bend over to pick a new one up.

I saw john reach for something out of the corner of my eye – his cellular device. As he grabbed it, he turned it on and unlocked it. His pesterchum was logged in and I saw him change his mood to "upset" then "scared". My eye twitched at the actions but I kept it together.

Examining elsewhere, I placed him on his bed and turned away, ready to set out for some grub. He was going to need it.

"Hey Karkat?"

I stopped and turned to him, "Yeah?"

"Um… could you like not tell anybody about… that? I don't want them to know. I mean, I already know Dave knows but I don't was Rose or Jade or… anybody really."

My fists clenched. Really. He's still going to hide it? Hide it like… everything really.

"Sure."

I turned around and walked out the room before I ended up ranting about that as well. There was no changing his mind. He was stubborn, even as weak as he is right now, he is stubborn. Either way, I wasn't going to tell them anyhow. John didn't need the stress of everyone knowing about this. If anything, that would make it worse.

My foot caught on the edge of a step and I slipped. Cursing, I hugged the banister to catch myself, glaring at all the steps with deadly precision as I finished the trek.

Ugh, John. He's going to be the death of all of us.

…

That wasn't very funny. Especially with his… our past.

God I wonder how many times he has heard that.

Turning around the corner, I decide to look around before concocting something together.

It seemed like everyone decided to kind of settle in a larger version of John's house. Most of the stuff were the same. A white couch against the wall to the stairwell. A fireplace adjacent to it with a book case beside it. That's where a few changes seemed to take place.

Instead of those weird "harlequin" things, there were pictures. Pictures of just… people and things. When I got closer, I realized they were mostly pictures of the four humans. John with Dave. Rose teasing the both of them. Jade being… herself. Very few had John though. Only two. It seems he valued them more than he.

I can see why.

Ugh, why am I being sentimental?

Shaking my head, I proceed to the swinging doors, going straight to fridge.

A small beep resounded in my pocket and pesterchum greeted my eyes. It seems I wasn't the only one concerned about John. Go figure.

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:56 -

TT: Hello Karkat.

TT: I would apologize for the sudden pestering, but seeing as how John's situation was prior to our leaving I'm sure you can learn to understand.

CG: I GET IT LALONDE

CG: HE'S FINE

CG: I JUST LEFT HIM IN HIS BED TO GET SOME FOOD TO FEED HIM

CG: FUCKASS IS PRACTICALLY ALL SKIN AND BONES

TT: I'm very well aware Karkat.

TT: That being said, how was he when you went to go check on him?

TT: He wasn't in the most stable conditions when you went up to see him.

TT: I need to know the severity of the actions David has done so I can appropriately punish him.

I was tempted to tell her everything because I knew she would do exactly as she said. She had a weird… liking to that kind of stuff.

But then I thought of John and I regrettably went against it.

CG: HE WAS JUST ON HIS BED CRYING

CG: THE WHOLE IT THING KIND OF HIT HIM FUCKING HARD

CG: TELL THAT SHITTY CRETINOUS DUMBASS THAT FOR ME

TT: I will.

TT: Besides crying, is there anything else I should be aware of?

TT: Any actions that are considered physical harm?

A part of me thought she knew. That she had figured it out or even that Dave told her, but I knew that even if Dave was in the mood he was in he still wouldn't confess a thing to his ecto-sister.

Still, perhaps she would be able to give me information or advice even. I knew I needed it.

But then Kanaya's words came back to me. It felt like a long time ago but in truth it was only the other day. Weird how things happen like that.

"Anything You Come Upon That He Is The Subject… Do not tell anybody." She was dead serious and I wasn't an idiot either. Telling Rose would possibly be the worst thing for him. Until he is ready.

So I continued to not tell the truth. I wasn't going to suck up to this broad. Not until John allowed me to do so.

Which might as well be never.

CG: NOTHING

CG: I MEAN THERE WERE A FEW BRUISES ON HIS LEGS BUT THOSE WERE FROM TRIPPING OVER HIS MOVIE SHIT

CG: WHY DO YOU ASK LALONDE

TT: Oh, don't get defensive Karkat.

TT: No need to bristle your fur to protect John. I believe you.

CG: GOOD

TT: Now I must take my leave. It seems my educational instructor has realized her poor teaching habits.

TT: I'll speak with you when we get home, Karkat.

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 14:17 -

I stared at the screen for a moment longer before putting it back in my pocket.

What was I here for?

Food. Right.

Sighing, I went to grab something for John. When I opened the fridge, though, I was met with an absurdly large bottle of apple juice marked with a post it. On it was written in gigantic red block letters, "Property of Dave Strider".

That little note seemed to set something off in me. I don't know how or why it was this little nonsensical thing but just that note had crossed a line that set a mood of emotions in place.

All those emotions I had to bottle up in front of John. I was pissed off, more than flipped off my handle for what Strider did. I knew I promised I would not hurt Strider but I also knew that I was going to break that promise. He needed something to make him know exactly what he did and if I had to do something about it then I would.

Because that shithole deserved it.

Slamming the fridge door shut, I opened the cupboards and pulled out a can labeled "Tomato soup". It looked decent enough. In the middle of trying to open it I gave up and resorted to just stabbing it with a knife, pouring it into a bowl and following the instructions that told me to put it in the microwave for 2 minutes.

The beeping that followed didn't last a second when I opened it, cringing at the warm bowl. Fetching a spoon, I made my way back up to the stairs.

"Hey idiot," I called as I opened the door with my foot.

John certainly wasn't how he was before I left.

I didn't hesitate in placing the soup down somewhere unimportant and going to John. Sitting awkwardly at the foot of the bed. Tears trickled down the grey skin with no signs of stopping, the illumination of his cell phone making it all the more tragic.

"I…" I stopped, unsure how to start, "Are you okay?"

A laugh came out of John's mouth but it was nothing short of humorless and broken. Peering over his shaking hands, I saw the familiar text of Dave's font and my blood boiled.

"Is it Dave?" I asked, fighting to keep my voice steady.

John put his phone away and resorted to staring at his fingers. The tears stopped and his face became emotionless as he twiddled his fingers. It was like staring at a machine that was losing power.

I didn't know what would trigger him. I didn't know what wouldn't trigger him. He was giving mixed signals and I didn't know which to follow.

Sighing, I stood and grabbed the ignored Con Air disc and placed it in the DVD player, pressing play before going back to the bed. I scooted up to the pillows with John but didn't get close to him. No, I would let him open up. I've already gone into his space more than enough as is.

"Uh John."

He didn't look at me.

"You know you can tell me anything, right? What is bothering you I mean? I'm still your friend, remember? Even if you are a careless fuckass who seems to have this weird obsession with Nic Cage."

That brought a little of a smile to his face but it was chased away quickly.

"Karkat, if I am such a horrible person, why so you stick with me? I know I'm horrible. I mean, even Dave called me an It!" he chuckled lowly, sadly, "But you still follow me. Why? I've done so many things that have taken the wrong turn and they are affecting me. Why even though it seems I am broken you still sit next to me like it was-" he stopped. I knew what he was going to say. Like how it was back then when we were on that meteor.

I grimaced, trying to put words and tact together.

"Because you're not a horrible person, John. You're an idiot who is completely naïve in every sense of the word, but you are not a horrible person. If anything, you're probably the most loyal and honorable out of all of us."

"But I'm-"

"Broken?" I laughed but it was forced, "No fuckass. You are not broken. You're just… taking one big step backwards you never anticipated, you know? One day you can take that one step forward but right now you're still trying to figure out why you took that step back. You're not broken John. You're lost."

"Then how do I get found," he murmured, looking at me expectantly.

Hesitating, I took his hand. It was frail and brittle but he didn't seem to pull away. Both of our faces were flushed but I swallowed my embarrassment to say what I meant.

"See here? Your hand is in mine. This means you are real, that you are needed. This means that you have been found by a person who needs you as much as you need someone else. Okay? Got that?"

John just stared at our hands, not saying anything. At first I thought I went too far. But soon a small smile spread on his face and he looked at me with more mirth than presented before.

"Thank you."

The soup lay forgotten somewhere at the front of the room as we fell into a content silence with the occasional bunny remark from Nic Cage. John smiled a few parts, commenting on how stupid this thing was at a few other moments while I just concluded the whole thing was a mess of confusion and idiocy.

Our hands never separated.

Even when John passed out at maybe 4:00 pm, his hand never untangled from my own. It was nice. I mean, having him stop sobbing all over the place! Not this affectionate mess! Why would I be happy about him holding hands with me?

I almost forgot about my anger at Dave. Almost.

Until I heard their god-awful vehicle pull in and Dave's voice.

Then it flared and within a few seconds before I knew what was happening, I was at the front door, my hands clenched into fists.

The door swung open and I had Dave's eyes meet mine with confusion. Without taking a second to think about it, I took a step forward and swung my fist, connecting with his cheek. Dave crashed against one of the paneled walls of the house, rubbing his cheek and searching for his glasses as Jade and Rose ran up to me.

Jade was frantic, but I saw a small smirk of approval appear on Rose's face. I didn't mean to please her. I didn't want to please her but it seemed I didn't have a say in the matter. Whatever. She wasn't the problem. The imbecile in front of me was the problem.

"Do you have any idea of what you did to John, Strider?" I hissed between my teeth, narrowing my eyes at the albino. Dave met my eyes and I saw a mixture of anger, frustration, and guilt in his eyes. "Do you have any clue in that dense thinkpan of yours of what John was like after you left? After you called him an IT!" I screeched the last part and Rose and Jade were stunned into silence while Dave met my eyes steadily.

Taking a deep breath, I looked at the idiot that was John's friend, one of his only, and my anger drained.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose in exhaustion, "You know what? Fuck it. Just fuck this. I'll let you talk to John after he wakes up and you can see for yourself. I sure hope you're proud of yourself." Turning on my heels, I stalked into the house and made my way up the stairs.

When I was about to walk into John's room, a hand caught my wrist and I yanked it away quickly. Dave flinched back but I couldn't see what emotion he had since his glasses were back on.

"Karkat, wait. Let me talk. I can explain."

Every bit of me wanted to know what he could say to explain this. I wanted to argue right where I stood but I knew that would wake John and that in itself would be a cruel awakening for anyone.

Nodding stiffly, I let him lead me to his room. It was nothing short of what his old room was like pre-SBURB. Flinging his backpack on the bed, he paced the room, running his hand through his hair as he did so. I tapped my foot against the floor, awaiting his so-called meaningful explanation that I was supposed to give a fuck about.

"So, care to tell me how you planned to explain all that this morning, Strider? Because I am not here to watch you partake in some pity party." My voice was full of venom and I could see Dave visibly stiffen. After a second he sighed before rotating to face me.

"Look. You have every right to be mad at me. Shit, even I am pissed at myself for what I said and what I did. It was stupid and reckless and I know what might have happened because of it. It… It isn't rocket science," he chuckled humorlessly but I could hear the guilt and sadness over his tone. "I just wasn't ready for that, you know? Him coming out as a troll, as one of you, and then you coming as well out of nowhere! It's too much for one man to handle, especially now when we are struggling as is."

"That gives you know reason to act that way to John," I seethed, eyes calm despite the passion in my voice.

"I know, Vantas. I'm not a fucking idiot. Just, please, help me here. I know John is going to want to completely avoid me and I probably deserve that since I wasn't the role model brochacho I claimed to be. I don't deserve to joke with him and be like it never happened because clearly that's the douche way of acting after all of this. But just listen to me Karkat. For one moment. I need your help."

I laughed.

"You need my help? Oh, this is rich. Why should I help you Strider? Especially now? Why the fuck should I give two shits about your little personal problems?"

Dave flung his arms out, "Because I like him okay? And not even that ironic shit. This is that like that little kids whisper about with that whole 'like like' bullshit. The kind that hallmark cards crave for. I fucking like him and I screwed up big time and I don't know what to do to get him back and I'm not going to Rose."

I stared at him for a second with a raised brow.

"I wasn't going to say go to Rose you fuckass."

"But you were thinking it," he deadpanned and I shrugged.

"And what if I was? You already know what I think on the matter. If that's how you are going to act every time some stupid event happens to stress you out beyond your idiotic beliefs, then why should you get John? You could end up hurting him more."

I didn't know why I was protecting John like this. Maybe because he was an idiot that I knew wouldn't be able to do the same. Maybe because Dave is a grubfisted brainless clusterfucker. Maybe because I might even suffer from the same emo…

No. Not the time Vantas.

Dave took a step forward, his expression completely pokerfaced compared to the emotions he was expressing so vividly.

"Listen to me! I know I have faults but you can't be saying that not everyone has done something they regretted? You can't say that I am the only one." I winced, thinking of all the deaths I watched in Jack Noirs battle.

"No, I definitely have a bucket full of faults in this. I know that. But those were in the past, Strider. This is now."

"Vantas. Please."

"No and that's fin-"

Before I could make the rejection more final, our conversations were cut short by Johns cries resounding into the room. Without a second, Dave was dashing out of the room, me on his heels.


	9. Wouldn't You Like To Know

_A droplet of blood drooled down my neck as Jack's sword nipped the skin. I winced at the pain that was so sharp and promising. It was different than my inflictions. This pain wasn't like the relieving insertions. It hurt and I knew the others that would follow would only insure more._

_He gripped my body harder, growling beside me. My breaths were shallow and slow compared to my racing heart. Each adjustment was only another gasp and nip._

_I couldn't run. I couldn't defend myself. I was pinned, my arm twisted at a painful angle behind my back. I felt that any more pressure on the arm, even as a troll, would cause it to snap. I felt too weak, too vulnerable and I was. Treating my body as badly as I had was leaving its effects behind. I could feel a few cuts along my legs and arms reopen and begin to pour crimson down my grey skin._

_Part of me wanted to be reclusive and not tell anyone but I wasn't an idiot. I couldn't do anything to stop him from killing me. My god tier powers? Sure they existed but since I didn't even master them in the game they might as well be a little breeze, a small rustle in the leaves, compared to what it was then._

_The only way I could get them back would be to regain my confidence I had back then. Courage and heroism would have to consume me for those once potent powers to flow throughout me._

_Right now? I wasn't confident and I surely wasn't in any shape to accept the emotions from back then. God tier was out of my capability. They wouldn't help me. Keeping to myself wouldn't help me._

_And for some reason those words appeared to hold a deeper meaning than just hiding my pain and torture._

_The dark man shook me roughly as I began to go silent, mulling over my despair. He wanted noise or a reaction. I gasped as he made another cut on my neck and promptly made a few whimpers to keep him from imposing any other form of injury or wound._

_I didn't want to die. Not now. Not when Karkat had helped me so much. I actually had a reason to try and get better now that wasn't just "so you can stop moping around the house and being a Debby Downer". It was a real reason that I valued more than I probably should. He could have called one of his friends over and completely ignore me until they came, but he went straight into action. He even sang to me when I dazedly asked him which was completely absurd of me._

_Nonetheless, he treated it like it was nothing – and not in a bad sense – and took action. Like he wasn't completely panicked._

_He held my hand when I needed an anchor. I wasn't as oblivious as he probably thinks I am. He holding my hand was him saying he needed me. Someone did. Killing myself would be selfish. Allowing myself to be killed would be even more so._

_I refused to be selfish, even if in some scenarios I can't even fix that._

_Like now._

_My hair was pulled back, forcing my neck to crane as it will. I was met with the soulless eyes of a man that had vengeance for me since the end of the game. He had long lost his dog snout now and wings. Those had been clipped and sliced in the battle that changed both our lives._

_He was still a black shadow, staring me down with such hatred I had to fight my body not to shiver in fear of the sword digging into my neck._

_I tried to speak but he made another growl and I hushed. He wanted me to make noises representing my pain but not of my opinion. I should have expected that._

_If I make a noise, he could kill me right then. He could decapitate me if he wished._

_I was hoping he wouldn't. I was hoping that perhaps I was making the right decision and I will be able to scare him off with Dave and Karkat rather than have him stalk and murder them one by one after I have failed to save them._

_I didn't want that promise – that wish – to be put to waste. That would be stupid. Idiotic._

_Slowly retrieving a breath, I let out a few chopped loud cries. They held no words. I was hoping the noise itself would alert them._

_The blade now against my skin was warm and I realized he had cut deeper into my skin. The warmth was my blood coating the blade and my skin. Biology pointed out that he was probably getting close to an artery which would end me but I wasn't concentrating on knowledge I had obtained at school. I was focusing on controlling my breathing, on living._

_It was becoming harder with the blood creating streams on my skin._

_The door slammed open and two noises were heard. Karkat cursed under his breath while glaring at the man as if he remembered him. Did he? No, impossible. He died as well._

_Did he?_

_No, wait, not the right time to be questioning this, John. I needed to worry about them, about making sure they didn't get hurt. As it was, Dave wasn't taking this too well even though he hid it almost perfectly behind his façade._

_He was trembling and I didn't know if that was him vaguely recognizing the monster or simply from fear. Probably both._

_The darkened man looked at all three of us, mirth in his eyes, and laughed._

-FLASHBACK-

They think I'm asleep, don't they?

That was the only thought that rang throughout my head when I heard the exchange begin on the stairwell, and in an extent, when I assumed Karkat punched Dave.

I wish I had slept. I wish I hadn't woken up the second Karkat's hand lifted from my own. I wish I was in a dreamless (hopefully) sleep where all I had to worry about was dealing with Dave – or not dealing with him actually – and possibly dinner and the others.

But no, I had woken up and I was now hearing the argument between Karkat and Dave. It was so faint, so hushed, but I could definitely make it out to be arguing. The words were mostly placed on deaf ears but some reached and it was painful. Those words were violent, harsh, and bitter. Karkat's was full of resent and outrage while Dave was pleading and… guilty? No, impossible.

Why would he feel guilty over an it? An it who deserved to be called an it.

With a sigh, I sank into my pillows, humming at my own discontent. If those two little cartoon angels were to appear right now, I'm sure my problem would be easier to understand, but it all sounded like one voice mixed in with each other. One side saying that I should stop being a pessimist and move on since no one likes a pessimist and if people need me I won't be useful like this. I needed to stop moping of my past which was easier said than done.

The other half of my nonsense craved to put me in a deeper hole. That didn't take a lot. Saying I was useless, a screw up, the like. It was… very humiliatingly easy how a simple phrase like that would put me down three times than an entire speech to pull me up.

I was the opposite of what I was, who I was, as the Heir of Breath. Back then, I was the leader. I tried to save everyone and most of the time I put them before myself. Granted I was kind of a dick and an asshole at times due to my pranking gambits and me being my charming self, I was still a better person than I was now. I was braver, stronger, loyal, and most of all, a hero.

I'm not a hero here. I'm a moping child. I had fell down to the bottom of the ectoladder. I slid down all the snakes and missed the ladders. However you put it, I had fallen down lower than I started.

I have made people worry about me non-stop. When I turned into a troll – I'm still getting used to it – I bothered Karkat because I couldn't handle it. When I presented myself to Jade and Rose and Dave, I could have said something to call Dave back to make it more like me but I ran upstairs and… well, did an act I'm not proud of at all but fail to cease.

This hero I was dubbed to be back then simply won't return to meet me again now that I have faltered from my throne.

To say that I am just a little confused over where I stood would be an understatement. I didn't know if I should leave or get better. Both would result in some sort of positive ending, right? I mean, if I'm gone, my negative energy will be gone as well! However…

If Karkat is right, they do care about me. At least, he does. My friends do care about me, supposedly, and if I overthink it too much I will regret it. Leaving them, killing myself, all of those things. Those were selfish to my friends who were trying to be supportive.

But how would I know if they truly cared about me?

"Perhaps if you spoke to them more often or even asked," my thoughts responded back smartly. I sighed and ignored it even though it was correct.

God I am such a fucking screw up. If Dad was here, he wouldn't be proud of me. He would say that I was a disappointment. He would exclaim to me that I was nothing but absolute rubbish. Trash at the bottom of the can, a chewed wad of gum on the sidewalk, or even a rejected piece of cake in the fridge. I was not his son. He wouldn't want me.

I know I wouldn't want me.

All of these controversial thoughts floated in my head like a mixture of nightmares and dreams. I couldn't sort one from the other and as I sank deeper and deeper into the pillows, cold since Karkat left, I realized Karkat and Dave were still arguing. They were still fighting. Even in the game they didn't argue this much or to this extreme. Karkat said he wouldn't do anything so why was he chewing Dave off?

Was it because of me? He shouldn't be this concerned over me.

I suppose it would be too much to ask though.

Selfish.

Another word to add eventually I supposed.

Extending my arm, I flexed my left hand, thinking of how well Karkat's palms and fingers fit compared to mine. It was warm, caring, and so different from the school days and struggling home hours. It was nice and I missed it now when I needed it most.

"See here? Your hand is in mine. This means you are real, that you are needed. This means that you have been found by a person who needs you as much as you need someone else. Okay? Got that?"

When Karkat said that, did he mean that he needed me? Is that why he held my hand so tightly and with such vigor that could only match panic and fear? Did he need me?

The next thought was more embarrassing that I immediately wanted to stop it.

Karkat could have let go after he made his point so why didn't he? Did he like me? Do I… like him?

I cringed at the thought of love.

To be honest, I feared love. Perhaps at one time I would have wanted to fall in love with someone and have a daughter who would be my pride and joy. Her name would have been Casey and I would have given her a bunny and tell her of the amazing works of Con Air and pranking and everything there is to know about the Egbert family! I would have done it then, but now I was afraid to even consider it.

I didn't want to hurt someone again. I didn't want to promise a relationship and only hurt them with my pathetic actions. A part of me thought it to be selfish thinking like that because it made it sound like I was afraid of hurting myself. At this point both could work.

Being a screw up had its curses after all. I'm sure if I ever love someone I will only ever cause pain and suffering. If someone were to love me, they wouldn't understand and… they would leave me worse than I am now.

…

There was no way for Karkat to love a broken person as I. Impossible. Nobody will ever love me and if I'm lucky – less often than so – nobody ever will.

Staring at the ceiling, I tried to ignore the bitter words being exchanged. Perhaps I should go back to sleep? It might be better to. If they see that I was awake, they will both feel guilty about that and I would have messed things up again.

I hope I have a-

"Dreamless sleep, Heir of Breath?" I froze at the voice.

No.

How?

I wasn't staring up because of mere boredom now. I was forcing myself to narrow on it because I didn't want to see who was here that shouldn't be. Any feeling of being drowsy was gone. I was alert and rigid as I laid in my bed that suddenly felt as if it dropped fifty degrees.

I didn't want to look down.

But curiosity betrayed me and I slowly looked down to meet the cold eyes of Jack Noir. He appeared exactly as he did when he was in my dreams if not worse than those little exchanges. In my dreams I had nothing to fear but my own lost hours of slumber. In my dreams I was murdered and maimed but I was safe in real life.

But now he was here. Now he was potent. Now he existed.

"You were supposed to stay in my dreams," I whispered softly, watching the man with so much fear I was afraid to move. What was moving? Certainly nothing I wanted to partake in.

Jack snarled at me, "I have been gaining power for the past few years to be released to that constraint, Heir of Breath. I was tired of being chained to your petty mind. And of course, then you try and actually become who you were." He smiled before letting it slip. A façade as always for the man known to enforce them. "Did you really think you would be safe since your little heroes have arrived? That I will hesitate in plucking a hair off your head or pause to spill a droplet of blood? That is foolish, Heir of Breath, and you know it."

My vision blurred and not because of tears. I felt dizzy and overwhelmed. Jack Noir was here. He was real.

He had returned.

"Why did you come back?" I hoarsely replied, swearing at how weak I sounded. If I was the boy I was back then I would be able to stand up to Jack and perform some sort of damage. Right now I was nothing more than a shell of what I used to be and nothing was there to fill it. No bravery, no loyalty, and certainly no vigor.

Jack caressed the ground with each step he took until he was standing right next to me on the side of my bed closest to the door. I resisted the urge to back away mostly out of fear rather than valor.

Reaching his hand out, Jack grabbed the collar of my shirt and yanked me forward. Venom resounded in his words as his teeth and glaring eyes got closer, "I am not merely one of your silly nightmares, boy."

His hand twisted the collar, making the opening that fit loosely around my neck before tighten into a choking coil. Instinctively, my hands raced to grab the hold, pulling in the opposite direction to allow air to reach my lungs. Jack didn't vacillate in using his claws to smack my palms away, leaving a cruel smirk after I cried out in pain.

"After your little stunt," he spit the word at me in distaste, "I was stuck in that damned dream of yours. Granted it was one of the most amusing scenarios I have had yet to perform, it was also tiring. I didn't die and haunt you. I never died. I am alive and you never killed me in your break of cowardice."

He let go of my collar and I immediately sucked in air.

"But," he mused more so to himself than to me. "I can kill you. I can murder, maim, wound you and now that I have more enemies whom pity you, I can get rid of them as well. That little troll of yours for instance."

"Karkat," I breathed and he grinned in response.

"Oh yes," he asserted, the smile ever widening, "You both are oh so bothersome. Shame on you for being such."

My lips tightened into a line at that. I was in a state of confliction, gallantry vs. cowardice. I didn't want him to lay a finger on my friends and contaminate them like he did myself. I didn't want them to end up like me. I didn't want them to die again.

But, I was a coward and have been for years and you can't drop something that has accompanied you for so long.

"What do you want with me?" I asked in a hushed whisper. Jack's eyes looked at me in disbelief and bemusement. His smile which had fallen before to observe my room was back but in a smaller scale.

Using his fingers, he caressed my cheek and left goose bumps in its action, "It's simple. I want to end you before you attempt to end me."

He took a step closer to me and I heard a soft thump when his foot comes in contact with my bed. When he leaned in, I mimicked his movements in the opposite direction to try and get away. I was cringing away from him. I couldn't stop cringing from him. It was a natural reaction by this point.

"You need to break away from this cycle, John," a soft voice spoke in my head and I realized it was of the name individual who had allowed me to reset this game after the bloodshed. It was different hearing from her again since I haven't heard a single thought since the reset. It made me question why she was here at all. For Jack? For me?

There was always a reason and this time I was confused over the interpretation.

The soft melody spoke in my head again, "This isn't a time to question my motives, John. You have friends you wish to keep safe. This man is going to ruin that. Become the heir you were before and ascend." After that, I could sense that I wasn't going to get another message from the woman and stared at Jack Noir in a new light.

She left but I felt a little stronger, more like my old self.

"Stop," I whispered and cursed my voice. Damn it.

"Excuse me?" Jack frowned at my retaliation and I steeled myself in response.

"Stop it." This time it was solider. It was short, but I mustered all the strength I could into that little phrase. I wanted him to know that I couldn't be pushed around as easily if my friends are threatened. I needed to show power. I was an heir, not now maybe, but I was and I can try and appear that way. A smidgeon of daring and valor coursed through my veins like adrenaline.

Jack leaned back a little, surprised. It didn't last long before being replaced with fury and disbelief at my stance.

"Do you really think you can cease my cascade, Heir of Breath?" He spoke each word in a clipped severity. I felt my bravery seep out once more, leaving me as what I was and always shall be.

A coward.

I didn't have any boldness left to face him and I wanted it back desperately.

Jack took this to his advantage, "It is your fault that we are even in this dilemma, isn't it? If you hadn't hesitated in battle and killed me. If you managed to master your powers before even facing me. If you hadn't been rash and foolish. If your friends hadn't died. If your father hadn't died. If you never even played the game. So many if's to apply to you. It's all your fault. Every death, every drop of blood, the entire game is your fault."

My breath hitched as the thoughts stabbed me. Daggers or even katanas could not match the pain I felt at those words.

I was vulnerable. That was he plan all along after all. To leave me vulnerable and open.

Perhaps if I hadn't let my walls down he wouldn't have attacked me.

Perhaps if I didn't cringe at every word of honest truth like it was a weapon of infliction he would have continued talking.

Perhaps if I had actually grown a pair, I would have actually stood up to him.

But I was too late. In my moment of hesitance, much like last time, he had taken his chance and pinned me to my mattress, blade under my neck. His breath was cold in my ear and I clenched my teeth to keep from shivering.

A droplet of blood drooled down my neck as Jack's sword nipped the skin. I winced at the pain that was so sharp and promising. It was different than my inflictions. This pain wasn't like the relieving insertions. It hurt and I knew the others that would follow would only insure more.

He gripped my body harder, growling beside me. My breaths were shallow and slow compared to my racing heart. Each adjustment was only another gasp and nip.

I couldn't run. I couldn't defend myself. I was pinned, my arm twisted at a painful angle behind my back. I felt that any more pressure on the arm, even as a troll, would cause it to snap. I felt too weak, too vulnerable and I was. Treating my body as badly as I had was leaving its effects behind. I could feel a few cuts along my legs and arms reopen and begin to pour crimson down my grey skin.

Part of me wanted to be reclusive and not tell anyone but I wasn't an idiot. I couldn't do anything to stop him from killing me. My god tier powers? Sure they existed but since I didn't even master them in the game they might as well be a little breeze, a small rustle in the leaves, compared to what it was then.

The only way I could get them back would be to regain my confidence I had back then. Courage and heroism would have to consume me for those once potent powers to flow throughout me.

Right now? I wasn't confident and I surely wasn't in any shape to accept the emotions from back then. God tier was out of my capability. They wouldn't help me. Keeping to myself wouldn't help me.

And for some reason those words appeared to hold a deeper meaning than just hiding my pain and torture.

The dark man shook me roughly as I began to go silent, mulling over my despair. He wanted noise or a reaction. I gasped as he made another cut on my neck and promptly made a few whimpers to keep him from imposing any other form of injury or wound.

I didn't want to die. Not now. Not when Karkat had helped me so much. I actually had a reason to try and get better now that wasn't just "so you can stop moping around the house and being a Debby Downer". It was a real reason that I valued more than I probably should. He could have called one of his friends over and completely ignore me until they came, but he went straight into action. He even sang to me when I dazedly asked him which was completely absurd of me.

Nonetheless, he treated it like it was nothing – and not in a bad sense – and took action. Like he wasn't completely panicked.

He held my hand when I needed an anchor. I wasn't as oblivious as he probably thinks I am. He holding my hand was him saying he needed me. Someone did. Killing myself would be selfish. Allowing myself to be killed would be even more so.

I refused to be selfish, even if in some scenarios I can't even fix that.

Like now.

My hair was pulled back, forcing my neck to crane as it will. I was met with the soulless eyes of a man that had vengeance for me since the end of the game. He had long lost his dog snout now and wings. Those had been clipped and sliced in the battle that changed both our lives.

He was still a black shadow, staring me down with such hatred I had to fight my body not to shiver in fear of the sword digging into my neck.

I tried to speak but he made another growl and I hushed. He wanted me to make noises representing my pain but not of my opinion. I should have expected that.

If I make a noise, he could kill me right then. He could decapitate me if he wished.

I was hoping he wouldn't. I was hoping that perhaps I was making the right decision and I will be able to scare him off with Dave and Karkat rather than have him stalk and murder them one by one after I have failed to save them.

I didn't want that promise – that wish – to be put to waste. That would be stupid. Idiotic.

Slowly retrieving a breath, I let out a few chopped loud cries. They held no words. I was hoping the noise itself would alert them.

The blade now against my skin was warm and I realized he had cut deeper into my skin. The warmth was my blood coating the blade and my skin. Biology pointed out that he was probably getting close to an artery which would end me but I wasn't concentrating on knowledge I had obtained at school. I was focusing on controlling my breathing, on living.

It was becoming harder with the blood creating streams on my skin.

The door slammed open and two noises were heard. Karkat cursed under his breath while glaring at the man as if he remembered him. Did he? No, impossible. He died as well.

Did he?

No, wait, not the right time to be questioning this, John. I needed to worry about them, about making sure they didn't get hurt. As it was, Dave wasn't taking this too well even though he hid it almost perfectly behind his façade.

He was trembling and I didn't know if that was him vaguely recognizing the monster or simply from fear. Probably both.

The darkened man looked at all three of us, mirth in his eyes, and laughed. "These are your heroes, Heir of Breath? These boys that know nothing! Well, one of them at least," he mused openly.

I watched as Dave froze. I couldn't see any emotion but I could feel the aura of shock. He didn't know what to make of this. He was used to humans in a human world of normalcy. He was not accustomed to the man in front of me from our cursed past in the game I desperately didn't want him to remember.

He was never supposed to remember. None of them were to remember. That's why the game reset itself so successfully. It was because there were no memories to hinder the progress. All of my friends, all of the trolls, were supposed to remain anonymous and oblivious to their past history since I knew very well that they wouldn't be able to face it. Shit, I barely have myself.

That's a laugh isn't it? Barely facing it. Karkat and Dave have seen first-hand how I have coped with it…

And now they are standing in front of the enemy that has enforced it in the first place.

Dave was shocked. He was in a state of denial.

Karkat on the other hand seemed to be unscathed by Jack's appearance.

A gasp escaped my lips as Karkat's eyes of fury rushed forward with his body, his hand clamping on a pair of scissors. I observed in fear as he made an attack at Jack's torso. It was a good try but he was too blind with red to see anything. I knew it was pointless and yet all I could do was watch as Jack simply side stepped the rash attack like it was child's play. Letting his foot falter, Karkat tripped over it. Nausea filled me when the scissor blades gashed his entire forearm as he attempted to gather himself.

He was breathing hard. Karkat was I mean. Jack was being himself and observing everything with a murderous glint that I abhorred with all my being.

Karkat gripped his arm to attempt in slowing the bleeding. He was in pain, I could tell, but he was undeterred by the man or the injury. It reminded me so much of the final battle when Karkat, full of scars and wounds, still got up desperately to protect Terezi and everyone else before himself. He was brave and loyal. He was the hero and nothing could put him down.

But that was then and not now. Was his stubbornness in his nature that even the reset couldn't take it away?

Karkat stumbled, groaning at the blood loss. Carmine seeped through his long sleeved shirt and down his arm, falling from his fingertips. He was blinking a bit too much as if he was trying to stay awake or maybe attempting to focus.

Jack snickered at his attempt to keep up before turning to the still-hesitating Dave.

Dave didn't move. He watched the man but he didn't move. Not to defend himself and surely not to attack. Out of the corner of my eye Karkat moved to block Jack's view of the cool kid. Meeting his eyes for a split second, Karkat averted his gaze to look at Jack with determination. His words were, however, directed at me.

"John. You are stronger than this! You know it. Don't let Jack scare you. You beat him once, even if it was temporary, and you can do it again. Stop being a fucking coward!" I winced at the truth in his words but knew they weren't meant to hurt me but to motivate me. He was trying to get me to break this terrified wall of all my past fears and paranoia of Jack Noir.

And it worked.

Getting off my bed, I grasped the headboard to keep me upright and ignored the vertigo that came with me suddenly getting up. I felt faint and my cuts hurt but I put those off as I extended my arm and closed my eyes. I used the pain to create a stronger reason to pull back my old self.

"John…" It was Dave this time, "What are you doing?"

I opened my eyes for a moment to meet Dave's and offered a smile although I could feel it shake on my face.

Jack turned to face me again and I watched his eyes widen and glisten in pure rage. In the depths of those orbs I spotted something else I never saw before. Fear.

He was afraid of me for once. No, not of me. He was afraid of the power I had. The power that was being presented in my shaking finger tips.

In my hands, I managed to create a small wave of blue wind. It curled and caressed my palms and fingers delicately. When I concentrated more on it, it got bigger and more potent. I closed my eyes and allowed a little more energy to manifest. Not too much to be destructive but enough to set a point.

It felt like my hand was in a little torrent of wind and air. It wasn't painful. It was refreshing. I loved it. The only word that would be able to describe it would have to be rejuvenating.

Flashing my eyes open, I noticed Karkat gasp and Dave stuck in deciding whether to take a step forward or back. Jack took a step towards my window, which was now being pounded with rain and storms. Banshees screeched outside my window and lightning struck down. Odd since it was a sunny day a minute ago.

Meeting Jack's eyes, I glared at him. This time it wasn't faltering. This time it was tougher, sturdier even.

"Leave," I ordered, flinging the air at Jack. He stumbled backwards and growled at me. I retaliated by throwing another ball of wind at him. "Don't you dare lay a finger on my friends, Jack." My voice was stern and full of venom I never knew I had.

For some reason, all these emotions and sudden changes felt familiar and more accepting.

Concentrating on the emotions, I tried to trace them back to where they were coming from and released a small gasp.

This was the hero me. My past self. All this rage and power was that self I had laid to rest long ago resurfacing in the face of the enemy that ruined his game session.

Jack seemed to notice this as well as his form began to dissolve. He was disappearing, running away. I was furious at his flee but at the same time, grateful. I didn't know how long this would last. I didn't even know if it would last a minute or seconds more. If not for Karkat, it probably wouldn't have happened at all.

Jack was looking at all of us for a moment. Each glance lasted no longer than a few seconds but when those soulless eyes fell on me, I heard words resound through my head. They were his. His farewell gift. Before he disappeared entirely, he smirked in my direction.

It was one of the most unsettling things I have ever seen him leave with.

When he fully dissipated, I exchanged expressions with Karkat and Dave before collapsing to the floor. All the adrenaline had left me and with it my god tier powers. I felt weak and tired. My knees had buckled in reaction. Karkat and Dave were by my side in an instant.

"John, what was that? Who was that?" Dave questioned me, confusion in his voice. He didn't sound scared just unsure. Uncertainty laced through my thoughts when I tried to sort out just what to tell him.

Hey that was our long lost enemy that you and everyone else have forgotten! That wouldn't go well. In fact, I'm sure everyone would think I'm just stressed and say I need rest and possibly a psychiatrist.

I looked at Karkat and shook my head. That was another thing. I wasn't positive if Karkat remembered the session but I was about 99.9% sure and I was hoping that he realized I didn't want the others to know. What he said before about Jack couldn't have been said if he had been wiped. That being said, how did he remember? That's what I couldn't figure out.

But Karkat was not the person seeking my attention right now. That was Dave and he wanted an answer.

"I don't know," I replied softly, wincing as my wounds protested my crumpled position on the floor.

"You don't? But you called him-"

"Dave," Karkat interrupted, "Just shut your protein chute. Shut up. We are all tired and confused. Now go tell Rose and Jade that John is sleeping and I have gone to wake him up."

I wanted to spare Karkat a grateful expression but he appeared just… done with this entire situation. Done and exhausted. The bags under his eyes and the cut on his arm only made him look even worse.

"Why should I-" Dave started but I cut him off before he could protest.

"Please, Dave," I pleaded. Meeting my eyes with guilt and annoyance, he sighed.

"Fine. But only for you John. You guys should probably be down in half an hour. I hear we are ordering pizza." With that he left my room and shut the door reluctantly. I sighed heavily and Karkat hesitantly gripped my hand. Smiling, I gripped his hand tightly.

I needed all the reassurance that I could get. What Jack left me wasn't what I wanted to here. It was the opposite.

"This isn't over yet. I hope you treasure what you have now because I fear a familiar and rather bloody sense of déjà vu is going to soon plague your fake future. A disease is going to come soon that will ruin you for good. I guarantee it."


	10. It's a Guaranteed Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing Jack once more was similar to having ice inserted into your veins. Each cell in my being froze and back tracked to the past. The feeling was like being incapable of breathing, air being forced into an icy confinement. Quick recollection and a brief, very unwanted sense of deja vu brought back the all too familiar emotions of what happened during our final battle. The fear, the concern, the doubt crashed like a rushing torrent in the storm of the fucking century, but it also retrieved the absolute vengeance and rage that came with each death that passed back then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting in a while. I posted the next chapter on Fanfiction.net, but I have been rather lazy in posting it here. I hope you guys like the chapter because everything I wrote seemed absolutely wrong.

Karkat POV

Seeing Jack once more was similar to having ice inserted into your veins. Each cell in my being froze and back tracked to the past. The feeling was like being incapable of breathing, air being forced into an icy confinement. Quick recollection and a brief, very unwanted sense of deja vu brought back the all too familiar emotions of what happened during our final battle. The fear, the concern, the doubt crashed like a rushing torrent in the storm of the fucking century, but it also retrieved the absolute vengeance and rage that came with each death that passed back then.

Seriously, what did you expect? For me to suddenly drop my friend's death like some discarded trash or low blood because they are no longer dead? If anything, their resurrection only fueled my rage. It kind of came with being the unwanted low blood of the troll caste; holding vengeance until the cause it dealt with.

The slaughter of my friends and even family in some sense drove the blistering anger to my very core and being, going all the way back to when I realized I was different than the others.

What Jack Noir did was nothing short of a heartless maneuver to string everything and anything I held dear on a silver platter of "welcome to your own personal fucking nightmares you miserable wriggler".

All of my friends, and those I wasn't even sure were even friends anymore, surrounding me in a colorful death. Breaths being reduced to silence. Chests heaving no longer. Eyes not even seeing what they stared at eternally. The ultimate trauma came back with vicious reveries and that was probably the only reason I didn't remain like Dave had.

Because, despite my previous fears, I still felt the need to stop Jack. It was a brand seared into my mind despite the revoking of my previous leadership title. The pure protectiveness and thriving revenge jolted my body into action and that was probably the best thing to have happened in that moment.

Because I know for a fucking fact that Dave wouldn't have done a damn thing. After all, he didn't remember facing Noir. He didn't remember losing his brother or going god tier. He didn't have the experience. Sure he might have fought eventually, but by the time he would shuffle his useless ass over Noir could have killed John and I in more seconds. The sacrifice John made would have been all for naught if another blood bath out of the battlefield was the only change.

Speaking of the idiot, John was nothing short of contradictory in the face down I wasn't sure we would even win in the first place.

To say I was surprised when John used his god tier powers on the villain was an understatement. It was like saying Rose is only a little bit of a meddler or Kanaya was only mediocre at her fashion creations. John, the same John that was practically mentally unstable with all the shit he went through, standing up to Jack and tossing projectile after projectile of air at the stunned man was the last thing I expected of him.

I wasn't nearly as blind as I was when I had first heard of John's confession of becoming a troll overnight. Obliviousness left me the second that John held up his hands to defend himself. Denial fled soon after when I saw his crimson blood spill all over the floor like some sort of horror story come to life. John was unstable mentally and I had no doubt Jack was at fault for this.

Nonetheless, this didn't stop him from challenging Jack and demanding him to leave.

It wasn't just the powers either. The overall aura John emitted at that moment sent a familiar shiver of power in the air. The powerful wave that explained why John was the heir of breath. The same power that drove the oil away from his land and scattered it throughout time. That raw power that I envied just slightly but silently watched in awe (although I wasn't ever going to fucking admit that to him). Great personality came with the great power which was a sight definitely. I didn't know about useless Strider, but I was definitely impressed. Determination filled John's eyes along with all the emotions I had felt at that moment. For those brief moments, he was exactly as he was when he faced Jack Noir in our final battle.

Those final moments where everyone was dead and I was… MIA. Despite the fear and grief of loss, he still had the will to stand up to one of the most powerful bosses on the game. Power flowing around him and shifting his figure in and out of existence as the glare focused on Jack aimed to kill. That John from back then reflected on the John now.

I knew it wasn't going to last long. Nobody went from being screwed up to perfectly healthy in just a few minutes, I was no exception. However, it was surprising to see it at all.

When Jack left, it filled me with absolute rage that battled with relief. I knew none of us were ready to fight him but at the same time I was pissed off that he decided to flee like a coward. He pulled the disappearing act and left before he could get hurt. It was infuriating and I wanted to scream out his name and curse any and all qualities he held. Gog it was tempting. So many colorful synonyms to "cowardly bastard" came to my mind quickly and readily and it took all my will to bite on them.

It's funny how the tables turned. A practical godly-resembling being running from a low blood and a regular (not even god tier) one at that. It did bring a faint smirk knowing that they had surprised him. Fucking Noir had remained on his high pedestal for too long and it was about time he had been staggered. It was time for him to pay his dues as the humans liked to put it.

I was so caught in my aura of satisfaction that I didn't notice John calling to me until his voice was all but strained at the volume.

"Karkat."

Blinking, I glanced at John. It was like looking at a corpse, or pretty close to it. His gray skin seemed to pale closer to almost a ghostly white. Shadows crept under his eyes that made me wonder if he actually slept when I left. He was visibly shaking like what happened earlier drained him. For all I knew, it probably had.

I wasn't even sure when the last time he felt that powerful was. Considering his history post-SBURB, I would assume little to never.

"Karkat…" he nudged me and I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, Egbert?"

John averted his gaze to stare at the door that had closed behind Strider. "Uh… Do you…" he paused, licking his lips. "Do you remember the game?"

I thought it was pretty obvious. I mean, what how I acted to Jack Noir was definitely not how my wimpy, annoying past self would have acted prior to the game. That one probably would have gotten the hell out of there or called for help. He certainly would not have advanced Jack because it was stupidly reckless. Almost suicidal.

John's lips were in a tight line and through his hand that rested on mine – out of pure comfort mind you – I could feel his body tense. Taking a deep breath, I sighed loudly and brushed my hand through my hair.

"Yeah. I do."

John nodded. "How? I mean, if you don't mind me-" I shook my head, cutting him off.

Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back to rest against his bed. The last thing I wanted to do was physically talk about it. It brought too much emotions that I didn't want stirred. But John needed to hear this.

He wasn't going to simply believe me by my just saying I remember. That'd be too easy.

"The battle with Noir. You remember that right? The final battle." John nodded and I continued, feeling the anger cause small tremors to escape through my control. "During the battle, I was side by side with Terezi. We were battling the goons at the moment, focusing on getting rid of the smaller monsters so they weren't a problem. Our backs were to each other until one of Jack's blows from up ahead split us off. Kind of like a wave of power that polarized us.

"All at once, I was alone. Most of the smaller monsters were dealt with, but I had no clue where Terezi had been sent to on the battlefield. I decided to face Jack but it seems he decided to get rid of me first. I…"

I paused but not for effect. The tremors that rolled off me had made talking almost impossible. I clenched my teeth, filtering deep breaths through the gaps and letting it out. This was why I hated this. Remembering the battle made me incapable with all the raw anger I felt. The fury of being absolutely fucking useless.

"I turned around and Jack was already there, his sword up to stab me. I knew I didn't have a chance to bring up my sickles in time. So I braced myself. Terezi… she shouted for me and before I knew it, she was in front of me, the blade piercing through her and barely poking my chest. It was a clean stab."

I ran a hand over my face, rubbing the exhaustion and tears that threatened to form although my shaking hand made little difference.

"Jack was furious and that was putting it lightly. His rage propelled an aura of power that once again knocked me off my feet and, as pathetic as it sounds, I hit my head wrong and slipped into unconsciousness. I wasn't killed. I was just incapacitated."

My eyes found John's but his gaze was veiled. I didn't know what he was thinking, whether he blamed himself for my flaws or whether he felt sympathetic. "When I awoke, I saw you. You were going one by one through all of us, lining us up and making us look as if we were… sleeping. Then you looked up, talking to something, and a bright light was shed." I didn't bother mentioning how absolutely wretched John looked nor the fact that he seemed deader than all of us. It wasn't going to help the situation.

I closed my eyes again, mostly to keep the images of his past form restricted to my mind and not reflected on his real self. "When I awoke next, I found out I was the only one who remembered the battle. The end."

John was eerily quiet after my confession. I could barely hear his breathing. It was impossible to decipher if his silence was pity, sympathy, or personal contemplation. For all I knew, and for all I experienced, he could be blaming himself for this. Gog, if he was-

"How did you do it?" The question was small but significant. The kind of question I knew was not resembling any of what just happened mere minutes ago but of our previously forgotten past. It was a question regarding the unfinished memories everyone had seemingly been left in the dark.

So I laughed bitterly, and shook my head, standing. "How did I deal with everyone forgetting and knowing it was my stupidity that got them killed? It's simple." I reached down and helped John up. When he was safely standing without any traces of possibly falling, I backed away and crossed my arms over my chest. A scowl crossed my face but it wasn't for John. "I didn't."

John's eyes widened in confusion but he didn't probe further. I didn't know if I wanted him to.

Instead, he peered at his arms, at the bandages on his arms and then looked anxiously at the door. I could see what he was thinking like an open book. Rose and Jade didn't know about this. The only ones that did were Dave and I and I honestly didn't see Dave look at those bandages when we were having our personal strife in John's room. It was like he was personally trying to avoid looking at them.

Of course he would I thought with bitter amusement, He was the guilty party after all.

Silently, I crossed to my bag in the corner of John's room and pulled open the strings. Shuffling a few things to the side, I pulled out one of my black long sleeved shirts, one of the few without my cancer symbol on it, and tossed it to John. He caught it with ease.

"Put it on. It will cover the markings." John nodded, and slid it on. A faint reddish color painted his cheeks when his head popped through the opening.

I opened the door and together we descended the stairs.

When we approached the kitchen, it was obvious something had distinctively changed. The atmosphere was tense. Too tense. It was like the air was suddenly solid. Beside me, I could see John's movements stop abruptly as he glanced cautiously around him.

Rose and Jade were sitting at the table, although their food was left untouched. Dave was pointedly not looking at us.

I wanted to laugh. Gog, Strider was on a fucking roll today.

"You told them, didn't you?" It wasn't a question. It was far from a question because it wasn't one. It was a statement at this point. I let a scowl grace my features when Dave visibly prepared for his defense. However, before I could personally chew out his idiocy, John was already at his throat, metaphorically speaking I mean.

"You told them?!" He hissed venomously and I could feel the flinch that shook Strider.

In a second, he was standing. "Of course I did! John, you saw that guy. You saw him and you even… God, I don't even know what you did! How was I to keep this a secret?"

John's eyes were ice as his face fell into expressionless anger. "By keeping your mouth shut." Everyone turned to look at John and even I rose a brow at John's out of character emotions.

Dave's entire posture stiffened at the chilled response. "How was I to know to keep it quiet, John? Explain that to me. How was I to get any hint that this was supposed to be a fucking secret between you, me, and Karkat?"

John's mouth ran before his brain could stop him. It was obvious when I heard the response.

"You would have known if you had remembered."

The room fell to silence and John's eyes widened as he realized what he said. I could see the thought of running back to his room cross John's thoughts and I grabbed his forearm before he could turn. I made sure it was an area where his injuries were the least painful.

John met my eyes and I shook my head. Taking a deep breath, John closed his eyes and nodded. I let go and John left the kitchen, going over to the couch furthest from the room.

That's when I turned to meet the scrutiny.

Rose was, as expected, emotionless although a brief amount of confusion and curiosity appeared in her eyes ever so briefly.

Jade, however, seemed to be more worried about John which was nice because for a while I thought I was the only one at this point.

Dave was another matter altogether. He was entirely stiff, watching John from where he stood. I couldn't see his eyes from behind those shades, but the visible symptoms of being utterly shakened was all too familiar.

Because when had the thought of remembering crossed his mind?

For all they knew, they had remembered everything.

Oh the naivety of my friends was painful when it was ripped apart. However, I wasn't sure if I would be so kind as to assert Dave as my friend by this point.

"So, that had happened," I spoke first, breaking the silence. Leaning back, I rested my back against the wall and crossed my arms. "And I'm going to safely assume that Strider had told you everything."

"He did," Rose responded, mirroring my motion and folding her arms on the table in front of her. "From the point you and he had entered John's room until he left."

I wanted to laugh but adhered to scoffing.

"So, basically short of everything. Great," I looked pointedly at Dave now. "Did you tell them anything else you weren't supposed to?" I knew that he got what I meant and his head turned sharply, his eyes, I imagined, glaring right at me.

"No. I didn't."

I smiled ruefully. "That's good. I was afraid that your protein chute took a drastic turn for the worst since what you said to me in your room." I paused and added as an afterthought. "Oh, and for your information, I won't be helping you now."

Dave bristled at the answer and stalked out of the room. I wanted to roll my eyes. Really. Did he always do that when he couldn't handle something? Run off and sulk? Please. Nobody has time for that and with Jack back we certainly have less than we previously thought.

"Karkat." I looked up and saw Rose's eyes narrow in seriousness. "Seeing as you are openly irritated by Dave's confession, I would like to ask if it is alright if we progress to talk more of the subject."

At this I did roll my eyes, mentally mocking her question.

"Yes, since the cat is out of the bag as you humans put it." My tone was clipped but I didn't put any effort in fixing it. This was no matter to talk so calmly about. Not with what happened before. "Ask away, Lalonde."

It was around this point that Jade decided to leave the room and go sit with John. I expected her to leave sooner to be honest since she never liked seeing any of her friends in distress. None of us made any open acknowledgement of her leaving.

Rose brought a glass to get lips and took a small sip. She closed her eyes and when she placed the glass noiselessly down against the table, she opened her eyes to meet mine.

"Who is Jack Noir?"

I tensed automatically and felt John's gaze burn holes into the back or my head. "I don't remember giving you that name. At all." I knew I hadn't spoken that God forsaken name in fact. The name "Jack" may have been mentioned at one point during Dave's female gossiping, but the Noir addition was a stretch.

Rose smiled though it didn't reach her eyes. "You didn't. For some reason the name just... came to me you could say. Plucked it out the air, I mean." I could easily call bullshit but bit my tongue.

"Okay," I spoke slowly, carefully. "He's basically a man who obtained too much power from various sources. Not to mention he has screwed up so many lives and ruined more. An asshole to sum it up completely." Rose's delicate brow rose at my vague answer but I didn't endeavor to bridge her curiosity. Sorry, but I wasn't going to give out their memories that quickly.

"And yet, from what Dave has told me, John and you seemed to realize fairly quickly exactly who this being was. Am I to assume that you have history?"

More than you can truly know I wanted to say but again bit my tongue. Instead, I rolled my eyes. "Yes. Nightmares. We all get them. For some reason he likes to mess with our minds. Who knows why since none of us are exactly prime subjects."

The look Rose gave me was proof she didn't believe me.

Rolling my eyes, I returned Lalonde's disbelieving stare. "Is that all?"

I saw a scowl briefly flit across her face before returning to impasse. "Yes."

"Great. I'm glad we had this talk. I'm just… going to go talk to John." I nodded to her and walked away to where the boy was currently cuddled on the couch, Jade giggling next to him.

Before I could sit down I felt Rose tap my shoulder.

"If you ever need to speak to anyone… my doors are always open."

"As I am aware," I replied snidely and she smirked.

With that, she walked up the stairs and towards somewhere. I didn't really care where she went as long as she wasn't trying to get information out of me. At this point it was like she was straining juice out of me like squeezing fruit.

Plopping on one of the empty couches, I let out a sigh. Both of the ecto-siblings peered up at me as if finally realizing my sudden presence.

Jade, backing away from their cuddle, scooted away and crossed her legs on the cushions.

"So," she began. "Is this… Jack Noir guy a threat? Like, mega-apocalyptic threat?" She wasn't asking anyone in particular from what I could tell, but I didn't see John answering the question so I shrugged.

"Maybe." Yes. He was definitely a threat. More than they would know for now.

"Like, from one to ten, how bad is he?"

Gog she was trying to squeeze out something. I was about to send out a snarky remark when John opened his mouth.

"We've only met him once in real life, Jade. We kind of don't know for sure."

Harley let out a sigh and sank into the cushions. Whatever she was trying to get out of us wasn't being spoken I guess.

I shrugged and closed my eyes, sinking into the couch as well. It's not like I had anything else planned.

Of course in this moment of peace Lalonde would come running down once again. She was out of breath and her attire was more than out of order in her standards. She was carrying a laptop in her hands and from the looks of it, she were using that human interface "Skype" to chat. Dave, although less energetic, was behind her.

"What is it?" I asked as Rose placed the electronic on the coffee table. She attached some cords and wires to the television and I watched as the same screen on the computer reflected on the television. I couldn't hide the sigh of relief as I saw Kanaya's face.

"Tell them what you told me, Kanaya." My brows furrowed as I looked at Kanaya and I mean really looked at her.

She had dark shadows under her eyes and the normal make up she applied was either smeared or not on in general. Her hair was like she just woke up but it was obvious she hadn't slept in days at least.

That wasn't much of an eye catcher.

The blood on her face, however, was a different story.

It was a mixture of her blood and some purple, olive, and fuscia. In other words, something had happened to Nepeta, Gamzee, and Feferi. Again.

Kanaya looked around the room and let out a small, exhausted smile.

"Good morning, everyone. I'm sorry to barge in on your afternoon routine, but I fear we have a bit of a problem on our end." This time her gaze fell on my face. "Gamzee, it seems, is missing."

John and I exchanged looks of mixed fear and worry. Missing? The last time Gamzee went missing everything went to hell and back.

"And what about the injuries, Kanaya?" I asked, leaning on my knees.

Kanaya blinked before sighing. "I suppose it would be too much to ask for it to be ignored, no?" After a second, she rotated the camera and I realized she wasn't alone in her room.

On the bed was Nepeta, however, she was either sleeping or unconscious. A bandage was wrapped around her forehead and a few more were on her arms. A piece of gauze was pressed to her throat. Equius was by her side, as would be expected.

Next to her, albeit conscious, was Feferi. She just had a few marks on her face and legs. She looked more pissed than anything.

"As you can see, we have managed to sustain injuries. According to Equius, and I have no certainty as to how reliable his point of view is, somebody came to visit Gamzee. A dark figure with wings and a sword in his stomach." I could feel John's and Dave's gaze fall on me but I ignored them. "Afterward, Equius approached Gamzee to request the dark individual's identity when he just… snapped." I saw Kanaya wince.

"Nepeta, having been with Equius, threw herself in front of him to take the majority of the blows. Feferi came out of her room as she heard the noise and caught some injuries herself, but most of it was to drag Nepeta out of harm as Equius more or less assaulted Gamzee. From what I heard and have seen, Equius has no marks, but Gamzee may not be as lucky."

"And then he was gone," I deadpanned and Kanaya's smile fell grim as she nodded.

"Quite. We have no idea where he is or where he could have gone. We just know that it was due to the black man's doing."

And just like that, I was reminded of the stupid memento Jack Noir left me in his exit.

Do you really think a blank slate could relieve you of your horrors? You are blatantly mistaken and I will guarantee the pain and misery to come back in accuracy and bloodshed.

I shuddered and was grateful nobody caught it.

"And what about you? You don't look so good yourself, Maryam."

Kanaya smiled. "I'm fine. I'm just tired in all honesty. You've only been there for a day, correct? In that time, it seems it's been a week here."

"Time is moving forward? I thought we had synced time fairly well." The last time we had time issues was during the actual game. Since then we were almost spot on with time on Earth to Alternia, give or take a few seconds.

She shrugged. "I don't have the faintest idea, honestly. All I know is something big is happening and I have a feeling this is in correlation to our lost memories and lost relatives."

Dave, who had been silent till now, spoke up. "Is there anything we can do to speed up the process then? To get our memories back I mean." I didn't have to be a mind reader to know he was talking about what transpired between him and John not 10 minutes earlier.

Kanaya and Rose looked at each other for a moment before Rose spoke.

"Actually, we may have an idea, but it's not going to be easy."

Dave laughed. "Like anything up till now has been easy."


	11. The Last One to Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It turns out that "triggering the memory" involved Lalonde's favorite activities.
> 
> Therapeutic sessions and meddling. Of course.
> 
> It was to be expected that she would take any chance to talk things over. Her door was "always open" as she likes to remind, but I doubted anybody actually went to her unless absolutely necessary. This was like bringing her profession or job home instead of waiting for the unwilling patients.
> 
> So now we unwilling patients are here unable to flee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello. I apologize dearly for the lack of punctuality in my updates. Summer is not as free as I would like it to be. I'm getting ready for a convention (San Japan) in a few weeks and in the middle of looking for a job. Kind of a busy summer.
> 
> Anyhow, I have had this on my OneDrive for a while now. It just wasn't edited and even now I'm questioning it. This chapter is borderline filler and it's not that good compared to everything else I suppose, but it does play a part. It's just, like my other stories, not going to be an immediate part in the story.
> 
> These kids though. Ugh, they are killing me. I fear they will become OOC soon enough and hopefully that won't happen. *sigh*
> 
> But yes. Here's the update you all have long deserved.

Chapter 11

It turns out that "triggering the memory" involved Lalonde's favorite activities.

Therapeutic sessions and meddling. Of course.

It was to be expected that she would take any chance to talk things over. Her door was "always open" as she likes to remind, but I doubted anybody actually went to her unless absolutely necessary. This was like bringing her profession or job home instead of waiting for the unwilling patients.

So now we unwilling patients are here unable to flee.

I wasn't finding this entertaining to say the least. In fact, I almost wished that, by some miracle, I was zapped back to Alternia. Sure, I would have to deal with a possible rampaging Gamzee all over again, but it was better by a tenfold than being psychologically analyzed by this broad.

Scratch that. It was debatable on that problem. I held back the temptation to shiver at the memory of Gamzee killing almost everyone one by one. At least with Lalonde no one is dying physically and eternally. Instead, we were just dying mentally on the inside.

To say I was annoyed and not amused was putting it lightly.

John looked even less amused than I did, but at least he was better at acting than I was. His face was carefully blank with little brief moments of confusion and concern like the rest of the humans. Occasionally he would shift in his seat or change positions, maybe poke at his new troll teeth in obvious discomfort, but I knew that he was more or less in the same area of emotions as I was.

For one, I knew that he remembered and I was the only one who knows this. Rose's meddling often induced some sort of instinctual whisper that told nothing but the cold truth. John didn't want his secret to be revealed and it's not like I could really blame him.

However, I didn't really give a fuck if I appeared like some grumbling wriggler. Tantrums were far up on my list of to-do's that I was tempted to throw one. Curses of every colorful sort mixed in with some troll terms these humans could never understand.

Because, really.

Who likes to be analyzed?

Crossing my arms, I fumed silently in the cushion of the couch. I stared ahead at my reflection in the television, ignoring the small tapping sounds of a pen hitting a clipboard.

Lalonde had decided that the best place to do it was here, as in the living room. Probably because we were all here and not separated. Rounding in the prey for her predatory attack.

I flicked my glare over to Rose and found her smirking at me.

She knew something and I wasn't sure if I liked it. No, wait. I _knew_ I wouldn't like it. There was no uncertainty about it.

Exchanging looks with John, I found him leaning his head back against the couch, eyes closed. Dave, after glancing in my direction, was staring at John as if trying to figure him out.

Sighing, I sank further into the seat. It's not like I had anything better I could be doing. No, absolutely not. You know, like figuring out where the fuck Gamzee was or seeing if any of my other friends was injured. Yeah, totally. I had all the time in the world to be in this pity party.

"Karkat?" I peered over to Lalonde's observing gaze. She was already writing something down. Of course she was. "Do you have anything to admit before we continue?"

"Like how stupid this whole thing is? I don't have any rational ideas as to how this could help you retrieve your memories."

I froze.

Fuck.

I said, "your" as if I already had memories, which I did. I didn't want them to know that.

I could feel everybody's gazes on me as I glared holes into my reflection.

Just play it off.

In reality, had I not froze then they probably would have safely skidded by my little mess up. It would have gone unnoticed. I just had to be the idiot to immediately curse my mistake instead of playing it off. I knew that I was a goner the second Lalonde allowed a grin to manifest on her lips.

"Your?" Rose quoted.

"A slip of words, Lalonde. To be honest, I'm just quite frankly not too keen on remembering my memories as much as you humans seem to be. I'm happy being oblivious. Who knows what happened in the gap of memories? I think I'll pass knowing."

"Really." It wasn't a question.

Bristling I glared at her, "Yes, really. What if somebody _died_ ? What if, oh I don't know, the world fucking ended or some shit and it was our fault? Right now we are mentally stable and probably as happy as we can be. If we remember, who knows what will happen? Strider may lose it. Harley could go clinically insane. Egbert could absolutely go on a killing spree."

"You're overreacting, Karkat," Rose hummed with a sharp, unamused stare.

"Am I?" I challenged.

Lalonde said nothing as she met my eyes. I could see the gears working behind her scrutiny. Her mind was trying to work around it. After a minute, I found myself deflated of my sudden defensive argument. I still hadn't slept since the whole thing with Jack Noir. No amount of anger and adrenaline was going to keep me going long.

I guess that's more of a reason to get this done quickly.

Sighing, I snapped my fingers to catch Rose's attention. She blinked and focused.

"What is it? What do you think I'm doing because apparently telling the truth isn't one of them?"

Rose shrugged a delicate shoulder. "Lying. Hiding. Fibbing. Any synonym that could possibly mean the same definition as not telling the truth."

I laughed. "And how could you possibly know that? We don't have some lie detector device."

"Actually," she smiled. "We do."

I waited for her to clarify but instead she reached for a cup of tea she brewed before this and took a nice long sip. I could feel the questions rolling off everybody. It was tangible like we could pluck one out of the sky and it would manifest into letters immediately.

Eventually, she put the glass down and continued.

"Remember when we spoke earlier, Karkat? How I told you I plucked Noir out the nowhere? The look of disbelief on your face was amusing, might I add." I rolled my eyes but nodded. "I was telling a half-truth. In reality, I myself remember most of my memories, or at least the sort affiliated with me once I retrieved my role of Seer of Light. In theory, that might as well be a whole of it, correct?"

The room was quiet for a moment as everybody took it in.

And then all the shit hit the fan as the two who felt out of the loop filled in the silence.

"How could you remember and not tell us?" Dave sputtered after a second. His face looked comical with his mouth agape and eyebrows almost grazing his hairline.

"When did you remember?" Jade added with wide, confused eyes.

"How did you do it?"

"Is there a method?"

Rose raised her hand and the outburst fell back to silence. She was writing something down, although whatever it was I didn't have the slightest clue.

John and I remained quiet as we exchanged looks of differing emotions. I was surprised, to say the least, maybe a tinge proud to be honest and smug, but mostly shocked by how _abrupt_ this all seemed to wrap up. Not a day ago did John contact me to come over due to his change in species and now it seemed like everything was on a road of fast forward scenes.

I mean, really. All it took was the change shot at John, a change that I was positive was Jack Noir's fault, and it seemed the fragile peace kept between all parties was finally coming to an end. Jack's intervention and Rose remembering her past was only going to be the beginning. It was fucking rocket science. Jack Noir wasn't exactly known for being slow and subtle.

So, yeah. I was shocked but not by the memories too much. It was more like the entire situation.

However, the amount of disbelief on John's face mixed with adamant worry and fear was shocking. It was as if he heard the world breaking at the seams. His precious deal made with someone I cannot remember for the life of me was slipping out of his fingers.

It was really hard to look at those wide blue eyes and not think of what transpired earlier today.

If anything, I feared it would happen _again_ with how unstable this boy was.

Ugh, Egbert. Idiot.

When I glanced at Lalonde again, a little miffed by her lack of commentary. She was watching us, me in particular. I had no doubts she had witnessed the exchange and had her own points of interest written down on her board.

"Lalonde?" I asked wearily. I was a little creeped out by the silence. It was uncharacteristically like her.

"Rose?" Dave followed just as careful although I could hear the ecto-sibling worry.

Rose didn't speak to either of us and after a minute the room fell to silence again

Taking a sip of her tea, she sighed and then spoke. "This is why I said if wanted to talk you can come to me. I would have told you all sooner, but who would confide their issues in a pestering broad?" She smirked but it was half-hearted. I could see the reflection of past sadness and grimaced internally.

No wonder John didn't want them to remember.

I glanced at her and sighed in turn. Even I could hear the defeat in the light breathy release. Maybe I wasn't in the mood to be defensive or fight back. I didn't know. All I knew was that the cat is out of the bag… again and I really had no other ways to counter it on the top of my think pan.

To be honest, there were to be no more defenses left if Rose could remember everything past her ascension to God Tier. That was basically three-fourths of the entire game. She could just pluck a memory and I would be screwed.

So, I stomped on my pride and bit the bullet with a scowl.

"I guess the ruse is over then. You knew that I remembered from the beginning." She shrugged and crossed her legs.

"I didn't know for certain, no. I had my suspicions when you first came for John because of your attitude, but I became more certain this morning."

"With the Jack Noir question?"

"The Jack Noir _statement_ ," she corrected firmly. "But yes, quite. It was an easy little addition to test your memory and you passed." I didn't know whether to be pleased or regrettable about that fact.

On the plus side, I wouldn't have to feign ignorance any more around the humans, and John, at least. No more lying about being a leader, something I failed at from the very beginning. I could just be myself and thank fucking Gog for that.

At least she didn't know about John. It would kill him if they found out. As much as I hated to admit it, he had changed and not for the better. He was weaker, unstable (I will say this again and again), and could not hold confrontation on two feet without a support beam of some sort. The leader in him was buried, as shown by its brief resurface in front of Jack, and John seemed to have no means to blow off the dust.

Not that I could blame him. Out of all of us, it was obvious who got the short end of the stick.

So when I heard Lalonde say, "As well as one other", I cursed to myself.

John flinched out of the corner of my eye and I adverted my gaze to look accusingly at Rose.

Did she not get his status right now? I thought it was pretty fucking _palpable_ (big words. Kanaya would be proud) that John couldn't handle everyone knowing. Seer? She might as well be blind.

I winced at the sharpness of my thoughts. When had I grown so defensive of the derp? I didn't remember that ever being a thing in the game. When had that ever occurred? What we had was purely platonic and here I was acting almost borderline possessive of him.

Fuck.

Okay, not here. I can't worry about this here. John may need some sort of moral support and currently I'm it. Get your head in the game, as the humans say, Vantas.

When I glared at Rose, her face softened at the object of her inflictions.

"John. Look at me." The look of a forced poker face over John's face was almost painful to look at. He was trying not to let anything seep through. Of course, he was. He never had a _reason_ to give information of his past. "Why didn't you tell us?"

He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as if ashamed. Only he would be ashamed of keeping information. "I didn't want you all to remember?"

I saw Strider flinch so fast at that remark I did a double take. The mirrored look of hurt on Jade's face made me eternally glad I wasn't in John's shoes.

However, Rose simply nodded.

"You didn't want us to remember the pain?" She acquiesced and John hesitated before reciprocating the nod from earlier.

"So, wait," Dave interrupted. "How did you guys remember? I mean, why did you guys get your memories back but Jade and I didn't?" Now wasn't that the million dollar question.

John smiled thinly. "It just came to me one morning after I thought about the wind. I blacked out and then I awoke with my memories. All of them."

I wanted to groan. Groan and bang my head several times against the back of the couch. John chose to hide what he did _again_. He chose to ignore the fact that they wanted to know and that Rose could probably detect BS a mile away at this point. His friends are probably more open now than they will ever be and he's choosing to keep himself quiet.

He was choosing to not confide in them and I found that idiotic at this point. Heroics can only go so far before it's more like nullifying. At first I considered him to be a damn _martyr_ , but now it was almost borderline foolish.

When I glared at John and shook my head, I could see him shrivel under my disapproval. As much as I wanted to regret it, John was a fucking idiot if he was going to keep hiding things. He was digging himself a grave and soon those secrets were going to bury him themselves.

"Karkat?" I forced my gaze from John to Jade and shrugged.

"Something at the end of the game changed how my memories acted. That's all I can think of." It was a half-truth, but I couldn't really tell the full story without speaking John's part as well. Damn him for making things more difficult than they need to be.

"Really?" Jade's brows furrowed in confusion and I nodded.

"Really. I passed out in the game and woke up in my hive the next second like it was some nightmare. Except, as you can guess, I kept my memories. I don't know how that's possible but yeah." Gog I'm such a gifted liar and I knew I shouldn't be proud of that.

"Rose?" Mr. Cool-kid questioned, clearing his throat as if the confession parched him.

She simply hummed, drinking her tea quietly. I rolled my eyes and awaited her answer.

"Rose," Dave repeated. I could feel the impatience in his tone. "How did you remember?"

She sighed.

"Out of what I did best: pestering and deducing, however the latter mostly applied to how I achieved my goal. Minor facts here and there that enacted themselves as stepping stones."

I was interested. I mean, compared the fact that I only had my memories from not blatantly dying back in the battle against Noir, it was something new. Rose took things into her own hands and succeeded fairly well. However, it was only expected of her aspect and class.

"What do you mean?"

Rose leaned back and placed her hands on her lap. "I took what I did best and used it to create assumptions toward further actions. A simple, yet meticulous, process if I must admit. I only received what I have obtained as my past a week ago with this."

"Care to explain the process then?" Dave further questioned and the clearly unamused look Lalonde gave him was priceless.

"Certainly, _my dear_." She affirmed sarcastically before continuing. "I deduced that I was fairly good at judging people and figuring out what to ask and getting the information I needed. Additionally, one could assume I'm skilled in manipulation and invite understanding with my own methods. That much is a fact and basically my being."

She took another drink of her tea. "I used this fact and broadened it, mostly during a silent session of day dreaming."

Dave interrupted with reflection. "So all those times you were supposedly doing homework…"

She smiled. "You're so gullible. Yes, I was day dreaming to figure out myself. You see, it's like taking care of a plant. You start out with an idea, a sapling in this metaphor, and you water it and watch it expand. However, much like a plant, it takes a while for it to actually bear fruit which is why my branching out didn't allow me to receive my memories until this point."

After a minute, she sighed. "I would have had you two join me if you both hadn't taken my talking and all in such a bad light. I suppose with my… fluxing history, it's no reason why." She smiled but it was humorless. Nevertheless, I could see she was proud of what she had done. Shit, even I was proud of what she did. She took little information and then achieved greatness with that.

Dave and Jade clearly were not holding the same pride I felt for her, which was understandable in their cases. I mean, they were the only ones in the dark now. Out of the loop, so to speak.

"So, now that you have most of you… memories back, are you going to help us?" Dave leaned in, looking pointedly at his ecto-biological sister.

She smiled back. "Of course, David. Who would I be if I didn't? First, we should address who you were prior to the scratch."

"Scratch?" Jade repeated questioningly.

"The end and the beginning of our new and old lives," Rose clarified before looking at John. "Right?"

He nodded with a small, strained smile. I knew that it wasn't an easy topic for him. Of course, it wasn't. He experienced everyone dying in front of him. I doubt he wants to remember that much less the name of said time where he changed the entire _history_ of the game.

After a second, I decided to speak for him. "So, titles and aspects, right? That would be the easiest topic to breach for your small think pans at this moment. Any harder stuff and it could damage you." John gave me a flitting smile and I shrugged.

"So, titles," Dave began and I rolled my eyes.

Rose, once again, looked at John.

"John, I believe Karkat's memory as well as yours is better than my own at the current moment. Would you care to explain who you were as well as Karkat?"

John shrugged stiffly. "Sure I guess." He took a deep breath. "Dave was the Knight of Time. Jade, you were the Witch of Space. I was the Heir of Breath and Karkat was also a Knight, like Dave, but his aspect was Blood."

"A knight?" Dave clarified like he couldn't believe it. Knowing him, he was probably thinking of knights as in "knights in shining armor" or the type that saved princesses from dragons. If only the game's style was like that.

"Mm hmm," Rose hummed, nodding and glancing at myself.

"What?" I rose my brow and she pursed her lips thoughtfully.

"Actually, since the both of you are knights, why don't you try to help him remember his role using his title, Karkat? I can help Jade with myself being a seer and all. It will be quicker this way and we know that time is not on our side in this moment." She glanced at John. "John can kind of… go from one to the other as he sees fit."

The pop of my jaw only seemed to be reflection of Strider's clenched one. The displeasure was practically tangible.

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to talk with Strider of all people. From the very beginning, he and I did not get along well. Between him running off when John was revealed a troll – by some means I still don't fucking understand – to the open mouth he suddenly spawned which told everything and anything everyone so much as _wondered_. As much as I hated to say it, I disliked this Strider very much.

Which, I guess, should have spurred me to bring the other one back. I mean, he was more mature and had more experience, however, I didn't know how John would deal with this.

The expression on his face was already mixing between pretense and reality and I could see the fear cracking through.

I sighed.

But like Lalonde explained, we didn't have the time for me to hold a childish but justified grudge against the shady human. The video feed with Kanaya explained that much.

When I looked at Strider, I had to hold back a bark of laughter.

He didn't look too enthused about this either. His brows were furrowed and his mouth was in a thin line. I could see the reluctance and agreed to it.

This was going to go _perfectly_. We were _totally_ going to get things done.

I highly doubted it.

Standing, I stretched and began to make my way up the stairs, shouting down the stairs as I ascended, "Come on, Strider. Let's go to your room. It might be the best place to start since that's where it began for you."

Where it, in actuality, began for everyone.

Dave followed sulkily but determined. I was impressed that he was also putting his own petty grudges aside like I did. Great. I didn't want to have to break that shell before continuing. Gog only knows he was as stubborn as basically _everyone_ in this fucking game.

Shutting the door, Dave plopped down on his chair in front of his laptop.

I didn't hesitate to begin the lesson.

"Okay," I began. "Knights for Dummies 101." I sat down on the bed because this was going to take a long time to explain.

"Knights are the ones who exploit with an aspect, if that makes any sense," I began and began gesturing as I continued, "They are truly skilled with their aspect, but 'wrongfully' (air quotes) fear they are actually useless and just not hard enough. They hide their perceived failure behind a mental shield in order to appear competent to others." I took a deep breath and sighed. "At least, that is from the words of Kanaya from pre-scratch."

Dave didn't make any notions of speaking so I continued.

I pointed to myself. "I am the Knight of Blood. As you humans know, blood can be associated with flesh, flags, metal, rings, united, connection, stability, etc. At the beginning, I never shared my blood color. Even now, I will not share it unless necessary. Towards the end, that changed. I rose above that one weakness and acknowledged my strengths while looking back at my failures. That's, apparently, the sign of a good knight."

At this, Dave did speak up. "And myself? I'm the Knight of Time. Am I also a good knight then?"

I pursed my lips and shrugged. "I don't know. I would say you were a struggling knight."

Dave got quiet as he thought it over.

Curiosity taking over, I let a small smirk leak through as I opened my mouth. "Question, when you hear 'Time' what do you think?"

He didn't speak for a second. "I think velocity, moments, endings, and clocks, repetition, past and future. You know, the obvious."

_Not to everyone_ I thought quietly, pleased that he remembered something from his past.

"Good. Okay, this might be easier than I thought. As I said before, you were a struggling knight. Don't immediately get defensive at this, but you're not a cool kid." Dave opened his mouth but I interrupted firmly. "You hide behind it like I did my blood color. It's a shield and to become a good knight you have to come out from behind the shield. Back then, I think you thought you had to be cool and tough because that's what you thought that was expected of you. However, towards the end I think you were leaning towards a good knight."

My words were stern. I wasn't going to let him try and defend his pride. If he was going to remember his past life, he would have to realize that it wasn't all peachy and cook kids. It was hell and his old self knew that. At this point I was waiting for him to come to the same conclusion and my being frank was the only way I really knew to achieve that.

By the looks of it Dave wasn't going to retaliate. His mouth opened and closed but no words came out.

I let everything sink in as I observed the room. It hadn't changed much except for the size perhaps. It still had his turn tables and all his other weird habits scattered about. I guess some things never change.

When Dave spoke up, it was a wry tone. "You say all this like you had this conversation."

I chuckled. "Yeah. Actually I had it with two people. I had it with Kanaya prior to the final battle with Jack." _The time she told me she was proud of me overcoming my insecurities to become a strong leader and individual._ "And the second being when I told you almost a day before the battle." _In which we both had good laughs about it. One of the first and only times we agreed on something being absurdly hilarious._

Dave held out his arms and tilted his head up. After a minute of this, I rose my brow and looked at him like he was an idiot.

"What are you doing?"

He glared at me. "I am trying to feel my memories flooding back in."

I glanced at his arms that at the ceiling. Scoffing, I whistle softly and turn my gaze back to him.

"And how is that working for you?"

"Nothing." Aw he was sulking.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, well I didn't expect some spontaneous ascension. Especially with you."

"Fuck you, too, Karkat," he bit at me.

I smiled sweetly and then let it drop to seriousness. I didn't have the time – we didn't have the time – to be having a go with pride and dignity in our grasps. "Give it a few days and think it over. Try to remember then. Your mind is going to have to catch up with this information that is familiar and yet hidden. That's all I can really tell you."

"Geez, you're such awesome help."

Smirking, I replied to the sarcasm in his tone with one of my own. "Oh I know. I try."

We glared at each other for a moment. Dave, fuming and clearly not amused. I myself clearly unimpressed with his lack of maturity in the situation. What happened? When he returned to normal did he suddenly lose ten years, reverting to a toddler?

Granted that I had no room to talk. I was being just as bad but my actions were justified.

I was about to stand up and walk out of the room when a cry of surprise resounded throughout the house. Dave and I were up instantly, rushing down the hallway with possibly the same individual on our minds.

John.

The idiot didn't exactly have a good track record. Between… that and Jack Noir, it seemed like he was begging for trouble.

However, when we got to the room, Jade's room I realized, we opened it to find Rose leaning against the wall with a smirk laced through her lips. She seemed proud of her work.

John, who looked borderline between terror and excitement, was in the corner with his eyes wide open. He looked at a loss for words.

"Jade?"

I glanced at Dave and then followed his expression to Harley in the middle of her room.

She looked a little scared herself. Scared, sad, but mostly mature and experienced. She had the aura of her aspect around her and I knew that she was the same Harley I knew pre-scratch.

She wasn't wearing her long skirt and t-shirt but instead her god tier attire. Black dress with the space symbol over her chest and stockings with red shoes. She didn't have the ears which wasn't that big of a deal.

It was like a blast from the past.

Her hands were shaking as orbs of planets she suddenly remembered circled her like their own sun. I was afraid to call out to her like Dave had in fear that she would drop them to the ground. She was already stumbling and trembling as it were.

I neared her and reached out my hand slowly to catch her attention.

"Harley?" I questioned softly, not too loud as to spook her. "You here?"

Glancing at us, she shared a shaky grin.

"Yeah. Yeah I am here, Karkat." She laughed a little though the fear didn't subside.

"What happened?" Dave asked but to everyone else in the room it was obvious.

"I… I don't know. I did what Rose asked me to do and then… this," she motioned to herself and the outfit she wore.

"And how is your memory?"

She closed her eyes as if testing her limits and then opened them slowly, green eyes meeting mine. "I remember everything now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not as good as the other chapters... I don't even like it... but maybe I'll label it a filler and be temporarily satisfied. *sigh*


	12. High-Speed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Throwing the shard away, Karkat continued, pulling another finger up. "Secondly, everything is happening too fast. Way too fast.
> 
> "You turn all troll. Rose gets her memories. Gamzee is losing his shit again. Jack Noir decides to make his debut. Jade getting her memories back." He narrows his eyes. "All in a span of two days? It seems too fast. Like there was a trip wire when your transformation occurred."
> 
> He paused. Dropping his fingers, he motioned towards me. "And it seems to revolve all around you, idiot. I don't know why and I don't like it at all, but it seems you're in the middle of this. You're the one that is directing this show."

Unfinished Memories

Chapter 12

**John POV**

It would be an utter lie if I said I was handling everything well right now. A bald-faced lie that would be detected a mile away because honestly? I was not managing this nearly as well as I made it look.

I mean, there was a reason that I made that deal long ago. There was a purpose for me being fine with them not remembering the fight and their death. I had long accepted that I would be tortured by memories, but what could I do about that?

All that went through my head at the time was the fact that they would be fine. That's all that truly mattered to me at the time and it still mattered to me now.

However, everything was coming apart at the seams. It wasn't like it came out of nowhere either. _She_ had warned me about this when we made the deal.

_She_ said that it was only a basic wall to keep most of the memories at bay and safely hidden, however, if they were to prod at the wall, it would fall apart. _She_ couldn't exactly change the soul. The soul was unbreakable as it were and could never be altered, but she could put a dam to shield it.

With all that said, I barely handled Rose remembering her memories. A poke at the wall that I bargained for. It took all my willpower not to fall apart and beg for the opposite. She didn't remember anything prior to her ascension, but she did remember everything afterward.

After a minute to recover, I realized I could be okay with it if I tried. It would take a day or two, but I could force myself to come to terms with it if nothing else sporadically happened in the meantime.

But then Jade remembered everything and now they are physically and mentally _trying_ to remember and I don't really know what to do!

I… liked the peace I had. It was calm. It was nice. It wasn't cold-blooded murder accompanied with the loss of guardians and the death of friends. It wasn't homicide. It was peace and something relatively _normal_ that I could grasp onto with the history of the game in mind. Granted the normal life may not be working in my favor either, it was still something better than a mass funeral.

And now, since the… the change, it was all going to hell.

I still didn't know why Jack did this. It was confusing and seemed a worthless characteristic. I mean, now my skin is gray and my eyes are yellow instead of white. That didn't change me. It affected my mentality and if that was his goal then he succeeded… but it felt like he was aiming higher and was too disappointed to do much else at the moment.

My mirrored self stared back at me as I glared at it.

I _hated_ seeing myself this way. I couldn't place _why_ but I did.

Perhaps because it wasn't natural. It wasn't me. It wasn't who I was. It wasn't even the right _race_ or _species_ .

Or maybe it was because it had caused so many unnecessary problems. Dave brushing me off or Karkat arguing with him. Events that could have been prevented had the change never occurred.

Whatever the case may be, I couldn't place the reason beyond annoyance.

I just didn't belong in this form.

A troll with nubs for horns on the top of my head barely hidden by my black locks. The blue eyes were mine, but they were surrounded by a pool of yellow as they stared back accusingly. Sharp canines that appeared when I smiled or scowled as if they were itching to shred meat.

It made me appear like a monster and not like the leader I was. I didn't recognize the leader in this form. I didn't see the confidence or the anticipation my past self held.

I was a Gog damn monster. There was no way to sugar coat that and no contradicting pleas could change that.

Granted if the trolls heard me say this, they would be quick to argue the fact that they are about as human as the rest of us. Emotions, drama, and crushes all being similar to the human ways if we bothered to connect the dots.

And I just _knew_ Karkat would be the one to point this out.

Smiling, I chuckled softly but it seemed breathless.

I felt like the outcast. The pariah. The black sheep. The red-headed step child if you will for I wasn't meant to be a troll. I wasn't meant to be like this.

The urge to laugh came up again as I thought of my actual human form and thought of the cuts on my arms.

Well, it wasn't like I was doing a grand job at being human anyways.

_You were never good at being anything, Heir of Breath. A simple, little, mistaken existence._ Jack reminded me from my nightmares and I growled angrily.

Before I knew what was happening, my fist pounded into the glass mirror, shattering a corner into small shards. A few of the pieces nicked my skin and caused it to bleed crimson. Some of the shards got stuck into the skin and I sighed, pulling my hand away to take out the shards.

If Dave or Karkat saw this, I knew they would think it was self-inflicted.

I mean, I would think this was self-inflicted.

There was a constant tinkling sound as I dropped shard by shard into the trash bin beside me. There wasn't a lot, but the slivers were beginning to become a pain to drag out.

I managed to pull out the last shard when Karkat banged on the door.

"John?"

Exhaling, I opened the door after making sure all the glass was brushed off into the trash bin.

Like I expected, Karkat's vision immediately went to my bleeding fist. I would have attended to that, but I knew that if I didn't answer the door, Karkat would have picked my lock or _something_ to get into here. I could just imagine the frantic expression as he expected me on the floor with my own blood leeching onto me.

Definitely not the image I ever wanted him to have on his mind.

"I didn't do it to myself," I started, raising the injury to Karkat's face, "I just got-"

"Angry? Yeah, I can relate," Karkat spoke as observed the markings on my fist and nodded to himself as if for reassurance. I smiled a little at the thought but dropped it when he glanced up again.

"Not what you imagined was it?"

It wasn't a large jump to assume that he was referring to the sudden realization that my friends were remembering their past lives with barely a few hours in between.

Lying to Karkat was definitely out the question. He had his memories from the start, an aspect I still don't understand, so he could tell if I was lying without batting a lash. Not to mention that if I did lie to him he would definitely not hesitate to rant how I _shouldn't_ do that.

So, truth it is.

I shuffled, rubbing the back of my head. "No. Not at all. I was used to them being blissfully unaware and not worrying about me. I liked them being that way. It was easier to deal with I guess. You know, having them not know what happened to them and all."

Plucking out a piece of glass I missed, Karkat laughed softly. "I know. It was easier, but you should have expected it from them. Lalonde is a meddler, the best in class I would like to say, so it was only a matter of time before this all unraveled." He rotated my fist to check the other side before nodding as if content.

Karkat led me to the edge of the tub and I sat down automatically. Grabbing the same medical supplies he used to help me earlier today, he began to clean out the scratches.

I didn't like this. I only let him do this because I knew that if I didn't he would be suspicious of me, but in reality I didn't want him here mending me. I didn't want to be dependent and now with all this happening, I couldn't exactly afford to be either. If I was dependent on everyone, the same result as the game would occur.

I wanted the pride I had back then. The foolish naivety that I would be able to do anything if I set my mind to it. More than anything I wanted the confidence and leadership, but I feared I wasn't strong enough to actually contain it.

Karkat poked me in the chest, effectively knocking me into the tub as I flailed.

Raising a brow, I glared accusingly at him.

"I'm done," he replied simply and I scoffed.

"Done with bandaging me up or done with being a dick?"

Karkat laughed at that, a genuine laugh, and I found myself chuckling with him. It was easy to smile and laugh with Karkat. He understood what I was going through. If I had known he remembered from the beginning, this whole mess would have been easier to deal with or to avoid completely. Now that I did know, I realized that I could be myself and say everything that was on my mind around him more than the others.

I felt a little guilty about that, but it was the truth. People always said the truth wasn't made to be sugar-coated.

Extending his hand, I grasped it as Karkat pulled me out of the tub. I stumbled but with his other hand he stabled me.

The change in distance was immediately noticed by the both of us. We could actually _feel_ each other breathing. How weird was that? I could see Karkat's eyes clearly enough to spot specks of red that reminded me of molten lava. They were so _pretty_ and different and I wondered absently if I stared at them long enough if the lava would pour out to reveal the true color.

Oh, God. That was weird. That was too weird. I was _not_ a homosexual. Those were homosexual thoughts I just had.

Staring into Karkat's eyes? Really? Of all things, it was his eyes? I mean, he was adorable as well with his hair all mussed and messy with the little horns sticking out just barely, but that was it. Friendly compliments. Yeah. That is _all_ this was.

Uh, but why am I not moving away?

Karkat opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but ended up closing his mouth as if the words left him. Well, at least he could open his. I had a feeling that if I tried to speak, this embarrassing squeak saying "I'm not a homosexual" would come out.

Closing his eyes, Karkat cleared his throat and removed his hands and backed away until he leaned against the wall. His face was flushed like a cherry, and I knew that mine would be the same.

I wanted to speak and apologize or something, but I remained quiet and messed with the new bandage on my fist.

After a minute, Karkat pursed his lips in thought.

"It's weird, you know."

"What is?" It was such a sudden phrase. The proximity we had earlier? Me? Jack Noir?

Karkat held up a finger. "First of all, your troll issue? It seems purely cosmetic from the looks of it. I mean, glass cut you. It takes a hell of a lot more to actually break troll skin." As if to make a point, he grabbed one of the glass shards I threw away and slashed his skin before I could protest.

It didn't even make a sliver of a cut on his skin. No blood oozed out or even a single mark was made.

Throwing the shard away, Karkat continued, pulling another finger up. "Secondly, everything is happening too fast. Way too fast.

"You turn all troll. Rose gets her memories. Gamzee is losing his shit _again_. Jack Noir decides to make his debut. Jade getting her memories back." He narrows his eyes. "All in a span of two days? It seems too fast. Like there was a trip wire when your transformation occurred."

He paused. Dropping his fingers, he motioned towards me. "And it seems to revolve all around you, idiot. I don't know why and I don't like it at all, but it seems you're in the middle of this. You're the one that is directing this show."

I thought it over.

It made sense. Prior to the transformation, everything was as it always had been. Dave, Jade, and Rose being their normal selves while I dealt with Noir Nightmares and other problems. It was the usual around here mixed in with the occasional troll skype call to see how everyone was doing or even a visit if they wanted to.

Then, all of a sudden, I'm a troll and everything is being shown like some big revelation behind a red curtain.

It was deliberate and almost too much so.

"Anything from Kanaya?" I asked. It seemed like an attempt to change the subject, but I was genuinely curious. If all of these events were happening on our end, I was concerned with what was happening on their end. Gamzee was a thing for sure, but I meant memory wise.

Karkat caught on quickly. "Nothing involving our past, no. She says that Nepeta is still out, but it's mostly sleep. Those who were injured with the Gamzee epidemic seemed to be alright now if not a bit concerned and afraid. Everyone else is okay and accounted for, except for Gamzee of course."

Scoffing, Karkat continues. "It's going to be hard to tell them that this isn't the first time we have dealt with this. You had to relay your story to three people. I have to do it to eleven or ten or to whoever is fucking present and preferably _not_ dead."

Humming in agreement. I glanced at the bandages covering my fist and my arms. So many. Underneath, it itched and I wanted to rip them off and scratch them until my heart was content.

"Don't even think about it."

I flinched, looking up with wide eyes.

"I know that look. I know when you are about to do something incredibly stupid and brainless. Don't do it or I will physically hold you down." He looked one hundred percent serious and I found myself cracking a smile despite myself.

"Like you ever could hold me down, Karkat."

Smirking, Karkat took a step forward until they were close enough to feel each other's breaths. Again. Like the first time wasn't a sign things would get awkward. "Might I remind you that you actually lost a few inches in that transformation? I'm _taller_ than you right now."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but that means I can move faster than you. You know. Like in ."

Karkat furrowed his brows. " ?"

Laughing at his confused expression, I smiled. "It's an online game that is similar to eating those smaller than you and running from those bigger than you. The smaller you are the faster you are." Taking a step back, I motioned to myself. "And since I am smaller than you, naturally I would be faster than you. Logic."

The troll grinned. "As if."

They both laughed for a while, the tension breaking into ease. After the laughter faded to giggles and then chuckles, a yawn decided to betray me. Karkat rose a brow in my direction.

"You were supposed to sleep earlier," Karkat stated matter-of-factly and I shuffled my gaze to the door.

"I… couldn't sleep. You know. It was too quiet and all that. Besides, the sun kept interfering and-"

Karkat scoffed. "Yeah right. You were probably listening to Dave and I get at it, hm?"

I smiled guiltily and he sighed. "I bet Jack Noir didn't help with all those complications either, huh? Can't believe he decided to go after you directly instead of your dreams. I'm beginning what his angle is in all of this exactly." He began to make his way back to my bedroom as he continued. "What was the point in appearing to not just you but all of us? It was like he _wanted_ to spur everything that happened today. I guess he figured out quickly that you're not just some dormant-powered idiot."

I shook my head and sat on my bed. I was far too lazy to actually go through the effort of changing into pajamas and Karkat's shirt was comfortable anyways so it's not like it would be a problem sleeping in my current attire.

Wait, sleeping in his clothes?

… You know what? Never mind. Too tired to rant to myself.

Stretching, I listened as Karkat spoke again. "Well, considering the fact that I myself am about to pass out, you might as well go to sleep as well. It's like… eight o'clock right now I think? Anyways, everyone is asleep or getting to it."

Karkat began to make his way to the door when my hand shot out and grasped his sleeve. It felt strangely like a déjà vu moment.

He turned around slowly, obviously waiting for an explanation.

Pulling my hand back, I motioned to the bed. "Let's just share a bed. I doubt the couch is comfortable."

"John. I'm not exactly sure how your friends would react if they legitimately saw us in bed together."

"Now you're worried about that?" I sighed. "Dave has slept with me multiple times when he gets too lazy to leave. It's fine. Just lay down already. As you said, you are basically about the pass out."

As a last minute comment, I added. "Besides, I don't want you to fall down the stairs. They are dangerous."

Karkat rolled his eyes, but he was already sitting down on the bed. "Yeah, right. They are just stairs"

"No, seriously." I tried to pull every ounce of seriousness in my face, "If you just tripped a little, I swear to Gog that Dave will jump out or do something."

"You speak like you know from experience."

"Oh I do," I shook my head, amused. "Every time I got my foot caught on a step up or down, I would always here a "Warned you about the stairs bro." It's kind of creepy really since one second he's not there and then BAM! He's whispering that at you. One time I actually fell down the stairs and he said that after helping me up. He's such a dick."

Laughing, Karkat pushed me down and I smiled.

"Yeah yeah. We all know that already. Time or memories can't change that. Let's go ahead and sleep. Too much shit has happened today for my liking and I'm tired."

Getting under the blanket, I waited until Karkat followed suit before turning off the lamp next to me and quickly falling asleep with a mumbled "Good night."

\-----------------  
 **Karkat POV**

I didn't go to sleep immediately. With all the Gamzee mess, I wanted to check Pesterchum before I passed out. My friends were probably waking up just now, but I knew Kanaya would tell me if anything was up no matter what time of day it was.

Leadership and all that stupid shit was not a part of me anymore, but I still held a certain responsibility for all those idiots. They didn't remember anything, so I would be the only one to really help them until they do, especially since I didn't try to help them regain it sooner.

But no little blinking light met my face. Nobody was even online at the moment.

Changing my Pesterchum to offline, I turned off my phone and put it on the stack of movies beside John's bed. It was a stupid amount of movies. Too much movies. And how did they have such short titles? We long ago ran out of short titles with all the movies we made.

The only good thing about his ridiculous amount of movies was that he actually was interested in a few rom coms unlike Strider and his stupid action, "incredibly ironic" flicks. Still, when someone has enough movies to actually create a small end table, it should be a sign to reflect on your choices a little.

Eventually, I concluded to just drop it after coming to the conclusion that it was John and no one could understand him.

I didn't understand why he was the way he was and when I say that I mean unstable, sad, and eternally paranoid. Or why he would lie to his friends and then claim that keeping the memories a secret despite the fact that they were _ruining_ him. Trying avoid any close relationships because of his fearful attitude and then when others tried to get close to him he would push off more lies to keep them at bay.

I didn't understand why Jack Noir was going after him of all people. Turning him into a fucking troll and messing him up to the point that if I hadn't intervened I knew that he would not be here. There were more people that could be debatably as strong as him and Jack decides that John was the best choice. What did John have that no one else had? What had he done besides made a deal to save our asses?

Lastly, I didn't even understand why he decided to perform self-harm even though there were better ways to deal with what he has than that. Like, oh I don't know, _talking it out_? Maybe I'm wrong, but the last time I checked, he had more than a few instances and enough friends that he could have mentioned this to earlier to get this on the road before it became a priority.

To sum it up, there were a lot of things that I didn't understand about John Egbert and I had a feeling that I would never understand him no matter how much I would like to.

Gog that was too much thinking for the little amount of sleep I have had so far.

Speaking of sleep, passing out was on the top of my list. I wasn't lying when I said that everything was happening too fast. One second John is a troll and then Jade remembers almost miraculously? Please. In my experience, that never happens unless there is trouble following suit and that itself is clearly Jack Noir.

Worry and suspicion were wearing me down quickly. Worry about my friends and suspicion about my enemies. Now why doesn't that sound familiar?

Oh, right, the game.

Well, fuck this. I said I wanted to sleep and I will go to sleep. Close my eyes and sleep on this crazy day.

I was about to pass out when a soft knock alerted me.

It took all my will to not curse at the knocker or to throw a damn pillow at the door. But that would wake John up and he needed every ounce of sleep possible so I didn't.

Instead, I resorted to just a simple heated glare made to turn anyone who walked through that door into a puddle of guilt for waking me up on the brim of sleep.

The knocker knocked again and I grumbled under my breath about inconsiderate idiots before speaking.

"Yes?"

Dave walked in, clad in a white-bear-whatever-you-call-it onesie. His shades were off for once, which was a shocker in itself. After all, he was the one that was always protective of those seeing his eyes for some reason. Not like I could really say anything since I was the same about my blood color, but he was even more paranoid than I had been if that said anything.

Catching my glance at his attire, he posed dramatically with a half-hearted, tired smirk. "You like what you see?"

I rolled my eyes. "Hardly."

He mocked me. "'Hardly' my ass. These are legit and too sweet for you to comprehend. Pure, Japanese-y, kawaii Rilakkuma pajamas. _Everyone_ loves these."

"Everyone but me, Strider," I deadpanned sarcastically.

Of course, instead of getting the point that I was _not_ in the mood, he went on a long rant about how I should care about his "awesome" attire.

I just blinked at him until he finally decided to shut up which took one second too long than it should have.

Glancing nervously at John, I caught the question easily and shook my head. John had passed out the instant he hit his pillow. Since Dave's rant on his pajamas being "legit" and "kawaii" didn't wake him up, I doubted that anything would until morning.

Strider nodded and sat beside the bed, leaning his head back until it hit the mattress. He let out a soft sigh and I almost groaned. I could just _sense_ the kicked puppy emotions from here.

"What do you need, Strider? Not to be rude, but I am fucking exhausted. I'm about to crash and go to sleep. Dreamland. Derse. All that nonsense. I do _not_ want to be the ears of your pity party that I frequently have been invited to. I'm not going-"

"Look, you said it takes time, right?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Huh?"

"To regain my memories."

A groan escaped at the topic this time. Of course he was bringing that up. Fucking hell. Well, there goes sleep. Fuck sleep. You know what, clearly I was not meant to have it. It just wasn't my day. I was just not supposed to sleep when an angsty Strider wished to be consoled.

If I hadn't been tired, I would have been tempted to throw him out the window without batting a lash.

Glaring at the blonde, I answered, "Well, yeah. It isn't going to come spontaneously for you. Or anyone really. It's supposed to be gradual and natural. I was as surprised as you were when Harley remembered who she was in a span of half an hour."

Pulling down the bear hood over his head, he mussed his hair as he spoke again. "I… knight to a knight, bound by blood and loyalty and all that 'knights around the round table' shit, what if I _don't_ remember?"

Are you _kidding_ me? 

That window sounded very, _very_ tempting right about now.

Yeah, there was definitely no chance of my sleeping. If this was the question on his mind, it was going to take hours to talk about this. Didn't he have school in the morning? Classes? Whatever? He should be asleep too. Any _reasonable_ human would be asleep, fuck, any reasonable _thing_ would be asleep.

And why wasn't the angsty Strider asleep? Because of memories of all things. Thank God John wasn't awake for this. I could just imagine the expression he would have at this.

"You will. I know you. You're too stubborn to stop and too stupid to give up. It's one of your "Strider Charms" as you liked to put it in the past."

Dave offered a wry smile. "Thanks. That helps a lot let me tell you."

"Anytime." I flopped back on my back, glancing at John for a moment. He looked blissfully unaware like he described his friends earlier. From what I could tell, he didn't have any nightmares going on.

I was about to look back at Strider and tell him to leave so I could sleep as well when John suddenly grabbed my arm and held it close like it was some stuffed creature.

The look on Strider's face was hard to decipher but I thought I saw a pinch of jealousy and acknowledgement.

"You know."

It took me a minute to figure out what he was saying until I realized he wasn't looking really at John but the bandages on his arms and hand.

Rolling my eyes, I replied snidely. "Gee what gave it away? The punch to the face or how pissed I was at you before Noir? Yeah I know. I still don't forgive you either." It was going to take a lot of redemption before I bothered to accept that it was a brief lapse in judgement.

I'm sorry. Well, not really actually, but it was easier to assume I was. Strider fucked up, to put it bluntly and John could have very well have died from blood loss if I hadn't intervened. If Dave hadn't flipped out so randomly and rejected John like he was a mistake of all things, it wouldn't have happened in the first place! So no, I didn't forgive the dick.

"It's fine. I don't either." When I focused on him, I realized he was genuine and I was impressed. He looked honestly guilty about what had happened.

That's another first: for a Strider to reveal emotion openly.

"What would you do to remember?" he asked after a minute of silence.

I laughed. "Me? Considering that I do remember, I can't give you a good example to go off of. However, if I were you, I would probably think of something, or someone, important to me. Someone I know was involved and I guess go from there."

The pajama-clad Strider fell silent once again. Letting him be, I relaxed against the pillow under my head, closing my eyes for a brief moment of peace.

At least, until I felt the bed shift where Dave's head rested.

"Karkat."

I opened my eyes unwillingly. "What now, Strider?"

"I'm getting something."

I was up immediately, cursing when I felt John's weight on my arm not relaxing a bit. Getting something? As in memories? Are you fucking with me? I just mention a way to help him with his problem and suddenly they are appearing? Like I said earlier again and again, way too fast.

"Memories?" I clarified, looking at Dave as he stared straight ahead at the door. He didn't turn to look at me and it took him a minute longer than necessary to respond.

"Maybe? All I am seeing are clocks and lava… gears and a lot of… time? I'm seeing time. I'm _feeling_ time. It's in my bones, Karkat. Ticking. Tocking. You know, time stuff."

I listened quietly. It was definitely memories. No doubt about that. I couldn't really say much to help him through so I listened.

"Is it just me or is it hot in here?" I stared dryly at him as he continued without sensing my unamused glare. "I feel like I'm burning up."

It wasn't just in his head. I could see the sweat bead off his skin and fall down as his breath sped up rapidly. When I reached out toward him, I could feel a feverish amount of heat radiate off of him. It was like he was a furnace. My eyes narrowed in concern.

"Maybe it's your land. The land of Heat and Clockwork."

"Maybe," he replied absently. He was staring at the door, but his eyes kept shifting like he was somewhere else. He probably was. If he was seeing and feeling all of this, he was definitely no doubt feeling some sort of memory. Since I didn't see Jade's realization, I didn't know if what was happening was normal or not.

"Wait," I flicked my gaze back to his face. "Heat and Clockwork. I know that. I…" he broke off.

I waited for him to continue but instead he went rigid. Stiff as a board and quiet as the wind. I reached my hand to shake him, but hissed and brought my hand back when I touched him. He was like an open fire now, lava in an extreme case. When I glanced at my hand, there was a burn on the tender skin.

I needed to put cool water over it, but I wasn't going to leave the Strider alone. I didn't know what was going to happen if I left him for five seconds.

Cursing, I nurtured the hand to my chest as I called out to him.

"Dave?"

That's when I noticed it. At first, it was quiet. I thought perhaps it was the dull throb or high pitched hum of lacking sleep and extensive silence, but when I focused on it enough I realized it was the small ticking of a clock. It was growing louder and louder as Dave became less and less responsive.

"Dave? Strider? Are you doing this?"

I didn't get a response. As if I expected to. I doubt he was actually here anymore. My voice was probably being drowned out if all he heard was ticking and memories.

Did Rose and John go through something similar with Jade? I should have asked what happened after we came to terms with it, but I was too stupid and dumbfounded to actually think of it.

I didn't have the slightest idea what they went through with Jade, but it would have been nice to get a heads up because the ticking in my ears was certainly not me.

Everything in my head began was ascending quickly. Whereas before there was one clock, now there were multiple. It felt like a million tiny clocks were ticking off sync from each other. The heat he talked of earlier also began to affect me as I began to heat up. I didn't know if he was getting hotter or the fact that I was so close to him shared the symptoms with me.

Minutes passed by with the Strider's silence and my growing discomfort. It was getting really hot in here. John seemed unaffected by it, but I was practically boiling in my own skin and the ticking made it hard to do anything.

When it seemed like I could no longer move without getting seared or couldn't think with all the loud, obnoxious ticking, everything suddenly fell. The ticking stopped and changed to silence. The heat began to roll off and disappear into waves.

Next to me, Dave collapsed to the ground.

Easing off John's arm, I climbed off the bed and crouched next to the unconscious blonde.

_God damn it._

He wasn't responding. He was still breathing and a pulse was there which meant he was thankfully alive, but I knew he wasn't going to wake up anytime soon. The sudden burst of memories must have exhausted him. I would have left him collapsed on the floor, but it would be hard to explain if Rose came in in the morning to look for him.

Picking him up, I staggered for a moment before carrying him out of John's bedroom.

My burnt hand was painfully throbbing under his still-heated skin. I wanted nothing more than to just drop him outside of his door to attend to my hand, but if I was going to carry him to bed, I might as well go the full mile.

I'll just kick his ass later.

On the way to his bedroom, I realized that Dave was becoming heavier and heavier with each step I took. Carrying him was already a pain in my ass so I was more than a little unimpressed when this fact had finally been noticed.

I looked behind me and stifled a groan. Behind us, attached loosely to the Strider's caplet, was a long cape. With each step, the cape followed suit, as red as blood and lava. I didn't have to guess to know that he probably was in his full gear. Every annoying piece of God Tier material was on his body. Great.

_Grand timing Strider. Let me tell you. You certainly know when is the right moment to finally remember who you are._

I guess it wasn't completely his fault. I mean, he didn't control when he remembered. He was just talking to me like I had all the time on my hands to actually do that. I was just more than a little annoyed since I was, you know, tired as all fucking hell and didn't want to deal with any boyband drama at that particular moment.

Opening the door gracelessly, I cursed in whispers as I placed him on his bed. With each tug at the cape I offered a colorful swear. Stupid cape. Stupid knight role deciding he should have a cape. Stupid fabric. Stupid aspect. Stupid everything. Just stupid every-fucking-thing.

When the idiotic thing was finally off his shoulders, I pulled off the red shoes that materialized out of nowhere, scrunching my nose and holding them away as far as I could.

I spotted the sword – something that certainly wasn't there earlier – and decided to toss everything unceremoniously over top.

Glaring daggers at Dave, I stumbled to the bathroom in John's room and began to rinse my hand in cool water, wincing at the pain. I knew the second I pulled it away, it was going to flare again, but at least it was a little more bearable.

Flipping off the lights, I crawled back to bed where John was sleeping peacefully and undisturbed. He didn't hesitate to grab my arm when I got comfortable and I found that I didn't really care. Protesting seemed too much effort after all that nonsense. Sleep sounded absolutely amazing compared to protesting about weird sleep-cuddling-things.

It was when I was on the brink of passing out, of course, that I heard someone laugh. It was faint, almost like it was in the background barely noticeable by the audience. When I listened closer, I realized it was two people not one.

One was Jack Noir. That much was obvious. The other…

Oh Gog.

The other was a laughter I hadn't heard since the game. Back when I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

Gamzee.

The last coherent thought ringing through my head as I passed out was the wise, sage word of "Fuck."


	13. Let's Set a Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack smiled. "I don't want to lose to a bunch of kids who are not at their full potential. It won't be as satisfying a victory."
> 
> "And who's to say that you will even win?" I countered.
> 
> A short, clipped laugh came out of Jack's mouth. "I guess it is all in the cards as they say. Do we have a deal? Six months?"
> 
> I leveled my gaze at Jack, trying to see if there was a way for him to twist my answer, before nodding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because of a few combined reviews/comments from both FF.net and ao3, I managed to scrounge up another chapter. What are the odds of that?

Unfinished Memories

Chapter 13

**Karkat POV**

When I woke up, the sun was definitely up. Waking up with the sun peeking through the windows is weird enough without the additional face that I didn't even wake up close to morning. How could Kanaya stand it? It was just so annoyingly bright like some over-happy personality I would love to shove in a closet or something for 12 hours or so.

Ugh, it was way too early for me to be up. Give me at least another eight hours where the sky is at least _reasonable_ and not a glaring prick.

Thankfully, John seemed to have closed the blinds on the window ahead of time so it was almost as dark as the night. Night with little slivers of light that decided to be curious about the troll that doesn't care for it. Too early. Again. I will say it. Too fucking early.

But I was up and I doubt I was going to be able to pass out again. It was near impossible. Despite my grumbling about it being too early, I was wide awake. This was going to suck when I get back to Alternia again.

The only reason I knew it was this late (both Earth and Alternian time) was by the time on my phone pointing out that it was 12:47 p.m. – all but screaming that I needed to get my ass up.

I wasn't one for staying in bed all day if I was awake. If I had something to do, or an event to anticipate, I wasn't going to waste in my bed. It made me restless. Like Nepeta when she managed to pry "catnip", as Strider put it, out of Equius and wouldn't stop doing _anything_ for another few hours. Restless, talking, running, shipping, something. That was more or less how I felt without the dangerous addiction.

Well, the only way I was going to get up is if John were to as well. I was starving and I didn't know much of anything from this place.

Turning on my side, I glanced at the space beside me to wake up John only to find him gone.

That put me on red alert. Okay, so I knew that John wasn't stupid enough to pursue the same methods again, right? He wouldn't do that. That would be reckless and he was getting better, or at least he was better than when I first appeared. So, that being said, where was he?

Confused and a little concerned, I jumped out of the bed gracelessly, stumbling over the sheets and blankets to the point of almost crashing to the floor.

The sheets were swiftly kicked aside with a curse of death and I grabbed my phone off the stack of movies.

Standing, and maybe a little out of breath, in the middle of John's room, I glanced around. His side of the bed wasn't jumbled up like he was in a hurry or was startled by a nightmare. In fact, his side was made quite well. Maybe I was over-exaggerating? Possibly. Maybe.

I checked the bathroom first. If John decided to be idiotic enough to pull the same stunt again, it would be here. That's where his supply was and it was one of the few rooms he could lock within reason. When I peeked in, however, I saw the door wide open and the lights off. No blood or bandages in the bin either.

Walking down the stairs, I checked the living room and sighed in relief as I saw the familiar mop of black hair and nub-like horns.

Fucking idiot giving me a heart attack. He should have told me or something!

Why did I even care? Like, really. We were friends, yeah, but that was more than friends. So John decided to go downstairs, why did I have to freak out like I _lost_ him or whatever? It… didn't make sense and the only reason that might shine some light was not welcome.

The human word. "Love" or whatever it was called. It was impossible for me and even more unlikely for John to feel the same. Come on, "I'm not a homosexual" Egbert? Yeah, no.

All this caring is because I was the one he asked for help from. That's the only reason. Right?

For once in my life, I came to the conclusion that maybe – just maybe – I have seen too many rom-coms. Maybe.

Nonetheless, I wasn't going to admit that seeing John idly messing with whatever was more comforting than it should be.

Sitting on the couch, John was playing on his phone as I walked up. Casually leaning over the couch, I caught Pesterchum and the red text affiliated with Strider and rolled my eyes. I suppose if they were back to talking without John looking hurt or anything it was alright.

Still didn't trust him. Not as far as I could throw him, but perhaps I could regain some dependence on him.

Plopping down next to John, I snickered as he jumped and glared daggers at me.

"What?" I spoke innocently. "I thought you would notice me as I peered over your shoulder but whatever text you and Strider are involved in must be pretty big if you needed me to physically move you and all that. What are you talking about anyways?" Smirking, I put my hands into a heart formation. "Love? Is he confessing his bromance is now a romance? May the angels sing in this once in a lifetime opportunity? Maybe I should congratulate you two."

John looked absolutely terrified. It was priceless. Teasing him must have been the best thing ever. Never mind the small coil of bitterness (Jealousy?) in my stomach, the amusement was worth it. His face was flushed so much it looked like a cherry tomato and his mouth was agape like a fish.

I was crying from laughter long before John found the words to speak.

"No! I mean, we are not like that!" he protested desperately. "I'm not a homosexual, Karkat!"

"And I'm not an idiot," I replied with a chuckle. "Honestly, liking _one_ guy does not make you a homosexual. You can be all into girls and still have that one guy be the exception and the only exception."

The look on John's face was one of surprise. Shit, even I was surprised at myself. Where did that come from?

"That was surprisingly deep for you, Karkat."

I smacked him. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

He grinned cheekily. "Nothing. Nothing. Just, you know, a little different? It's a good change, Karkat!"

Scowling, I folded my arms across my chest. "Good change? Please. Anyways, what are you guys talking about anyway? Or were anyhow."

He shrugged. "Homework and school things. I've already missed a few days and some of my teachers are worried."

"Really? Huh. In Alternia most of the teachers would either get angry or physically come after us if we missed school. Appear at your doorstep and even though our lusi were strong, they couldn't stand up to a blue-blood teacher craving for your utmost punctuality. You could say we had perfect attendance." I fixed my position in the couch, trying to get comfortable without the temptation to sleep.

John hummed in response, typing away on his phone. He probably didn't hear a thing I said with Strider talking away. Again, doesn't the idiot have school? Whatever. Not my problem.

Ignoring the tapping sound accompanied with John's fast fingers, I searched for the remote for the television. From what I could see, it wasn't anyway reasonably easy to find. At all. What's the point of having a remote when it is missing half the time? It didn't really help that I wasn't going to move to look behind anything.

Eventually, when I couldn't find it and I was too lazy to physically get up and push some buttons myself, I decided to forget about it. What was I going to watch anyways? I didn't know half the shows on this. The only times I actually watched TV here was when there were movie nights or some other meet up the humans would put together.

John was still typing away on his phone, ignoring the growing being of boredom beside him.

I didn't even last five minutes.

"You didn't wake up last night with any nightmares. Or at least, I didn't hear you scream if you did. Is Jack taking a day off? Seems uncanny."

John put down his phone, turning it off finally. I could see the wheels turning and then his eyes widened soon after.

"You're right." He paused and tilted his head. "Wow. I… didn't notice but you are right. I'm about as surprised as you are actually. Jack has always been tormenting me for years. I'm not sure if I should be happy or worried with the fact that he is suddenly… not I guess."

I shrugged. "Both if I were you."

If Jack wasn't tormenting John, it meant that either something had changed in John's defenses or Jack had something better to do at the moment, however, since Jack has been tormenting John so long it seemed unlikely. And besides, if John really was the one that this was all revolving around, then Jack would definitely not pull one absence out of his plan.

"So, what do you have plans for today?" I asked absently, bringing up random topic starters to break the silence. John, who recently got back on his phone from a notification, paused his typing spree.

"Nothing much. It's another school day so I can't do much, but since tomorrow is the weekend it should be easier to get things done." He glanced up at me from his phone, one brow raised when I went abruptly silent.

I turned on my phone. "Strider and them went to school?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I was up when they left. Dave seemed a bit… off." I rolled my eyes without meaning to and John caught it. Of course he did.

"Did something happen?" he pressured curiously.

I sighed. A part of me didn't want to tell John, but I couldn't exactly not tell him. If Strider were to come home and tell him when I refused to, that might as well kill any trust John has in me. I was already starting from scratch to build the foundations of trust with this dork and I didn't want to screw things up with keeping information hidden. It would be an incredibly stupid reason to fight honestly.

"I have a… feeling that Strider remembers the game now." John took a sharp intake of breath, but I continued. "Last night when you were asleep, he came in. At first I thought he was going to mope and complain about not remembering, but then he asked me what to do or what _I_ would do. So I told him. He began to heat up and even I could feel the heat. I remember him talking about ticking in the back of his skull. He was practically a ticking time bomb."

But then towards the end, when I thought he might actually explode, it stopped. He fell to the floor and I had to carry his ass to his room. Judging by the fact that I had to physically take off his God Tier cape and shoes, I'm going to assume he's no longer an amnesiac."

John exhaled heavily, sinking into the cushions while messing with his phone in his fingers. "Great."

I followed suit, except I threw my arms over the back of the couch, wincing as the inflamed part of my hand hit the cushion. Right, almost forgot about that. "Yeah. I don't know how Strider will be. He may be a mess or he may be like he was pre-scratch. I'm kind of hoping for the latter because I don't need him to be freaking out or stand-offish. Especially now."

The dork next to me nodded. I noticed that he was chewing his bottom lip. He was nervous, that much I knew. I mean, everyone in his home remembered now which wasn't going to make his life any easier from now on.

Glancing at my phone, I pulled up Pesterchum and noticed no one was on, not even Kanaya.

After a minute of silence, I glanced back at John only to see him rubbing at his bandages. It wasn't enough to scratch them or even make a sound, but I still didn't want to take the chance.

I stood and stretched, sighing when I felt the familiar pop in my joints. How long were we talking? Only about fifteen or thirty minutes right? Shaking my head, I turned to face John and held out my hand.

He looked at it then back up at me.

"What?"

Without even thinking, I grasped John's hand with my inflamed one. With a loud hiss, I pulled back and cursed under my breath. John was by my side in a moment.

"What happened? Karkat?" He tried to tug my hand away from my chest but I resisted.

"Nothing happened. Don't worry about it." I closed my hand into a fist and winced as the burned skin only reacted worse.

John scoffed. "Nothing happened? Whatever! Give me your hand Karkat!"

"No," I argued.

Crossing his arms over his chest, he glared at me. It wasn't an angry glare or an annoyed glare. No, it was the "I'm going to be disappointed if I have to stand here until you show me your Gog damn hand" glare. Even though he was shorter than I was, the weight of that stare made him appear much taller.

Eventually, I reluctantly held out my hand. I didn't want to. But I had a feeling that if I didn't John wouldn't let me live it down.

Gasping at the inflamed, pulsing skin, John punched me in the shoulder.

"Idiot! Why didn't you tell me? I would have placed aloe vera on it! Ugh you are such a idiot."

"So you have said twice now," I replied sarcastically, but let him lead me up to the bathroom in his room. I guess I could deal with his cuts before he did whatever he was going to do.

"I need to change your bandages. I don't want you to get any infections now of all times. Especially not when you're needed."

John laughed. "What? Are you going to sing to me again?" he teased with a smirk and I felt my face heat up. Gog damn it was hoping he would forget about that. Granted it only happened just yesterday but still.

"No. Shut up," I grumbled back, pointedly avoiding his stare. "That was one time! And only because I needed you to focus on something, idiot! I didn't want you to sleep and-"

"Yeah I get it, Karkat. You just wanted to confess your undying love for me, huh?" I nearly choked at that remark and heard John brake into a fresh round of laughter in front of me. "No, don't worry Karkat. Your secret it safe with me. Anyways, I'm kind of useless right now anyways so what use would I be to you guys?"

Barely getting my voice back, I cleared my throat and replied. "No. You're not useless. You are just an invalid, disabled. It's only a temporary for the moment. You'll be fine in a few weeks or so."

"Really?" He raised a brow at my expectantly and I nodded firmly.

"Yeah. Now stop with all this love nonsense! What happened to "I'm not a homosexual" Egbert?" I saw John open the bedroom door and followed him in. I didn't hear him reply and figured out I finally rendered him speechless.

In the back of my mind (the stupid lovesick part), however, I heard a small voice say. _He didn't deny anything, Karkat._

Shaking my head to clear out those sort of thoughts, I motioned for John to sit down.

As John sits down on the tub's edge once again, I pulled out the bandages.

With the blood gone and the wounds beginning to heal and scar, I could visibly see every single word John wrote on himself. I tried not to focus on it while I wrapped them up again but it was hard not to. It was like a bright red neon sign against gray skin. It stirred feelings of anger and helplessness that I never felt before, seeing those scars as I did.

"Karkat?"

"Hm?"

He shuffled a bit and I glared at him, about to tell him to stay still when he opened his mouth.

"What are you going to do about Gamzee?"

That was not what I expected him to ask about.

I thought back the laughter I heard last night and held back the shivers crawling up my spine.

"I don't know. If he _has_ lost it, again, we are going to be screwed. As it were, it was pure luck that Equius managed to block most of the injuries that could have happened." That was something else that was different. This time Nepeta got hurt and Equius didn't hesitate to harm Gamzee. If only that happened the first time… I shook my head.

"You need to go back."

Grimacing, I looked at John. It wasn't so much that I didn't want to go back, but I didn't feel like going back yet. Priorities aside and all, I found myself needed here a bit more. "Yeah, but that involves explaining how I know all of this to them."

Before John could speak up I added sternly, "And, don't get defensive, but I don't really trust you by yourself."

John deflated like a balloon. I wasn't going to take the words back, though. I meant every single word I said after all. If I said, "Yeah I don't really care what you do to yourself" that would have been a lie. The biggest lie I've ever told and I've said quite a few.

"Yeah, I get it. These," he motioned to the cuts on his arm that were being covered once more. "Don't help, huh?" He offered a wry smile despite the topic and I hummed in agreement.

After I covered one arm, I moved to the other, carefully averting my gaze from the words but I couldn't stop myself from seeing one of the bigger ones, "Worthless". It just stuck in my head for some reason. That one word bothered me than the rest.

Maybe it was because I thought John was worth it. I didn't know. I just knew that that carved word was not true at all in my book and history with the human. Worthless itself was just a bad word to use around people, or that was my opinion of it anyhow.

Sighing, I followed the raveling gauze as it went up and down John's arm in a figure-8. "Actually, why did you start this? This whole cutting mess I mean. Correct me if I am wrong, but this is not like you at all."

John didn't reply immediately. Minutes, or so it felt, passed by and when I heard no sort of explanation, I peered up to find him chewing on his lip again.

"I heard it helped. It was something I found out about accidentally and then I tried it. Short story short, it kind of became an addiction of mine."

"Obviously," I scoffed sharply.

A humorless chuckle replied to my scorn.

The rest of the change went by without conversation. It was tense and uncomfortable, but neither of us knew what to say I guess. I didn't want to explain how absolutely frustrated and admittedly sad this whole thing made me and I doubted John wanted to explain his motives either.

When I was about to get up to put away the bandages, John grabbed the wrist of my burnt hand and placed it under cool water as he fetched this bottle with a green gel. My face contorted into disgust.

"Oh stop it. It helps with the heat," John scolded, but I still stared at the substance nonplussed.

"It looks like something out of stupid sci-fi movies." John snickered at that before removing my hand from the water and placing some of the gel on the burn. Immediately, it began to feel a lot better. The inflammation was bearable and it was swelling less and less.

Impressed, I watched it as John put away the "aloe vera". When he stood, he had gauze in his hands in which he loosely wrapped around my hand with care.

When he was finished, he smiled. "There! Now, you owe me an explanation as to what happened to you."

"Really?" He nodded. "When Strider was in his stupid memory thing, he began to burn up. At first I was able to touch him since he was only feverish, however, the second time it was like sticking my hand into an open flame and this happened."

John hissed and shook his head. "You were reckless."

"Like you are one to talk," I reminded and he shrugged. He opened his mouth as if he was going to retort something else when my phone pinged loudly beside me.

When I glanced at who it was, I raised a brow and then felt my mouth curve downward.

– grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:35 –

GA: Hello, Karkat.

CG: HEY. SOMETHING HAPPEN?

GA: If By Something You Mean Did Anyone Else Get Injured Between Our Last Conversation And Now Then No.

GA: In Fact, It Seems That We Have Caught Gamzee.

I wanted to laugh at that.

What? Caught him? There was no way they could just catch him. That wasn't possible. If he was caught, it was because he _wanted_ to get caught. That was a lot worse than him being missing.

CG: CATCH HIM? I MAY BE AN IDIOT BUT EVEN THAT SEEMS KIND OF HARD TO BELIEVE.

GA: It Would Have Been Had Terezi And Equius Not Gone Together To Fetch Him. Currently He Is Tied Up In His Room.

GA: We Cannot Figure Out What Has Changed In Him. He Keeps Speaking Of You And An Individual Known As Jack Noir.

Of course he was. I rolled my eyes.

GA: Do You Know Who This Man Is?

CG: NO. I'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM. MAYBE GAMZEE IS HALLUCINATING.

GA: Yes, I Would Consider The Same Since He Is Surely Not In His Right Mind

GA: However, He Also Says That You Know Exactly What He Is Talking About.

GA: Do You, Karkat?

CG: KNOW ABOUT WHAT, KANAYA? WHEN HAVE I EVER KNOWN WHAT GAMZEE TALKS ABOUT? WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE ONE TROLL WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE HERE MOST OF HIS LIFE.

CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT AT ALL.

GA: You Are Getting Rather Defensive, Karkat, If You Don't Mind Me Point This Out.

GA: Are You Sure You Are Telling The Truth?

I briefly forgot that she was as much a meddler as Rose was. I could tell her the truth, but it couldn't be here. I had to tell her in person or she wouldn't understand. Sighing angrily, I typed a quick response.

CG: LATER.

CG: I HAVE TO HELP JOHN LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO DO.

GA: Karkat

CG: TALK TO YOU LATER KANAYA

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 13: 45 –

John must have caught my anger, fear, and annoyance because he didn't hesitate to voice it.

"What happened? Was it Kanaya?"

I scratched the back of my head and sighed angrily. "Yeah it was Kanaya. Apparently Gamzee remembers the game as well. Perhaps it was Equius knocking some sense into him, but he remembers as well as knows that I remember. I don't know who told him but it is related to Jack Noir without a doubt."

"What is related to me?"

Both John and I froze before turning around to glare at who was the last person we both wanted to see.

Jack, calm as can be, was behind John, lounging leniently in the bath tub with a smirk laced through his lips.

John backed up quickly, coming over to stand by me. I could see out of the corner of my eye as he attempted to drag out his powers again.

Jack tutted at the both of us as if we were children. "No no no. I'm not here to fight you this time. I'm just here on a friendly visit you could say. You know, like a nice chat between enemies? Much more pleasant when phrased like that."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah right. Since when are you all mercy and smiles? Sorry if I don't believe you, but there has to be a reason you are here. Whatever it is, it is not for a "friendly visit" as you said."

A shrug rolled itself through Jack's scorched shoulders. "Just seeing how things are faring. I honestly mean no harm at the moment." He narrowed his eyes at us with an annoyed grimace on his face. "Considering the fact that I couldn't visit John last night, I wanted to see why that was. I have suspicions that I needed confirmed. Insurance I believe the term is here."

To say I was surprised was putting it lightly. He wasn't able to visit John last night? Maybe my guess wasn't too far off. I couldn't resist the small smile peeking through gleefully.

"You couldn't torture me?" I heard John asked again like he couldn't believe it.

Jack let out a frustrated wail. "Torture, visits, whatever it is. No, I couldn't torment you and put your life in yet another hell. It was so _agonizing_! I had so much planned for last night and for some reason there was a blasted wall in front of me," he glared at me like it was my fault. What the fuck did I do?

Well, whatever I _did_ do must have been the right choice.

I couldn't help but let the previous grin contort into smirk despite myself. I could see John smiling out of the corner of my eye.

The white eyes of Jack Noir narrowed significantly at the display of triumph. "Don't get so cocky now, Heir of Breath. Remember the last time that happened or do I need to remind you?" At the underlined threat, John's smile faltered significantly and I decided to step in.

"Look, you came and talked. I'm sure you now have figured out why John is immune to you, or have not, I don't fucking care quite frankly. You did more than you said you were here for and this is no longer a chat if you are going to pull out torments. Leave."

Jack smiled innocently like my anger was nothing more than a furious kitten. "Why? I have an invite to give you. You wouldn't kick out a friend before I give it to you, would you?"

"For what?"

Yawning as if the conversation was boring him, Jack leered at me with a sneer. "You know. A little sparring. A battle. Déjà vu if you will. The battle that apparently was left off badly and cheated by a certain someone I will not mention." Despite his words, those white eyes flicked accusingly at John.

John shied away from Jack while I got closer, stepping in front of him automatically.

"You want to fight again? Really?"

Jack nodded. "Precisely."

I laughed humorlessly. "And why now of all times? Why did you wait the way you did? You are not making any sense, Jack."

If smiles were dangerous, then the sharp toothed grin on Jack's face would be the king of them all.

"But If I made sense, then I would be all figured out, wouldn't I Knight of Blood?"

My eye twitched annoyingly. "Fuck you."

I didn't know it was possible, but Jack's eyes managed to widen and look innocent at the same time. "When and where?" The urge to strangle him was growing intensely but I fought it back barely. Damn prick.

One punch was all I wanted at the guy, but it wouldn't help until he was dead and gone permanently.

Holding back swears, I looked at John. This was not going to get anywhere if John was here. Jack's prime goal was to ruin him after all. He would be solely focused on that instead of actually delivering information or the invitation.

"Get out of here, John. I don't think he's here specifically for you unless it's torment."

The look John gave me was of pure stubbornness. So much so that it reminded me of his old self. "Like I'm going to leave you. I'm not going to just walk out of the door while you are in here with Jack of all people. That's stupid."

"Just do it, John."

"No."

"It's for your safety," I countered.

"Well, I'm staying here to guarantee yours!" he spoke back.

"Whenever the arguing couple is done bickering, I would love to get this show on the road."

"Shut up, Jack," we both barked and Jack raised his hands in mock surrender.

Taking a deep breath, I briefly closed my eyes before opening them again.

"John, whose doing the talking? Who is bargaining with Jack? Oh, wait, me." I motioned for the door. "Just wait for me. It isn't going to take long."

"No," John replied stiffly, folding his arms over his chest.

"Gog damn it," I cursed as I physically grabbed John and pushed him out the door. Before John knew what was happening, I slammed the door behind him and locked it.

Like I expected, he was soon banging on the door with various insults and pleas to open up.

Peering over my shoulder at the door behind me, Jack rose a brow suggestively. "Trouble in paradise?"

"Paradise?" I scoffed. "Please, John and I are not like that."

Jack stared at me for a moment. Just stared. Not blinking, not changing his expression, and not even saying anything. It was more than a little weird and I found myself getting angry.

"What?"

And then he burst out laughing. A few minutes went past as he laughed his ass off. I tapped my foot impatiently, unsure what was so fucking funny. When the laughter finally fell to snickers, Jack wiped a few tears from his eyes.

"Goodness. That was great. For a moment I thought you were serious."

I stared at him unamused.

He looked surprised for once. "Huh. You are serious. Interesting." Fixing his posture, his lips fell into a languid smile. "Well, I suppose it's for the best."

"Just get on with it, Jack. I don't even know _what_ you are talking about, but I would rather get on with your stupid invite."

He sighed sadly. "Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right. Business it is."

Pulling up his hands, I watched him as he held up six fingers.

"Six months. I'll give you six months."

"Troll or human time?"

Jack pursed his lips. "Why are things so difficult? To put it in your favor, let's say human months."

I narrowed my eyes.

He shrugged at my mistrust. "It should give you enough time to require memories, repair bonds, and to learn how to actually do something that may or may not affect the outcome."

To say that I didn't like this was to say that Kanaya didn't get mildly angry when she saw grammar errors. "Why are you being lenient? You were never like this."

Jack smiled. "I don't want to lose to a bunch of kids who are not at their full potential. It won't be as satisfying a victory."

"And who's to say that you will even win?" I countered.

A short, clipped laugh came out of Jack's mouth. "I guess it is all in the cards as they say. Do we have a deal? Six months?"

I leveled my gaze at Jack, trying to see if there was a way for him to twist my answer, before nodding.

Leaning in, Jack grinned maniacally. "Great! I will be seeing you very soon, Knight of Blood. Just because its six months until the final battle doesn't mean I won't drop by to see how the… ah… competition is going." He chuckled darkly. "I have to keep things interesting after all."

With a snap of his fingers and a wink I would never get out of my head, Jack disappeared in a burst of blackened smoke.

I staggered back to the wall, grasping at my hair as the situation I just bargained finally came into my rational think pan.

_Fuck my life._

Unlocking the door, I only had enough time to back away when John pushed it open. Stumbling, he fell into my arms and I automatically grabbed him by his waist. His face was flushed as he chuckled nervously.

"Hey."

Blinking up at me, John smiled. "Hi."

We stood like that for a moment before John quickly backed away and checked me over for injuries. I could hear the mother hen scolding and tuned it out as he looked me over with intense scrutiny.

When I tuned back in, he was apparently still scolding me.

"He could have killed you and I wouldn't be able to do anything since you locked the stupid door on me like that. That was incredibly brainless, Karkat. Why did you do it? Ugh. I was freaking out over here wondering if you were going to get stabbed or worse!"

I rolled my eyes. "He wasn't going to do anything."

Backing away, John crossed his arms. "Well, then why did you kick me out, huh? Did you not trust me or something?"

A groan escaped my lips as I leveled a deadpanned glare at him. "Oh come on. Don't make it into a rom-con drama plot. Jack would only say things to mess with you if you were listening. I have a feeling he doesn't want you at your full potential, hence why you are a troll and doing," I motioned at the bandages. "This."

John continued to glare but after a minute it withered into a sigh as he nodded. "Yeah okay. I get it. Sorry for freaking out. You just scared me when you did that. As much as I shouldn't say this, you're kind of one of the main reasons I'm trying to get better." I blinked at him, surprised.

And then I laughed it off. "Yeah right. I mean, you have Strider, Lalonde, and Harley. I'm pretty sure I'm after them."

"No, not really. They hold a special place in my heart, of course, but you are different. I mean, when I became a troll you jumped out of Alternia to come help me and you didn't freak out at all. You've been helping me this entire time." John shrugged as he looked away. "Dave freaked out, Rose would treat me like a child, and Jade wouldn't let me out of her arms for an instant. So, yeah, you are the main reason, Karkat."

My mouth opened and closed as I tried to comprehend what he said. Eventually, I decided to let indifference rule out against showing other embarrassing emotions. "Yeah. Well, it was nothing. I mean, we are friends are we not?" Shuffling, I averted my gaze. "Let's stop with all the sappy gratitude. It seems we have bigger plans."

John nodded slowly before reply. "I heard six months. What do we have six months to?"

"Six months until the final battle. Again. I don't know where or how, but it's going to happen. Jack is looking forward to it."

A shudder shook through John but I knew that it wasn't from the cold. "Six months?" Running a hand through his hair, John leaned against the wall. "Well, I guess this decides things. You're going to have to go back to Alternia."

"John-"

"I'll be _fine_. If it makes you feel better, pester me. Or skype or whatever. I'm sure Kanaya wouldn't mind. Besides, Dave will probably keep an eye on me if anything."

I stared at him with disbelief before letting out an angry puff of air.

"Fine. I'll leave tomorrow evening. The sun will be low enough for me to leave and not have to worry about the Alternian time." I paused. "What will you do while I'm gone?"

He shrugged, offering the first derpy smile that I haven't seen in a while. "Oh, you know. Try to get my power back to full potential while keeping everyone else in order and from freaking out too much. Shouldn't be too bad."

"You're going to have your hands full."

John deflated. "Yeah I know. Still, it will be worth it. The end is finally coming and no matter how the result is, I'm happy that it is finally going to be over."


End file.
